I used to be OBSESSED with this particular genre of Christian literature. I had them all. ALL. And then one day I stopped. I stopped believing what they were peddling. I stopped believing that they were even based in the faith that I believe so much in. I gave all my Christian relationship books away and haven't regretted it since. I just felt like they were putting false ideals in my head. They all had this mentality that I wasn't good enough now. I needed to get X, Y, and Z in order before 1, 2, and 3 could happen. But I wanted to believe that if I followed the formula perfectly, I would then be worthy of finding my Knight in Shining Armor. Then I heard this 4-part sermon series by Voddie Baucham and my life has been changed in a real and tangible way. If you're reading this and I haven't sent you his sermon Love and Marriage, I will gladly do so.
Well, I gave Captivating a chance. I really enjoyed and was inspired by what I read. I, however, didn't read all of it because I haven't read all of anything in a very, very long time. I think working 80+ hours a week makes me crave mindless activity. I get home from work and watch The Daily Show. I have a night off from work and I watch anything on Bravo, or the creepy WE series High School Confidential. I crave time where my brain can just be quiet. I don't read novels anymore. I don't read for fun anymore. I don't read for spiritual enlightenment or challenge anymore. This all makes me sad. I generally leave my glasses at work.
But I do read blogs. A lot of them. I guess that's because it's easy to do while I'm at work. Oh, and I'm nosy. I like to read into the lives of other people. So, I went to the 268 Blog today (268 Generation: Passion movement: Louie Giglio: I used to go to his singles Bible study, 722, every Tuesday night---it's an amazing movement, read up on it at 268generation.com) and Louie, Chris Tomlin, David Crowder, and Charlie Hall (all on the record label Louie started: six step records) along with a whole slue of people that are amazing headed to Kyiv to start a world tour. I subscribe to Louie's blog. And I saw a comment on there from a girl. I clicked on her link because I'm nosy. I read one of her latest posts and it spoke to me powerfully.
Our God is a mighty God. He hears our groans when we do not know what to pray. I've prayed for all of you by name today. Thanks for being with me! He knows that sometimes we'll only hear Him through some random girls' blogs and he obliges.
Here's the girl's blog, Greener Grass and her entry entitled Captivating:
Sunday, April 20, 2008
captivating.
so yesterday i was going through my books seeing what i could get rid of - surely there was something. i came across a book i read a few years back and, remembering that it didnt blow me away the first time i read it, figured it was a good one to get rid of. i had made some notes while reading it before, so grabbed my eraser to clean it up. i'm quite a believer that books can mean something completely different to you if you read them at different points in your life. not surprisingly, then, as i was going back through this book, it seemed like something i should be reading now and so last night and this morning i've spent some time out on my patio in this great weather reading. and so, in typical fashion, a few passages or quotes that have stood out to me so far.
"A woman's struggle with her sense of self worth points to something glorious she was designed to be."
"In the depths of my soul, I longed to be part of something large and good; something that required all of me; something dangerous and worth dying for."
"We do not want to the adventure merely for adventure's sake but for what it requires of us for others. We don't want to be alone in it; we want to be in it with others."
"I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty ehough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.
After all, if we were better women - whatever that means - life wouldn't be so hard. Right? We wouldn't have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts. Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them? Why do our days seem so unimportant, filled not with romance and adventure but with duties and demands? We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We fell unsought - that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain - uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.
Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us - whether from a driven culture or a driven church - is try harder."
For so long I believed I had to "get my act together" before I could be in a meaningful relationship. That I always had something in the way of my Grand Perfection. But I'm a sinner and imperfect and I will ALWAYS have something falling together regarding to my act. And I'm ok with that. And I'm ok with waiting and praying and if I'm meant to be with someone, then it will be ordained by God. Because I am not willing to waste my life, my heart, my energy on a relationship that I choose just because I WANT it and then I'm stuck with the fall out of my way clashing with His way. It a'int worth it, friends.
Have a nice weekend. I'll see you guys Monday.
I have to work 8 hours with Paulo tomorrow. Hopefully they are wonderful hours. Even if he's not a love match, he's totally a long-term friend match.
And Jen has convinced me that you guys need a picture of Paulo...I have got the ball rolling and I'll report back once I get some results.
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