rambles, rants, and refreshing recollections

well, how about that?

2008-12-04T12:34:00.003-05:00

So I'm at work and my Internet time (especially on a blogging site) is extremely limited, but I just thought I'd pass this along:

I am able to discuss, at great lengths, very important and soul-plunging topics over text message. And I think I've finally found a man who matches my ability.

This exchange occured around noon yesterday.

12.3.08
J: Someone just made my day ;) [he'd just received the CDs I sent him on Monday]
A: Who would that be?
J: This lovely lady I have in my life.
A: What about her?
J: She’s pretty much stealing my heart. [at this point a rather strong expletive escaped my mouth, I had to put the phone down face down and focus on my breathing for a while]
A: You probably shouldn’t say these things to this lady while she’s at work because it’s kind of hard to concentrate when your heart feels ready to jump out of your chest.
J: Ha! I’m sorry to distract her.
A: It’s the best distraction of my life.
J: Awww!

and then before I went into TJ's last night, I sent him this:
A: So I’ve got this gentleman friend…and during our first conversation he said I sounded like a Yankee. But he makes me laugh and he listens when I speak…And as each day passes I think about him more and more and pray that God guides my path. I've told God I’d be ok if our paths were to become one at some point.
J: He sounds like a good guy.
A: Good guy? Yeah. I think he’s something special.
J: Ah! As well as he might agree!
J: He just might think you are as well!

May your heart be warmed this chilly and dreary December day! And things I'm excited about: tonight is the Rebuilt Family Christmas in Athens. 6 of the 7 artists will be on stage together and that's something pretty special. I got a lot of TJ's goodies too for the "green room"/backstage area and I'm looking forward to that. Also, my dear friend from south of the city is joining me at church on Sunday and I'm looking forward to catching up with her. My trip to Maine is in 26 days and I can't wait! And Jeremy is planning on listening to Voddie on his way to a friend's this afternoon--he's about to be Santa in his friend's city's Christmas parade. Too cute. Seriously. Too cute.

Oh, and I got an opportunity to pray for him over text message today and it was wonderful (he's going through something really horrible at his church)--I'm glad that he shares these things and I'm glad to be able to pray!

to Voddie or not to Voddie...

2008-11-30T23:32:00.006-05:00

I'm sorry to all of my loyal readers that aren't hopelessly sappy and romantic like I am...you might as well just stop here and go read The Onion or something, because I am totally a hopeless romantic and for the first time ever, I have an actual reciprocating object of my affection, and this is my blog, so I'm going to write about him. I hope you understand.

11.30.08 11:52 pm

November 6th is the day we exchanged phone numbers. We've spoken almost every day since then (and I include texting in that, because, well, I love texting and flirt texting is just plain fun). Tonight we spoke for an hour and it felt like a short conversation because we've had four hour discussions with no hesitation. Each day I awake thinking, "Is this guy for real? Did I really just have a four-hour phone conversation where I only had to do 50% of the talking?" And so I'm led to this point:

Let me tell you a little back story. Several years ago (I just tried to get a date by googling it, but no luck) I heard this four-part sermon series by a man named Voddie Baucham. I go to his website from time to time and I don't exactly agree with everything the man has to say, but this sermon series I heard several years ago, entitled Love and Marriage, has 100% rocked my world. Everything I thought I knew about relationships and marriage and love went out the window and I could not be more thankful to God for that. I was believing what the world was telling me, and clearly that model doesn't work, so I decided to follow what my heart was telling me was Truth and I was there, third row on the right at the singles Bible study with 3000 of my closest friends for four Tuesday nights, and because of those four hours, my life has been wonderfully changed.

If I haven't burned you this sermon series yet, I'm truly sorry, and I will totally do it upon your request. It's not just for singles. I know quite a few married couples that have benefited greatly from just changing their perspective.

So, on October 14 (a couple of weeks after I was matched online with Jeremy, and a couple of weeks after I had sent him the first round of communication and a couple of weeks after I still hadn't heard from him), I re-listened to Voddie's message and this is the email I sent to a couple of my fellow Voddie supporters:

So I finished listening to Voddie yesterday and he really spoke to my heart (again!)--well, I guess it was God speaking to my heart through Voddie, but whatever.

My point is, my search for just any man ("by the time she reaches 32 she's just looking for a man who knows where a church IS!") has definitely overshadowed the fact that I'm not actually looking for any man. I'm looking for the right man.

And these lines in particular stuck out yesterday enough for me to pause the track and type them out:

God delights in finding men who have pursued this picture so that He can say, "Yes, I can trust you with the illustration of the relationship of my Son and His church."

"God, I believe you have the BEST for me. And so there are certain baseline things about which I WILL NOT compromise. He must be a man who leads in love. He must be a man who leads in the word. He must be a man who leads in righteousness. He must be a man who leads in selflessness. He must be a man who leads in intimacy. He must be. If he's not all of these things, then I won't even MOVE to the discussion of further things. He must be these things because these are the things that you, God, have said that you desire to give to me!"

So my patience has been renewed, my hope restored, and my passion to really be who He calls me to be as a woman and possible wife has been rekindled.

Fast forward to this past week. My thoughts of Jeremy are turning more serious (I get it, it hasn't been a month yet, I totally understand how creepy and quick this is for most of you. but you've all known I'm not a normal girl and I don't do things in a normal fashion...and I'm praying every second of every day that I'm doing this God's way, that this is His idea, and so far I really think it is.) and before it gets more serious, I just feel like he (Jeremy) should know how I feel about marriage and love. How I feel about what I'm called to be as a wife and what I believe he's called to be as a husband.

I've chewed on the idea of sending Voddie to him. I asked my faithful Voddie friends what they think and I go two distinct answers. One was: slow down. things will happen in their own time. and the other: be who you are, Jeremy already digs what you've got going on, and if that includes Voddie, then so be it. So I heeded the first because at that exact moment I needed to be told to shut up, sit down, and take a deep breath. And now I'm heeding the second. After tonight's phone conversation (which included him telling me about his horrible day and my heart was warmed because I felt like what I was doing, listening, giving support, and being a sounding board, was fulfilling a part of what I'm meant to do.) I feel like he really is into me enough that he won't be taken aback by my sending of these CDs entitled Love and Marriage. With the sermon I'm sending the Rebuilt Records library because he asked for them--why did he ask for them? Because when I talk about Rebuilt, he said he wants to know what I'm talking about and he wants to be familiar with who I'm really into. I like that. I like that a lot.

So while writing this I've been burning CDs. I will then write a little note about all of the albums and most importantly about the sermon.

Cute thing of the evening:

So, the first week Jer (I haven't officially called him Jer yet, but, well, for writing's sake, it's easier than writing out Jeremy every time) and I were talking on the phone he went out on a limb and said he'd most likely be in Atlanta over New Year's for the Peach Bowl (he was thinking up until this past weekend that his team, Ole Miss (he's an alum), would be playing in it) and he so cutely and with bravado said, "Yeah, maybe we could go to the game together and hang out." I hated to rain on his parade, but I had to: I will be in Maine from December 27-January 3 (hip hip hooray!). So then last week I brought it up again seeing how long he'd be in town to see if our schedules would mesh. They won't, at least not over New Years, and we left it at: we'd figure something out. It was brought up that we could meet either in Nashville (where I have a wonderfully good friend) or Birmingham (where I have Rebuilt friends that I feel comfortable enough saying: "Hey, I'm meeting a guy I met on the internet for the first time this weekend here in B'ham. Can I crash with you guys? Can you make sure I stay alive? Do you have any suggestions on what we could do together here in town?") and I can be free on weekends and he works on weekends (being a youth pastor and all) and he's especially busy leading up to the holidays and so am I working retail.

Tonight, we were discussing football (football or Braves baseball is brought up at least once in every conversation) and he was trying to measure my sadness level that Georgia Tech beat Georgia this weekend. We then discussed Ole Miss' blow out (45-0) over Mississippi State on Friday (I totally earned Best Potential Girlfriend ever points by keeping up with the game, which he was at, and texting him the things I was learning). He then said that he might lose points with me by saying it, but he was kind of happy GA lost yesterday because that meant Ole Miss might go to the Capital One bowl in Miami or the one that's played somewhere in Texas. I forgot. Anyway, I asked what day the Capital One bowl was and he said Jan. 2...and I said (he's the cute part of this entirely too long story lead-in): "Good thing we didn't make plans for New Years then." Him: "No, if we had, I'd be in Atlanta watching it on the TV with you. Or better yet, I would have driven to Atlanta, picked you up, and we would have headed to Miami together."

No seriously. Adorable.

Ok. It's almost 1 am. I have a full week of work ahead of me. I'll try to blog more and I'll try (try) to not make everything about Jeremy. But seeing that as I'm experiencing at the age of 27 what most girls experience at the age of 15 or 16, I feel like I've earned the right to act like a 15 or 16-year-old over this one.

It's my blog, I can crush if I want to.

--Had Thanksgiving with my newly relationship-rekindled "aunt and uncle"--she's really my mom's cousin and her husband, but we don't know what exact relationship that is: first cousin once removed? second cousin? and it was wonderful. I've craved having a real blood-tie family my whole life and I'm finally feeling it and it's amazing. Also, my house is decorated for Christmas and it's heavenly. My mom's really into it this year and that makes my heart glad. And I've been listening to Sufjan Stevens' Songs For Christmas while I write this and it's amazing. His rendition of Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing blesses my heart every time I listen to it, for sure.

Happy December everyone!

seriously, there's no excuse

2008-11-21T00:08:00.003-05:00

There really is no excuse for not blogging in over a month. None at all.

But thanks for not giving up on me!

I have a list of all the things I want to get all of you, my blogging public, caught up on...but right at this moment it's below freezing here in georgia, I'm still cold from coming in from work over an hour ago and there's only really a couple of things I want to talk about right now:

Mandi's birthday is Monday and her sweet boyfriend D came up with this elaborate scheme and a box from UPS labeled from her Secret Admirer that was filled with packing peanuts and really contained 2 itunes gift cards...so adorable. So happy (early) birthday Mandi!

Also, my mom and I went to my former best friends' wedding in October. I posted those photos on facebook. I tagged the bride. She un-tagged herself without writing why. And I got a thank-you card from them in the mail tonight. It's the most non-descript, non-personal thank you card in the history of thank you cards. And it only thanked us for part of our gift. So weird.

and before I go climb under the covers and get warm I want to officially announce: I've met someone. He's a real someone, like, he's not just one of my MANY crushes...he likes me back and everything. We met online and he's adorable. We've been talking a lot on the phone for the past two weeks...actually, we've been texting a lot too. we discussed last night about how our schedules could mesh so we can meet face-to-face. I'll definitely keep you updated. He makes me laugh continuously and he makes me blush because of his sweet and complimentary comments...it doesn't take a lot to knock my socks off because I don't have anything to compare him to! Praise God! So, let's just pray pray pray pray pray pray that above all, I'm walking in the Lord's way and that Jeremy (that's his name) is doing the same. The last thing I need and/or want is another unrequited love. Oh, he's 28, shaped like a fridge, and he's a youth pastor in mississippi.

not only have I been a bad blogger, but I've been a bad blog reader too. I'm sorry, friends. Work has got me on internet lock down and I generally just want to go to sleep or watch TV when I get home from TJ's. But I'll make a concerted effort to get caught up.

I'd love to hear from all of you! Happy November 21st!

"Rightsizing the Headcount"

2008-09-25T08:53:00.003-04:00

Recently (as in, last Wednesday) my company let go 31 people all at once. They all had to walk out of the building together, through the front lobby, boxes in hand. We got a memo later that day from our CEO saying that this was the process of "rightsizing our headcount." Rightsizing. Not downsizing, but rightsizing.

Rightsizing tells these people that they were wrong for their positions and we are right for letting them go. Headcount tells us that we are just nameless and faceless employees, only identified by employee number; we are heads that must be counted. Not people with lives or feelings or attributes that help this company out.

Thankfully I still have a job. In this crazy economy that gets crazier by the day, for this job I am very grateful.

Two weeks ago our receptionist was rightsized. Now, she wasn't just a receptionist that answered phones (although that's a huge task in and of itself), she kept us organized around here. On a monthly average, we get 3,000 (yes, that's three thousand) faxes. We are a small office that handles ads from around the country. I've been advocating people just using PDFs and emails or better yet uploading their ads to a database on the internet for years, but that's neither here nor there. Our receptionist numbered, dated, and delivered every single one of those faxes every day. She handled the 50+ packages we get from UPS every day plus managed all the boxes we send out (the UPS guy is here every half hour. THAT's how much shipping we do.). She archived our old files, she cleaned out the archives every month. She handled our library and now she's been rightsized.

And as of today, my department is having to handle the faxes and four of the UPS pick-ups/drop offs. As if we don't already have enough to do. My friend and our department senior quit in pursuit of a better job and last Friday was her last day. We're already feeling the pinch because we're doing now with four people what the department used to do with six (the sixth person on our team got promoted to our supervisor). But I guess we're rightsized if rightsizing means just piling more and more on people's heads until we can barely breathe with all the responsibilities. I guess we're rightsized that none of us are likely to see raises or positive reviews because the company as a whole isn't doing well.

My friend, the senior of the department, did a lot for us as she was the senior. But now we're all splitting her duties. So now I'm doing the job of me (the recently demoted), I'm doing the job of the receptionist and I'm doing the job of our department senior. Wow. I can't even express my thoughts. But I will tell you this: I come in at 8 am. I take an hour lunch and I leave at 5 pm. I will not come in early; I will not take a short lunch and I definitely will not stay late. If we rack up hours over 40, we officially get overtime. But do we get to keep that overtime? Generally no. We're generally asked to leave early on Friday or whatever to eat at those extra hours. Am I going to sacrifice MY time to a company that doesn't care that I've been here 4 years and make 15 grand less than someone doing a similar job in another department? Am I going to sacrifice MY time to a company that only cares about how good THEY look in glossy magazines, flying around the country to conferences and parties and being written up in the paper while I have to stay here and have to fight to be able to leave early to go to a doctor's appointment? The answer, simply, is no.

I'm glad I have a job. It's a job I do well. But don't fault me for wanting to do the minimum. Doing the maximum means more stress, more people looking down their nose at you, and you leaving here every other Friday with the exact same paycheck.

Sure, this isn't the most Christ-like attitude I've ever had. But I've been worn down. I came into this job seeking and craving acceptance and responsibility. And that eagerness was broken by the corporate machine, however cliche that sounds.

But hey, at least today is Thursday and that means tomorrow is Casual Friday...so I can wear jeans with a non-graphic tee shirt. And these are the things I look forward to...

it's late and I get like this when it's late...

2008-09-17T00:40:00.002-04:00

late nights and little sleep induce a depression in me that isn't there when it's daylight (mostly).

but I got to talk to my friend autumn about her new (it's official as of last night) boyfriend and my heart is glad.

and I've found some inspiration through my friend and yours Matt Wertz in his aptly named song, "I Will Not Take My Love Away."

I will not take my love away
When praises cease and seasons change
While the world turns the other way
I will not take my love away

I will not leave you all alone
When striving leads you far from home
And there's no yield for what you've sown
I will not leave you all alone

I will give you what you need
In plenty or in poverty
Forever, always, look to me
And I will give you what you need

I will not take my love away.

Epiphany

2008-09-11T10:49:00.001-04:00

Epiphany:

I am 26 years old (27 in a month) and something just hit me:

If I find large, ahem, portly (ok, lumberjackish) men wildly attractive, then what is stopping someone from finding ME wildly attractive.

Answer: nothing.

Yes, this seems like a DUH kind of moment, but this has just not occurred to me.

On a similar note:
Our new full-timer at work is totally my "type" in the portly and funny department--but thankfully he's married and has a one-year-old son. Phew. That could have been dangerous. (Bep, he looks like Adam Todd...whom I about fell over the first time I met him. Thankfully he's married too, has a kid and lives in Nicaragua!)

I've discovered Terra Cotta has this friend. This friend is physically and ideologically perfect for me. Perfect. Beard. Big. Adorable. I'm currently trying all tactics possible to convince him he should be our Yenta. If he gets us together, I hereby declare Terra Cotta Sugarbaker gets to choose the bridesmaid dresses.

Man oh man. I'm a mess.

Irvin's a Republican. I'm ok with this information. He likes Obama, so that's nice.

just couldn't resist...

2008-09-10T16:41:00.002-04:00

just too funny:

Oh look, Mary’s is hosting an Obama pep rally next Friday, September 19. Since the official Obama campaign started pulling ads and staff out of Georgia, it is now solely up to Mary’s Boys-4-Obama to keep Hope alive in our state.
I am telling you so far in advance so you can get your easily-removable patriotic costume ready for the strip-a-thon! (You are only eligible if you are a boy and 4 Obama, obviously.) This event might be a good opportunity for those of you assholes who STILL haven’t registered to vote* in Atlanta to do so.
And since First Lady is the campiest job in America held by a straight person, Mary’s is having you dress up as your favorite First Lady (or Head of State; boring). When I was trying to think of my favorite First Lady, I realized I LOVE THEM ALL! I’m guessing there will be a lot of Betty Fords and Jackie Kennedys, but I hope some people will be creative and go old school as Dolley Madison and Grace Coolidge. Also, Rosalynn Carter, duh, because she hangs out in Atlanta and is still a fox. Or Nancy Reagan and her psychic. Or Little Edie Beale, who was not a First Lady but close enough.
*Alternatively, you can download a voter registration application on the Secretary of State’s website and mail it in. SO EASY.

courtesy of: PecanneLog: Ladyblogging Atlanta

Paulo :)

2008-09-05T13:42:00.005-04:00

I had to call TJ's a moment ago to tell Paulo something (someone really ticked me off and screwed up a project of training new employees he and I had set up last night...grrrr...) and he was all peppy on the phone. I told him what I needed to tell him, and then out of no where he asked how my Cotillion preperations were coming.

How cute. I like boys that remember details of my life and remember the things I get excited about.

That is all. Good day.

the house is a no-go...

2008-09-05T13:17:00.002-04:00

So, I wasn't crazy, head-over-heels in love with the townhouse...and now we're not going to buy it. Something has come up (and for the first time in my life I don't actually feel like talking about it...) and we're going to wait a year to buy and renew our apartment lease.

Just thought I'd let you guys know. Thanks for the prayers! At this point, let's just hope we can get our earnest money back!

Oh, and about Irvin (we shall forever call him by his bowling name, Kojak): we "chatted" last night over Facebook's IM feature. I initiated the conversation...and it was just awkward. I realize that not everyone is an avid IM/email communicator like me, but still. And since we chatted (not for long and not about anything really interesting or important), I didn't get a response to my last email. And he was doing so well on his emailing!

Oh well. It's Friday and tomorrow is COTILLION! HIP HIP HOORAY! I called earlier this week and made an appointment for four manicures and three pedicures (because Terra Cotta Sugarbaker is too ticklish for a pedicure...how gay!)--and so myself, Madonna Elizabeth Bottomwood (Madge to her friends), Terra Cotta and Kevin (Terra Cotta's boyfriend) are all going together to get ourselves all dolled up and I'm so excited!

Another blog...begging for support!

2008-09-04T11:33:00.001-04:00

Here is the copy of an email I sent out this morning:

Well friends, I need some help. It's been almost a year and a half and Bowl-A-Rama time is upon us again! This email is late in the coming, but I believe in you guys. If you love independent music, or just music in general, or you love me and you know how much I love music, then please donate! The lineup at Rebuilt has never been as strong as it is now and I really believe that these guys and gal are going places, and wouldn't you like to be in on the ground floor of supporting someone who just might be the next big thing*?

Last year I asked most of you for sponsorship and we as a team raised $14,000! Pretty good for a day of bowling if I do say so myself. Let's get the 3rd annual Bowl-A-Rama off to an even better start...

More Bowl-A-Rama info:

This year's Bowl-A-Rama is September 20th (virtually DAYS away...please help me reach my goal!) and it will again be in Athens, GA. This is an annual fund raiser for my friends over at Rebuilt Records, your friendly neighborhood non-profit record label. Rebuilt exists to record, promote, and develop artists of unique message, willful purpose, and spiritual maturity through programs and products that are spiritually significant, artistically excellent, and culturally relevant (imagine having to say THAT each time you answered the phone!).

I have agreed to bowl 100 frames, and risk the use of my right arm for a week after the tournament, to help raise money for Rebuilt again this year and have people (you!) sponsor me for each frame. My personal goal is $1000.

We as a team need to raise $18,000 to pay for things like: electricity, Internet, recording, studio time, mastering, CD printing, you know--stuff to make a record label work.

You can donate on a per frame basis (and the past two years I have successfully completed the 100 frame tourney), or you can just donate on a lump-sum basis and then you don't have to worry about multiplication tables and all that messy math stuff.

I've set up a blog specifically for Bowl-A-Rama. When you donate, I will gladly post a blog elegantly and eloquently describing how I know you and why I think you're terrific. Unless of course you don't want me to. I'll just post a "Thanks To Anonymous for their donation" blog :).

I know times are hard for everyone...but think how hard things are for traveling musicians! Also, I take credit cards! I have a PayPal account set up for this, but I'm currently in some communications with their tech people about why I can't get a button to work on the blog. So, for right this instant, I'm accepting cash and check, and if you'd like to do credit card, we can totally work with Rebuilt on accepting that. And please know you can just respond to this email with a pledge (that's all I'm looking for right this moment)--you can pay in installments (I'm sponsoring myself for $1 a frame and Rebuilt will be receiving several checks and/or wadded-up cash from me to equal $100), or you can pay when it's a little more convenient for you.

Rebuilt Records' Address:
PO BOX 5656
Athens, GA 30604

If you write a check, please put Bowl-A-Rama in the memo line along with my name.

When you email me your pledge, please also give me your full mailing address (these donations are tax deductible so we need to know where to send your receipt next tax season!).

Let me know if you need any more info and I look forward to working with you guys and blog-blog-blogging away!

Oh, and you're certainly welcome to pass this information along to whomever you please! Let's get this party started right (let's get this party started quick-ly).

I send my sincerest thanks in advance!

MUCH love,
Anna

*Gratuitous pandering to those who are fame-hanger-on-ers like myself.

Kojak

2008-09-04T09:28:00.003-04:00

I mentioned the Bowl-A-Rama that I'm participating in later this month to Irvin...

And I quote:

If I'm available, I'm definitely down for bowling (my bowling name is Kojak) and
you might just have to show me the lay of the land for Atlanta miniature
golf courses.

Well, my bowling ball's name is Myrna (it's engraved, I can't make this stuff up), so I guess we're kind of even.

I love this.

hmmm

2008-09-04T01:22:00.001-04:00

Irvin wants the link to my blog.

I think he'll have to earn that access right. I did send him a friendship request on facebook this evening though (at his urging! he sent me his link in an email!)

man, I gotta stop staying up until 1:30 EST. This is getting silly.

Steven's Must Haves/Can't Stands

2008-09-02T16:28:00.003-04:00

he seems perfectly lovely...but he just seems, well, serious. and, well, I don't know.

here is his list. I'll post mine below his, just so you can see them.

Must Haves:
Intellect...... I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.
Spirituality...... I must have someone with a similar deep commitment to spirituality, who shares my beliefs.
Emotionally Healthy...... I must have a partner who is emotionally healthy, and able to share a stable life with someone else.
Tolerant...... I must have a partner who is able to hear and appreciate divergent viewpoints.
Self-Confident...... I must have a partner who knows and believes in himself/herself throughout life's ups and downs.
Adaptability...... I must have a partner who is able to adapt to life's surprises.
Emotionally Generous...... I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies and love.
Exciting...... I must have someone who isn't afraid to take a risk and who sees life as an adventure.
Strong Character...... I must have a partner who is honest and strong enough to do the right thing.
Chemistry...... I must feel deeply in love with and attracted to my partner.

Can't Stands:
Gossip...... I can't stand someone who loves to talk about other people.
Dependence...... I can't stand someone who bases their happiness on me.
Materialistic...... I can't stand someone who sees material items as a measure of success.
Grudges...... I can't stand someone who has a chip on their shoulder.
Judgmental...... I can't stand someone who finds fault with everyone and everything.
Racist...... I can't stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which they belong is superior to the rest of humanity.
Drugs...... I can't stand someone who uses illegal recreational drugs.
Self-Centered...... I can't stand someone whose main topic of conversation is himself/herself.
Mean Spirited...... I can't stand someone who has a devious nature and is mean to others.
Intolerance...... While I understand that religious conviction is a positive trait, I can't stand someone who is self-righteous and feels that their particular faith is the only one that matters.

My list:
Must Haves:
Sense of Humor...... I must have someone who is sharp and can enjoy the humorous side of life.
Artistry...... I must have a partner who has a passion for music, literature, drama, art, and the finer things in life either as a spectator or participant.
Relaxed...... I must have a partner who is able to forget about money and focus on the important parts of life.
Tolerant...... I must have a partner who is able to hear and appreciate divergent viewpoints.
Communicator...... I must have someone who is good at talking and listening.
Spirit of Volunteerism...... I must have a partner who shares my willingness to volunteer and support community and/or social causes.
Emotionally Generous...... I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies and love.
Religious Practice...... My partner must be committed to being an active member of a church or temple congregation.
Patience...... I must have someone who can handle life's frustrations or momentary setbacks with a patient, steady, demeanor.
Strong Character...... I must have a partner who is honest and strong enough to do the right thing.

Can't Stands:
Worrier...... I can't stand someone who easily loses perspective and constantly worries.
Anger...... I can't stand someone who can't manage their anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.
Workaholic...... I can't stand someone who treats everything in life as secondary to their job.
Petty...... I can't stand someone who focuses on imperfection.
Extremely Shy...... I can't stand someone who is so shy that they cannot open up and share with me.
Undependable...... I can't stand someone who fails to come through and is unreliable.
Self-Centered...... I can't stand someone whose main topic of conversation is himself/herself.
Depressed...... I can't stand someone who is constantly unhappy about their life.
Infidelity...... I can't stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.
Pessimism...... I can't stand someone who always sees the glass as half empty.

I've been remiss

2008-09-02T15:59:00.002-04:00

thank you very much to Katie/Kate, whichever name she goes by today; I have been reminded that there are some loose ends.

First off, the Fridge that I met on the stairway either lives with his girlfriend on the third floor of my building or else he visits a lot. Either way, he's off limits and off my radar. Sad day.

Secondly, Piano Boy seems unaffected by my field trip to visit him playing jazz. I mean, it was a good night, it just happened to be a good "friend" night. Oh well, c'est la vie. I shan't really dwell on it--I'm definitely out of my phase of wanting boys that can't or won't be mine. I don't pine gracefully, that's for sure. He's a nice chap and if he's in town he's going to be my "date" to the only man I've ever loved's 38th birthday (oh my goodness! 38! wow!) that's being held at Turner Field for a Braves baseball game.

Thirdly, I have still not heard back from BC from eHarmony and also from my church. He's yet to worship with us again. I refuse to take responsibility for this disappearance; he had missed the two or three Sundays previous to my contacting him online. I have closed our communication on eHarmony and have effectively moved on. So sad, I know.

Fourthly, Steven, the one I copy/pasted his entire profile here, and I are still in communication. We're at level 3 of the 4-tiered process. He has sent me his list of must haves/can't stands. I read them last night and I don't know how I feel about them. I'm trying to be cautious and calm. I will probably send him my list this evening--or this week for sure.

Fifthly, here is the link to the townhouse we put an earnest money check and signed a contract on on Sunday...nothing's official, but it's definitely a possibility. I'm quite tired of renting, and however much I'd love to live in the city, I just can't afford somewhere safe...and I really like the city I'm living in now, so it's good. It's all good.

Sixthly, here is the cell phone picture of my actual picture of Paulo because I'm not at home and don't have access to my photo files right at the moment:

Kate/ie: sorry if it doesn't live up to the Xerxes picture I painted earlier. I apologize. :)

Irvin

2008-09-02T15:49:00.002-04:00

that's his name. that's the name of my latest suitor.

And the wait for his next correspondence is decadently lovely.

that is all.

that's my Maine...

2008-09-02T15:47:00.002-04:00

Now, I've been banned from a whole library system for not bringing books back (it's a fact. I can't ever get a library account in the town where I grew up again.) but it was only out of negligence, never out of prudishness.

Check this out.

It's political...if you're not into it, just skip!

2008-08-30T13:35:00.002-04:00

Palin in Comparison

from Slog by ANTHONY HECHT

Karl Rove on picking a running mate:

"I think [Obama's] going to make an intensely political choice, not a governing choice," Rove said. "He's going to view this through the prism of a candidate, not through the prism of president; that is to say, he's going to pick somebody that he thinks will on the margin help him in a state like Indiana or Missouri or Virginia. He's not going to be thinking big and broad about the responsibilities of president." Rove singled out Virginia governor Tim Kaine, also a Face The Nation guest, as an example of such a pick.
"With all due respect again to Governor Kaine, he's been a governor for three years, he's been able but undistinguished," Rove said. "I don't think people could really name a big, important thing that he's done. He was mayor of the 105th largest city in America."

I wonder if Rove still feels this way. Somehow, I think he probably has a different take on VP qualifications now. Let's see...

[Palin's] a populist, she’s an economic and a social conservative, she’s a reformer, she took on the incumbent governor of the state Frank Murkowski — Republican — beat him in the primary, won an upset in the general election. She’s a former mayor. She’s the mayor of, I think, the second largest city in Alaska before she ran for governor.

Actually, Karl, she was mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, population 8,000. At the time, not even one of the 10 biggest "cities" in Alaska.

via TPM, via Gruber, with an assist from Think Progress

(Sorry about the already-everywhere post title, had to use while it's still a little bit funny—for another 2 minutes or so.)

From a MoveOn.org email...they are generally more extreme than I care to align myself with or generally support (crazy, I know)...but I found this information interesting:

Yesterday was John McCain's 72nd birthday. If elected, he'd be the oldest president ever inaugurated. And after months of slamming Barack Obama for "inexperience," here's who John McCain has chosen to be one heartbeat away from the presidency: a right-wing religious conservative with no foreign policy experience, who until recently was mayor of a town of 9,000 people.

Huh?

Who is Sarah Palin? Here's some basic background:

She was elected Alaska 's governor a little over a year and a half ago. Her previous office was mayor of Wasilla, a small town outside Anchorage. She has no foreign policy experience.¹

Palin is strongly anti-choice, opposing abortion even in the case of rape or incest.²

She supported right-wing extremist Pat Buchanan for president in 2000. ³

Palin thinks creationism should be taught in public schools.⁴

She's doesn't think humans are the cause of climate change.⁵

She's solidly in line with John McCain's "Big Oil first" energy policy. She's pushed hard for more oil drilling and says renewables won't be ready for years. She also sued the Bush administration for listing polar bears as an endangered species—she was worried it would interfere with more oil drilling in Alaska.⁶

How closely did John McCain vet this choice? He met Sarah Palin once at a meeting. They spoke a second time, last Sunday, when he called her about being vice-president. Then he offered her the position.⁷

This is information the American people need to see. Please take a moment to forward this email to your friends and family.

We also asked Alaska MoveOn members what the rest of us should know about their governor. The response was striking. Here's a sample:

She is really just a mayor from a small town outside Anchorage who has been a governor for only 1.5 years, and has ZERO national and international experience. I shudder to think that she could be the person taking that 3AM call on the White House hotline, and the one who could potentially be charged with leading the US in the volatile international scene that exists today. —Rose M., Fairbanks, AK

She is VERY, VERY conservative, and far from perfect. She's a hunter and fisherwoman, but votes against the environment again and again. She ran on ethics reform, but is currently under investigation for several charges involving hiring and firing of state officials. She has NO experience beyond Alaska. —Christine B., Denali Park, AK

As an Alaskan and a feminist, I am beyond words at this announcement. Palin is not a feminist, and she is not the reformer she claims to be. —Karen L., Anchorage, AK

Alaskans, collectively, are just as stunned as the rest of the nation. She is doing well running our State, but is totally inexperienced on the national level, and very much unequipped to run the nation, if it came to that. She is as far right as one can get, which has already been communicated on the news. In our office of thirty employees (dems, republicans, and nonpartisans), not one person feels she is ready for the V.P. position.—Sherry C., Anchorage, AK

She's vehemently anti-choice and doesn't care about protecting our natural resources, even though she has worked as a fisherman. McCain chose her to pick up the Hillary voters, but Palin is no Hillary. —Marina L., Juneau, AK

I think she's far too inexperienced to be in this position. I'm all for a woman in the White House, but not one who hasn't done anything to deserve it. There are far many other women who have worked their way up and have much more experience that would have been better choices. This is a patronizing decision on John McCain's part- and insulting to females everywhere that he would assume he'll get our vote by putting "A Woman" in that position.—Jennifer M., Anchorage, AK

So Governor Palin is a staunch anti-choice religious conservative. She's a global warming denier who shares John McCain's commitment to Big Oil. And she's dramatically inexperienced.

In picking Sarah Palin, John McCain has made the religious right very happy. And he's made a very dangerous decision for our country.

Sources:

1. "Sarah Palin," Wikipedia, Accessed August 29, 2008
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarah_Palin

2. "McCain Selects Anti-Choice Sarah Palin as Running Mate," NARAL Pro-Choice America, August 29, 2008
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=17515&id=13661-3262229-QARy2Ux&t=1

3. "Sarah Palin, Buchananite," The Nation, August 29, 2008
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=17736&id=13661-3262229-QARy2Ux&t=2

4. "'Creation science' enters the race," Anchorage Daily News, October 27, 2006
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=17737&id=13661-3262229-QARy2Ux&t=3

5. "Palin buys climate denial PR spin—ignores science," Huffington Post, August 29, 2008
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=17517&id=13661-3262229-QARy2Ux&t=4

6. "McCain VP Pick Completes Shift to Bush Energy Policy," Sierra Club, August 29, 2008
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=17518&id=13661-3262229-QARy2Ux&t=5

"Choice of Palin Promises Failed Energy Policies of the Past," League of Conservation Voters, August 29, 2008
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=17519&id=13661-3262229-QARy2Ux&t=6

"Protecting polar bears gets in way of drilling for oil, says governor," The Times of London, May 23, 2008
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=17520&id=13661-3262229-QARy2Ux&t=7

7 "McCain met Palin once before yesterday," MSNBC, August 29, 2008
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=21119&id=13661-3262229-QARy2Ux&t=

it happened at 7:20 am, 8/27/08

2008-08-27T10:59:00.003-04:00

I left my apartment early because I've been getting stuck in traffic the past couple of mornings (stupid schools!). So, at 7:20 am EST I was ready to leave. So I did. And the moment I opened my door I came FACE-TO-FACE with the most delicious Fridge speciman I have seen in person in a very long time!

Why was he at my door? Well, my door and the foot of the stairs are about 6 inches away from each other. This is the first time in my two years of residence I have ever almost-collided with a stair dweller/climber. And I certainly didn't mind it. Well, except that my hair was still completely wet and piled unattractively on top of my head and I was holding some papers with my lips.

Why he was coming in at 720 am EST in gym-ish clothes with his dry cleaning I'll probably never know...but another encounter with him I won't mind.

....ahhhhhhh.........

all is well

2008-08-26T16:42:00.002-04:00

I just got a pep talk and a little revenge and all is well with the world again.

I can make it another day.

That is all.

my heart is too soft

2008-08-26T15:36:00.003-04:00

I've finally figured it out: I'm too emotional, too fragile, too connected with needing reinforcement and positive feedback to work in corporate America.

...I try not to feel beat up when I'm criticized over and over. But I do. I feel attacked even though I know I'm doing the job I was hired to do. I've been stripped of every single responsibility I've ever had around here, and still I'm not good enough.

Makes for a long day.

At least there's a night ahead of me full of Paulo ;)

Oh, and when I get home tonight I need to write about my latest EH escapade.

Until then I shall be enjoying the new Okkervil River.

New Year's!

2008-08-25T13:41:00.004-04:00

I've just made the decision: I'm heading to Maine for New Years!

Hooray!

I checked with my dear friends the J. Emlets and they are willing to host me (at least that's what I inferred through text message) and the airline prices are actually pretty decent---so I'm headed to Maine December 29-Jan 2nd!

There shall be some of this:

And this:

And of course this (if Bethany isn't too pregnant and let's us come over and hang out):

And the most wonderful tradition of all, this:

And he'll be a year older:

And they'll be there cause they live there now!:

And if we pray really hard, she'll be there too:

And if we're lucky there will be this reunion:

So, everyone and anyone: make your plans now! Let's go to Maine for New Years! We may have to have alternate NYE party plans, but that's ok. We're resourceful. Maybe we can host our own party down in the dining hall...Bethany, we'll set up and clean up after ourselves...we promise!

This idea has temporaily gotten me out of my perpetual job depression funk. Thanks guys!

Oh, and Iga, thanks for letting me come over and sit in your ultra-modern chairs. We should do it again some time.

Jason, apparently a crowd wants to come to Athens the next time I head out for the Carl Lundberg Jazz Trio night. It'll be fun!

Anyone up for traveling to Maine with me? It's readily apparent that there shan't be anyone "special" to travel with this year (perhaps ever. maybe it's best this way...now I don't have to ever throw out my ratty sleep shirt!)...so I might as well travel and spend as much time with friends as possible.

Ohp. Gotta get back to work.

Let me know! Have a great Monday afternoon!

Hello Lame, my name is Corporate Law

2008-08-21T11:14:00.002-04:00

Just got out of a meeting. Topic of meeting?

If our published hours of work are 8-5 we cannot be at our desks before or after said time. Fine. The kicker: we cannot take our lunch breaks at our desks because when I'm in my cube, I'm technically "working."

No more eating lunch while watching things on Hulu or blogging (during lunch) or any other such actions. If I'm to eat here, I have to eat in the breakroom. With 200 of my closest friends. And two microwaves. And maybe 20 chairs. That should go really well, now shouldn't it?

I guess I'll just waste gas and go home every day. Or go out to eat. Or just sit in my car listening to podcasts. Awesome.

God bless corporate life.

uh oh

2008-08-20T12:17:00.002-04:00

I find myself thinking of PB this morning...I might actually legitimately like him (I like to have frivilous crushes, as is obvious...but I don't like REAL crushes that often--they're heavy).

A text message conversation between myself and PB's brother-in-law G:
me: I've got to be in Athens tonight [ok, that wasn't totally true...but I was glad for a reason to go to Athens to see my friends I don't see nearly as much as I'd like]. Do you think PB would be totally creeped out if I showed up where he's playing jazz with my Rebuilt friend?
G: NOT AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [there were a lot of exclamation points, this, however, is an approximation of how many there were] I think he would be really glad to see you! Tell him I said hello.
me (944 pm): He is enjoying my presence. SCORE!
G: told ya :)
me: yeah, there was a kiss on the head. a mouthed WOW when I walked up. All signs point to I'm in love ;)
G: best news I've heard all day

So, at least his sister's husband likes me.

delicious.

2008-08-20T01:13:00.003-04:00

delicious:
--hanging out with jana and molly harwell
--getting to eat an organic and locally grown dinner with one of my favorite people on the planet, j. harwell
--half-price house wine
--jazz night...there was a breeze on this late summer evening. Piano Boy was a vision in jazz playing both the keys and trombone
--j. harwell left and I felt like I should be sitting in an old gretta garbo film, smoking cigarettes, looking on proudly as I wait for my man to whisk me away...it was dark, there was jazz that permeated my being, there were patio lights strewn about, and I just sat there drinking my wine relishing in the fact that I'm alive and that I'm done living in fear. I shall drive to surprise people at jazz nights. I shall do what it takes to live my utmost life.

It's 1:18 am EST. I could wax poetic, but for right this instant, I'll leave you this:

so this is what I've decided.

2008-08-18T23:02:00.002-04:00

BC gets until this coming Saturday to answer my guided closed-ended questions on his own. I will then use the EH-sanctioned Nudge feature (nudging those that you've contacted reminding them of such and that they need to reply in some form or fashion). If he doesn't reply by the following weekend (Labor Day), I'm closing the communication and moving the junk on.

Three weeks is adequate time to decide if you'd like to tell me through an A, B, C, or D answer whether you'd rather eat at a fancy restaurant or a hole-in-the-wall. Seriously now.

This message has been approved by Terra Cotta Sugarbaker and I'm grateful for that.

Sunday Sunday Sunday!

2008-08-18T12:30:00.002-04:00

I finally told G (Piano Boy's brother-in-law and my good friend), through a text message, that even though BC was a match for me on the computer, it's his brother-in-law that seriously turns my head.

We had a lovely and wonderful interaction last evening at church, PB and I, and I'm a'thinkin' that I will surprise him in Athens tomorrow night as he plays with his jazz trio. I need to get myself to Athens anyway to visit my dear Harwells, so why not visit with them AND stalk PB? I think it's a great idea. I'll keep you updated.

BC totally looked at my EH profile again yesterday...so he didn't come to church, but he definitely looked at my page!

Gotta get back to work. Just thought I'd give you a mini-update.

No seriously, I'm heading to Vegas...

2008-08-17T00:28:00.001-04:00

...to elope with THIS guy:

The one thing Steven is most passionate about:

I am passionate about foreign culture & travel, about people, and about God's grace & glory. I love to travel around the globe. I am fluent in Spanish, conversational in Arabic, & I speak enough French to embarrass myself. I love discovering the uniqueness of various cultures. I am an extrovert at heart & love being around people. I enjoy making people feel included and welcomed. God has shown me his grace over & over through His protection & providence. He is my strength & my portion, and my greatest passion is reflecting His glory among the nations.

The three things which Steven is most thankful for:

My wonderful family & friends
Opportunities I've had to travel all over the world
God's grace & protection

The most influential person in Steven's life has been:

Hmm... this is a hard one. I would say that rather than one individual I have been most influenced by a series of fellowships or communities: my summer Bible Study in high school, my BCM accountability group in college, the church staff I worked with as Student Pastor, my house-church overseas. It's the community, the composite of individuals through the leading of the Holy Spirit, that has most impacted my life decisions and has helped make me who I am today.

Steven's friends describe him as:

Intelligent
Spontaneous
Passionate
Spiritual

Three of Steven's best life-skills are:

Remaining calm yet resilient during a crisis
Making new friends
Sharing my beliefs through teaching, participation, and example

The most important thing Steven is looking for in a person is:

I'm looking for someone who has counted the cost of following Christ and is on an adventure with Him.

The first thing you'll probably notice about Steven when you meet him:

Probably my laugh. My students make fun of me because I laugh too loud and too often, but I have found that good-natured laughter is the quickest way to put someone at ease. Living overseas I quickly learned that, even if there's a language barrier and you have no idea what the other person just said, if you can read the situation well enough to know when to laugh, you've made a close friend (even if he's making fun of you!)

The one thing Steven wishes MORE people would notice about him is:

I don't really know...

Steven typically spends his leisure time:

Since I can't afford to travel all the time, I love meeting new friends from around the world, learning about new languages & improving the languages I know.

The things Steven can't live without are:

Laptop (My connection to the world)
Cell phone (My connection to my friends & family)
iPod (Music is my recharge)
My books (Sadly, I like books more than reading!)
A little bit of adventure in every day

The last book Steven read and enjoyed:

I'm the kind of reader who has 4 or 5 books going at any given moment and switches haphazardly between them. I just finished a collection of short stories in Spanish. My favorite was "El primer milagro", the story of the Nativity told from the perspective of the stingy, dysfunctional family of the innkeeper. I'm currently almost finished with "Mere Christianity" by CS Lewis. I love the keen sharpness with which Lewis gets to the heart of things. "A great many things have gone wrong with the world that God made and... God insists, and insists very loudly, on our putting them right again." Brilliant!

One thing that only Steven's best friends know is:

How to make me blush.

Some additional information Steven wanted you to know is:

I just returned from 2 1/2 years of studying Arabic while living in the Middle East (Lebanon & Jordan, not Iraq). And yes, I'm an AP Spanish teacher, so I speak 3 languages. I'm hoping to start my Masters in Applied Linguistics in the spring at Georgia State and then in a few years move back overseas... Where? Only God knows for now!

Oh! And he's totally cute. Awesome.

Thanks eHarmony :)

it really IS in the attitude!

2008-08-16T23:36:00.002-04:00

Ok, so at some point right before I got to work this afternoon a peace fell over me...and a confidence I don't think I've ever felt seeped into my very being. And this is the outcome: I am no longer intimidated by my EH match to BC. Not at all. We're a match on all 29 personality points or whatever they're called. I am a catch. That's the long and the short of it. I shouldn't be intimidated by his good looks, his famous dad, his seeming intelligence or his possible wealth. I am worthy. There is nothing about me embarrassing or that should be hidden away. I'm tired of not feeling good enough.

If he's not game for our potential romance, then I shall move on and wait upon the Lord some more! This is a very freeing moment!

We all have things we need to work on and nothing is ever going to be perfect. There is never a time where I will say, "Finally, my junk is pulled together. Only now am I ready for someone else to enter my territory."

So, hopefully I'll see BC at church tomorrow night. If not, well, too bad. For him. I hope he's not shallow enough that he'll let my EH match and subsequent contact with him deter him from worshiping at our church. If he is, well, that's not a good sign at all.

When I just checked my email, I have eight new matches on EH and then a guy sent me an "email" just saying hello. Now, he's a BBM (beautiful black man)...but he's not a Christian. I'm going to email him back stating how that's a deal breaker...but it's the fact that there ARE men interested...I just haven't met the right one yet! (BEP! THE ONE, the one, the one, the one) Also, I have a yahoo personals account because that's the one that makes me laugh most often and I was sent a "You have new matches" email from them this evening as well. And I was matched with a true fridge/lumberjack and under his ideal body type for a woman: "A few extra pounds, Voluptuous." Bonus. He loves Jesus and I will be emailing him this evening as well.

It's amazing what a little self confidence will do to improve your outlook on life!

And in the immortal words of Stuart Smalley:

deep breathe...deep breaths...

2008-08-15T15:53:00.002-04:00

Ok, so, well, ok. Must compose thoughts.

There is a feature on eHarmony that lets you see who has viewed your profile. I randomly clicked on that feature about 2.5 minutes ago.

BC has totally viewed my profile. As well as Marty (seriously. That's his name. Marty.) whom I also sent my questions to this morning.

I have yet to receive any communications back from these gentleman, but just seeing that BC had indeed looked at my profile just made the F word fly out of my mouth at a rather shrill decibel. Awesome. Way to go cube dweller!

Happy Friday afternoon everyone!

I will CERTAINLY keep you updated.

Two things...

2008-08-15T10:20:00.002-04:00

I am currently overhearing a male coworker talking to someone about his nephew really enjoying the Olympics, especially gymnastics:
"Now he wants to do gymnastics. I'm thinking NO. His parents want him to do an inside sport this winter, and I can think of a few more things for him to do inside other than gymnastics. If he starts that, he might as well do BALLET. Sheesh."

So gross. Ugh. This guy creeps me out anyway, but from what I know he's mid- to late-40s and has gross personal hygiene habits and he certainly doesn't have a romantic life (I hear about those woes too). Ugh. Like HE has any place to say that someone shouldn't pursue something. Right, cause playing football when you were younger worked out for you buddy, sure.

Also, I was matched with a guy on eHarmony this morning and he lives like 60 miles from me now, but he said at the end of his profile that he's moving to Atlanta at the end of August. I'm only like 15-20 miles to Atlanta. He closed our communication because, "I think the physical distance between us is too great." Seriously?

Maybe he's hoping he'll find someone in his cul-de-sac or something. Weird.

Ugh. Lots of work to do today.

My prayers are with Kate's family on the passing of her (albeit curmudgeonly) grandmother.

RE: mind blown

2008-08-13T12:18:00.003-04:00

I totally sent him (the guy I go to church with that I was also matched with on eHarmony) my list of closed ended questions (that's step two in the 10 step guided communication process). Not only do I know him, but I really liked what he had to say in his profile.

My questions to him are (there are like 30 questions to choose from, the A, B, C, D answers are already determined...I didn't write them):

1.
If you were taken by your date to a party where you knew no one, how would you respond?
A. Stay close to my date, letting him/her introduce me
B. Find a spot at the back bar and relax alone, letting him/her work the room
C. Strike out on my own, introducing myself and making friends
D. I would ask my partner if I could skip this particular event

2. Which of the following marriage issues do you fear most?
A. Fear of growing apart
B. Fear of marrying the wrong person
C. Fear of becoming "your parents"
D. Fear of being hurt

3. If you went out to eat with a friend, which of the following would you prefer?
A. A nice 4-star restaurant
B. A basic steakhouse
C. An undiscovered hideaway
D. A hole in the wall with great food

4. If you could take a dream getaway, where would you most likely choose to spend a week?
A. Paris
B. Hawaii
C. Hiking in the mountains
D. A cottage by the sea

5. How important is it to you that your partner be accepted by your family and friends?
A. Very important
B. Important, I trust my family and friends but sometimes they are wrong
C. Slightly important, if they had a strong objection I might consider it
D. Not important at all, their opinions would not influence me

I also emailed him (through real email) and told him that he should let me know when he gets the eHarmony email--although I just said "I just sent you an email from a very specific website...let me know when you get it ;)"...so he can totally take it as a joke (which I mean) or he can take our match seriously (which I'm totally open to). It's a win-win situation.

I called the lady and my friend at our church that knows both of us and the news made her laugh until she cried, and then, like a thirteen-year-old girl she yelled, "CONTACT HIM!" She thinks this could be "the start of something beautiful!" So, we'll let him make the next move. She also prompted me to call our pastor (who's been my friend for 13 years)...so I left a very amusing voicemail for him as well.

Please feel free to answer those questions and leave them in the comments. Also, try to guess what answer I'm hoping for on each of them...it'll be fun. Like a game!

Ok. I actually have to get some work done today.

Oh, and this guy shall hereby be called BC. Good day.

the last one for today as my mind is officially blown

2008-08-13T10:43:00.002-04:00

I live in Atlanta, GA (well, kind of). Atlanta is the core city of the ninth most populous metropolitan area in the United States at 5,278,904. That's five MILLION people. Five MILLION people in one CITY.

Ok. So let's say a little less than half that population is men. Great. 2 million men in the city. Out of two MILLLION men, my latest eHarmony match is someone who I totally go to church with on Sunday nights (there are only about 30 of us there)...and he's hot. And his dad is a local sports celebrity. I haven't read his profile yet because my mind is blown.

Wow. I'll keep you updated. I haven't decided if I should make this online move to contact him because that might make church a very weird experience. Maybe I'll play it safe and wait for him to say something.

Wow. Now I MUST go read his profile...

wow...that's a whopping bullet

2008-08-13T10:32:00.002-04:00

Christopher from Peachtree City.

Wow.

I don't know if I can read the rest of the profile.

"The three things which Christopher is most thankful for:
Having Friends that love me and worry about me (great!)
Having Family that loves one another very much (that's cute!)
That i was able to have found true happiness prior to my girlfriend recently passing away. (SO SAD! Uh...what?! If she recently passed away, why are you on a dating site? Why is that the first thing you're telling potential mates/dates? I'm confused. Very confused.)"

When she is at the top of your dating profile...who can live in your dead girlfriend's shadow? Wow.

I did read the next thing down...also confusing:
"The most influential person in Christopher's life has been:
Stephanie, i call her my daughter even though she is only 5 years younger then I. we have gone through so much together. i can only hope that we will continue to support each other (by phone these days). "
Why does he call her his daughter?...

love on a different front

2008-08-13T10:03:00.002-04:00

ok ok ok...I have recommitted to online dating. Not "committed" like I'm dedicating a lot of time to it, I'm just re-reviewing it as a possible avenue.

Well, when I graduated from college a friend (for whatever reason) bought me a year's subscription to eHarmony. You can't ever get deleted from their system no matter how hard you try, so the other day (due to a great story from my friend Autumn about the liberating things she's learned about herself and her new "friend" Bernard from eHarmony) I renewed my profile (with a coupon of course!) and I've decided that I will post any amusing/frightening/touching things/people/comments I come across while traversing the intraweb dating scene.

Today's funny comment from a guy named Kevin who works for the University of Alabama's football team:
"The last book Kevin read and enjoyed:
Game of Shadows. its a book that talks about steroids in sports. (i know, not the most romantic novel i could come up w/)"

I love that he thought to himself, "What's the last romantic novel I read?" and his answer was about steroids in sports. It just struck me as amusing.

The rest of his answers were cute and I will be allowing him the honor of getting to step two (out of ten...Dr. Neil Clark Warren a'int playin') in our communication process.

"Some additional information Kevin wanted you to know is:
I'm just an honest, kind, caring and funny guy. I may not be the best looking guy in the world, but I easily make up for it with my personality and my kindness."
--he's totally teddy bear adorable (which we all know is one of my top three types) and that phrase makes you go "Awwwww..." not "Why would he put himself down like that?" He's humble. And loves Jesus. And that's enough for me.

I love it.

2008-08-12T16:16:00.002-04:00

I love love love love LOVE that a one Mr. Harwell (award-winning singer/songwriter and of Rebuilt Records fame) just called me to call me out for making out with Paulo.

I guess I forgot he reads my blog.

Ahahahahahaha. An excellent phone call, sir.

I know, I know...

2008-08-12T15:23:00.002-04:00

Now that I have a computer and internet at home, I'm blogging less and less. I'm sorry, my friends!

My new/old position at work keeps me super busy--so not a lot of idle Internet time like the days of old.

I have a few things I'd like to discuss:
As you may or may not know already: I totally joined lips with dear Paulo last week at a work-sanctioned event. It was very nice and everything you'd expect out of our lips meeting. It shan't happen again (I've already discerned that he's not "the one" for me and because of that, I should probably not lead myself or him on. I know. So sad.).

My friend Sarah is back in the country after being in Guatemala for the past 2.5 years and that's super exciting! So, if you're considering joining the Peace Corps, well, she can talk to you about it.

On a selfish note, I know I should be compassionate at all times, but the person who said they no longer needed my help which resulted in my position being eliminated is close to drowning and has so many errors and problems on his hands that it's causing every other department a serious strain. I don't want to say "I told you so," but, well, I did. I'm sorry for him, but maybe next time people will actually listen to me regarding things I know about.

My dear friends Jen and Jonathan (and Carrie and Autumn) were in the newspaper! Congrats, guys! They'll be in Delaware and done with their ride on August 23rd. Pretty exciting stuff!

I will again be bowling for the Rebuilt Records Bowl-A-Rama that is being held in Athens, GA September 20th. I need to raise some serious cash by then, so don't think I won't be asking every one of you for some fundage...I'll be setting up a PayPal link to make it easier to donate. It's a fundraiser for Rebuilt as they are non-profit and gotta make some cash somehow...and since I believe in what they're doing and the music they're making and the things they're doing in the future, I've decided to bowl 100 frames (10 games) and get sponsored for each frame. More information coming soon.

I have more to say, but work beckons me. Maybe I'll write more when I get home from work. Tonight will be night 2 working with Paulo after the kiss action. Night 1 went very well indeed. There was some high-powered flirting, but that's about it. All-in-all, it's been an excellent outcome to what could be a perilous situation.

much love.

I'm a GENIUS!

2008-08-09T14:18:00.001-04:00

Movie Reviews

"Take a few hours off work to "vote"--just nap in your car!"

2008-08-01T15:35:00.000-04:00

hi-larious.

2008-08-01T15:14:00.001-04:00

The U2 prank is the best.

and now for some funny improv...

2008-08-01T15:04:00.002-04:00

and a commercial from England that copied the idea:

If I'm making today Controversial Day, here we go again:

2008-08-01T14:34:00.002-04:00

This is from one of my favorite bloggers/appearer on NPR's of late: Dan Savage.

He's got a good point.

Make Sure the Next Woman You Meet Who’s Thinking About Voting for McCain…

posted by Dan Savage on August 1 at 10:40 AM

…reads this.

The Bush Administration has ignited a furor with a proposed definition of pregnancy that has the effect of classifying some of the most widely used methods of contraception as abortion.
A draft regulation, still being revised and debated, treats most birth-control pills and intrauterine devices as abortion because they can work by preventing fertilized eggs from implanting in the uterus. The regulation considers that destroying “the life of a human being.”

Many medical groups disagree. They hold that pregnancy isn’t established until several days after conception, when the fertilized egg has grown to a cluster of several dozen cells and burrowed into the uterine wall. Anything that disrupts that process, in their view, is contraception…. Dozens of Congressional Democrats—including presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama—have signed letters of protest blistering the proposal. His Republican rival, Sen. John McCain, declined to comment.

The goal of this proposed regulation? To make it harder for women to come by contraceptives. If standard methods of contraception are reclassified as abortion then laws crafted to allow pharmacists and other medical personal to “opt out” of providing treatments that violate their religious beliefs—morning-after pills, abortion referrals—would suddenly cover the pill and IUDs.

Helloooooo? Straight people? The GOP and the religious right don’t just hate the gays and gay freedom to host gay brunches, enter into gay marriages, and do gay adoptions. They hate your freedoms too.

NO seriously...this is ridiculous.

2008-08-01T14:22:00.002-04:00

this guys is connected to focus on the family (argh!)...and I'm sorry to my conservative friends--but seriously, there are some of us who are vehement Jesus lovers that are actually Democrats. I believe in social services and feeding the hungry and accepting people where they are in life and trying to help. I believe in pro-choice (although I'm anti-abortion)--because the thought of scared teenage girls going to dark dirty "clinics" where they are presented with a coat hanger just doesn't appeal to me. And banning abortions isn't going to prevent unwanted pregnancies...I believe in informed decisions.

So, think what you want to think, but I think this is ridiculous:

you learn something new every day

2008-08-01T09:27:00.003-04:00

I had never heard of trolls like this before.

Wow. It's a very interesting article, that's for sure.

I think these kids just need a hug.

Malwebolence from the New York Times.

it's 11:09 pm...what are YOU doing?

2008-07-29T23:09:00.002-04:00

for the first time in over two years I have Internet in my own home! hooray!

oh, and I'm writing this from my new iMac...hooray!

it's a good Tuesday night.

now, since I've been so busy at work I need to shop online for my Cotillion dress for this year.

Chrysalis has been postponed until February because we didn't have enough applications on time, which I'm totally ok with. I was feeling rushed and things were out of control. It also means that I get to attend Cotillion, the biggest fundraiser for AID Atlanta of the year (AIDS education non-profit that my dear dear friend Jay, a debutante from last year, works for). I'm pretty jazzed.

Golden Girls...

2008-07-24T10:45:00.002-04:00

It has been brought to my attention that I've been falling down on my blogging duties, so here are some updates:

I finally have pictures of Paulo. They aren't "candids," they're from a store "photo shoot"--if I can remember to get the camera out of my car, I will upload one or two.

I love the Robert Plant and Alison Krauss album "Raising Sand." I also love their set that I downloaded from this year's Bonnaroo. Just thought I'd let you know.

I also love this video, rest in peace Estelle Getty:

And on a serious note:

I was at church on Sunday night and our new associate pastor (she's young and she's African American...just what a church in downtown Atlanta that hopes to reach out to minorities of all kinds needs!) preached and she preached on the parable of the fig tree.

Luke 13:6-9 (New International Version)

6Then he told this parable: "A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any. 7So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, 'For three years now I've been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven't found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?'
8" 'Sir,' the man replied, 'leave it alone for one more year, and I'll dig around it and fertilize it. 9If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.' "

And she preached on how in our lives not doing anything is as much a sin as doing everything wrong...that when we don't bear fruit we are sucking out resources that are meant for good, yet not doing anything with them. And that's how I feel about my life right at this second. I'm here, but I need to be dug around. I need to be growing, I need to be growing fruit. There are some aspects of my life where things are going really well and I feel a closeness with the Lord. I love my church, I'm really enjoying being involved with Chrysalis again and the family that community is to me. I'm even enjoying furthering my friendships and relationships with those whom I do not live near. But the big inhibition to be bearing fruit: what am I really doing with my life? I work two jobs that aren't really furthering the kingdom. So that's where my prayer lies: that I can hear God's voice and really follow where He leads. I've been so busy just with "stuff" lately that I haven't taken any time to be still and KNOW.

And I know you guys have been wondering: I don't think I'm moving out of Atlanta any time soon. We sang "God of This City" at the end of worship Sunday and I started crying. For real crying because I just felt the tug on my heart to help those in this city...so for now, I'm staying put. Mainers, you're always in my dreams--but for right now, I just don't think it's right.

I'm also here for more prayers:
My lease is up September 15. My rent is going up considerably, and I'd prefer not to be in an apartment. I'm too young/inexperienced/single/not-enough-in-savings for a home loan. So I'm left with a lot of questions and not a whole lot of options. Oh, and did I mention my mom and I are a package deal. It's just a source for a lot of stress right now.

My job situation, of course.

The Chrysalis weekend. As of Saturday 7/26 at 8 pm we need 12 confirmed applicants for the weekend to be a "go." Right now, we have one confirmed application. And I'm mixed over how I feel--of course God can move mountains and he can get those applications in by the deadline. I'm just torn because I feel like a lot of stuff has been thrown together haphazardly because we haven't had adequate preparation time and I wouldn't mind the weekend being postponed so some more thorough planning can be done. Not my will Lord, but yours.

Oh, and on a happier note: Bowl-A-Rama 2008 is coming up on September 20 in Athens, GA!

Bowl-A-Rama is this thing Rebuilt Records does every year as a fundraiser. This will be my third year participating: I will bowl 100 frames and I need to raise $1000 to do it! Actually, this year I'm looking to top $1000 because I believe in Rebuilt and I believe in supporting independent musicians! Anyway, I will be writing much more on this later--but please pray for this function because most of Rebuilt's overhead costs are covered from this one event (Rebuilt needs to raise about $18K this year---last year we got $14K). If you're in the Atlanta metro area (or want to travel for the event!) please consider coming out to Athens that day and bowl with me! It's a team event this year and there are new rules and stuff--but I don't remember the specifics because I'm a moron and didn't listen that closely to Jason when we spoke on the phone. I do know that there are chances to win $250 gift cards to the Apple store. So that's fun. And if you can't join us and don't want to be your own bowler that raises his/her own $1000, then please consider contributing to my fund. I think I'm going to set up an online donation/give through PayPal kind of thing this year---it'll make it easier for the people that I don't see on a regular basis (AKA YOU guys!).

Ok, gotta actually get some work done this morning.

Fun in the midst...

2008-07-18T10:38:00.002-04:00

So, as several of you may now know, I was called into my boss' office yesterday and told my current position has been eliminated. Awesome. I am being offered my old job back, with my friend as supervisor, so that's nice. At least I have a job, right?

This Chrysalis thing is sticky and it's pulling me down--but I know that's just Satan trying to sidetrack this amazing ministry--so my head's held high and we'll make it through.

I'm heading to Eddie's (birthplace for Shawn Mullins, Sugarland, John Mayer got his real start here) tonight for the private (sweet! I've finally made it! I'm cool! [eye roll at myself]) viewing of the TV show that was filmed there several months ago (I got to be a part of the "studio" audience. It pays to make famous bars your Cheers for two years. Seriously, Caryn and I were there like 3 or 4 times a week.)--I have some photos somewhere around here. No flash=blurry Shawn Mullins that's for sure. Go check out The Everybodyfields. They're deliciously depressing...the song "Lonely Anywhere" had us all in tears and I love it.
Shawn Mullins.

The everybodyfields.

Kitty Snyder.

My friend Troy and his band Telegram--they're great!

Do your part to help the world of independent musicians: buy Natalie Moon's new album, Short Stories of Epic Proportion. She's on Rebuilt's label and she's a super sweet girl--and I don't generally like female vocalists, but I do like her. And the CD design is enough to buy the album (way to go Jason).

Oh, and there's this FAILblog that LR turned me onto this week. And this video was posted. I've watched it about four or five times now. Brilliant. Enjoy.

today

2008-07-15T16:51:00.002-04:00

My friend Loyal Reader (LR) just communicated to me when I commented that I had to work with Paulo tonight, "If he had hair, you'd collect it. Just admit it."

Eww, gross. I do have to work with him tonight. I'm back in our demo station all night--which means he'll be back there begging food off me. Oh well. I guess I'll play this one by ear.

And Bep and Chad and Brahm are starting their drive to Maine tomorrow night--hip hip hooray! They're moving back after a couple of years in Virginia so Chad could be in school. I'm so happy for them to move to Maine where both their families are.

I want to move to Maine.

But I also love Georgia. I love my Chrysalis people. I love my church.

And I love the fact that it's 455 and I'm going to go ahead and go so I can stop by the gas station before TJ's and get some coffee...I need to start going to bed before 130 in the morning!

why oh why oh why?

2008-07-15T09:39:00.001-04:00

Yesterday and today have marked some grossness...I wake up and yet I don't go exercise (too tired, it's a lame excuse, I know)--I think there's something wrong with my foot, I get a shower, I come to work, I'm starving, so I eat something and then about an hour later (about now) I feel absolutely wretched.

It's like morning sickness but without the baby.

This stinks.

Maine, Hands on Atlanta, Joe's wedding, and Paulo's off his rocker

2008-07-14T14:10:00.006-04:00

I'm so terribly sorry for being such a horrible blogger lately...I haven't had much to do at work lately and frankly, I work best under pressure.

So, no word from Hands on Atlanta. That makes me pretty sad. I also applied for a job in Maine last Wednesday and also, no word. I just don't know where to look anymore, you know? I've been reading a devotional that's all about God's purpose in our life and the adventure of it all, and although it's very encouraging, it's pretty frustrating too. I pray (and I mean) for God to reveal His plan...and last night at the altar at church I prayed that I really want to do whatever it is that God wants me to do. I'm physically and mentally tired from doing the things that I don't feel I should ultimately be doing professionally.

So, back to the end of June and Joe's wedding. It was lovely! I went up on Thursday afternoon, had Thursday dinner with the families (I am considered a sister/daughter now) and it was really nice. Cut to later that night, sitting at the kitchen table at the parsonage with the best man (which was supposed to be me, but the bride cut that idea down UNDERSTANDABLY SO), a groomsman, the groom, and myself--I'm like the unspoken groomsman. One of the groomsmen doesn't drink anything but diet cola, the groom and the best man, because of a covenant they made with their seminary, don't drink any alcoholic beverages. I haven't had anything alcoholic to drink in a very long time, so for the sake of the story and not getting anyone in trouble, I will just say I was the only one drinking heavily at that table that night. You can read into that statement what you will. I'll just post this:

Ok? (The prescription for tennis elbow honestly had nothing to do with the night of non-drinking. for serious.) Right, so we played UNO until 3 am when groomsman went to bed and best man (same age, 37, as Joe) just couldn't keep up with our non-drinking, so he went to bed too. And that's when IT happened. Joe and I had this tearful, touching, heart-warming, heart-to-heart. He might not remember it (because he was so tired, of course), and he even said at the time that we wouldn't remember it in the morning (I totally do...and based on how he remembers the first conversation we ever had almost seven years ago verbatim, he probably remembers it too)...but it was a conversation where he was concerned whether I was really ok with him getting married to someone else (I TOTALLY am)--he was being sweet but borderline cocky thinking that I couldn't actually get over him. But that's neither here nor there. I promised him that I was A-OK and that I was happy for him, that's all I've ever wanted for him: to be happy. And then he told me some things that I could totally understand if his-now-wife hated me forever for: apparently she and he had a sit-down where he told her that next to her, I'm the most important person in his life. That I will always be a part of his life--that he just doesn't want me to be there, he has to have me there. I am a need. He then told me of he and she's possible future children and I have to be a part of their lives--he couldn't handle it any other way. It was all very sweet but quite disconcerting: as I sit here, three weeks later, I'm pondering: why? why tell me these things in a night of (un)drunkenness? I'm totally over him and that's a fact, but those are the sweetest and nicest things that have ever been said to me in a quasi-romantic, not-my-family-or-girl-friends kind of way. They are the things I've longed to hear from him for years...and he's telling me on his wedding weekend. It was all very heartwarming. And there were many tears on both our parts. (Perhaps I'll post here the letter I wrote to him last August that spilled my heart...) I expressed then that his now wife must truly hate me...and he said she didn't, but it'd be nice for me to express my happiness for them and that I really am just like a sister to her. I said I'd write her a letter (I'm a letter writing expert, by the way)--but I've yet to do it.

We had a lovely time setting up and cooking for the rehearsal dinner, the wedding was gorgeous (albeit slightly offensive (to me because I'm strangely traditional in some ways) in the fact that part of the vows included GO DAWGS and ROLL TIDE). They were married, we had communion, and I got to spend lots of time with college friends.

Enjoy the pictures. And by the way: I am going to go ahead and blow my preacher's sermon of humility last night out of the water and say that I am very pleased with my look on the wedding day and the amount of cleavage. I know that's shallow, but it was something that I needed to do. I needed to show myself (and everyone who knows my whole Joe saga) that I was happy, healthy, and had moved on beautifully.

Joe and Alana got married

On to faux boyfriends 1, 2, and 3. They are numbered in order, not rank. And yes, there's a number 3 as of yesterday. Faux boyfriend 1 is Paulo whom I'll come to in a moment. Faux boyfriend 2 is PB. He has yet to return any emails. He's out on tour right now, so I get it. But it's still kind of sad because we really do have a connection. So much so someone that neither of us know commented on it a couple of weeks ago after church. Faux boyfriend 3 is also from church. He's the son of a local sports star. He's super cute. And nice, and tall, and has good teeth, and he's got a super technical and smart-person job. I'm a sucker for the nerdy types, it's true. But he's not conventionally nerdy--he's very much a sportsman that just happens to be really smart. He takes after his dad I suppose. Anyway, we had a nice conversation last night and I was about to ask him out to dinner with Jay and I, but before I could, he had to head to dinner plans with a friend of his. He's currently on the list, but we'll see. I'll wait another week to give him a nickname.

And on to Paulo. He's seriously off his rocker. And in my head, he's totally off the viable list, but I just can't seem to take him off because I'm still wildly attracted to him physically (what'd Voddie say, Bep? Something like, "You don't have to wonder if you're sexually compatible. YOU ARE."). Anyway, I totally don't respect him as a manager as he drops the ball A LOT, he seems to avoid taking responsibility and takes every opportunity to shine the light on himself. But he DOES make me laugh--a lot. He's a nice guy, just a bad manager. He's a nice work friend--oh, and he told me late last week that I make him happy and I'm the reason he enjoys coming to work. Now, I realize that Jesus should make him happy, but a compliment is a compliment and I'll take what I can get ;).

Last Friday night I walked into work and I was soaked by the time I got to the front door because of a massive storm...he was walking out so as to head home. We stopped in the doorway of TJ's and he said to me, straight faced, a serious tone of voice, looking straight into my eyes: "If I wouldn't lose my job, I'd kiss that adorable wet-from-the-rain grin right off your face." And before I could respond he just kept walking out to his car and left for the day.

WHAT IS THAT ABOUT? Seriously now. Seriously. We're having a special event involving the store on Wednesday night that he's in charge of and he left us ZERO details that we who are working the event need to know about--so I was prompted to call his cell phone from the store on Saturday by our first mate. He didn't answer. He didn't return my call. He's off today and I won't see him again until tomorrow. I think my plan of action is NO action. I don't really want to encourage his pursuit--I don't really want it (I just like having the crush, I don't want the reality of him and the trainwreck that is his hedonistic, no-Jesus life) and I don't want his job to be affected by it.

Gross. What a weird situation.

In other news, my Chrysalis weekend is in six weeks and things are a mess! But I know the Lord uses this time to teach me how to be humble and utterly dependent on Him. So I am and I'm so excited!

We're having a gathering of youth groups next Saturday for kids that have already gone through Chrysalis and then area youth groups and adults, etc and we're going to be doing one of these:

Let's talk about POWERFUL. I haven't decided what my cardboard is going to say yet. I'll let you know when I decide.

Hope you're all very well indeed...and let's pray for the kids that are going to be attending this Chrysalis weekend (we only have two confirmed girls, and we need ten more by two weeks from now and the boys flight is going on labor day weekend and they only have one confirmed boy right now and need eleven more), let's pray for Jen, Jonathan, Carrie, and Autumn as they've hit the 2000 mile mark on their cross-country cycling trip, Bep and Chad as they move from Virginia to Maine, let's say a little prayer of thanks for Shawna's successful move to DC this past weekend, my job search, my husband search (hey, I'm an honest kind of girl), and for all the things that are weighing each of our hearts down.

Have a terrific Monday!

Can't say much...

2008-07-08T16:24:00.003-04:00

I can't write much here on my blog (I've run out of time during the day)...but I just want to write that I need all of your prayers!

Starting last night my mind has moved (pun intended) in a totally different direction...and so I'm considering a big move for my life and my career.

So, let's just pray that maybe THIS is why all kinds of Atlanta doors aren't opening for me...maybe I'm not meant to be here!

I'll update more tomorrow. And Bep, yes, I know I need to write my Joe wedding recap. Maybe tomorrow!

Hands On Atlanta

2008-07-02T11:57:00.002-04:00

I know you're all dying to hear about Joe's wedding this weekend (a teaser: his mom told me, at the rehearsal, in front of people who may or may not have heard her: I wish he would have married you instead)...but I don't have the energy for that kind of recap right now.

But I do want to pass along some prayer points!

I sent out an email yesterday to my Chrysalis peeps (the spiritual retreat I'm in charge of in NINE weeks! wow!) asking for prayer: we only have one confirmed participant when we need 12 and I haven't been able to notify and fully form my team of about 50 volunteers yet. We just need prayers that the Lord will provide, as He has been since I've been involved in this since 1997, and that things will come together in a supernatural way.

And here's my other prayer point: I had an epiphany Sunday night. I heard a sermon on Luke 16:19-31--The Rich Man and Lazarus.

Lazarus is this poor man that is kept out of the Rich Man's property by a gate. The Rich Man knew his name (no relation to the Lazarus that was raised from the dead), yet did nothing to help him. The sermon was about what kind of gates we have in our lives, the gates of prejudice and the gates that prevent us from helping others. Enjoy this video of the song I sang in high school (this is by the Asbury College men's glee club) about Poor Man Lazarus. I love the fullness of the parable because Lazarus goes straight to heaven and the Rich Man goes straight to hell and their roles are then reversed--Rich Man is begging for some water and Lazarus is in the position to help.

Anyway, I really had this overwhelming feeling not only during the sermon, but when my pastor was discussing this week's mission opportunities and I can't make it to any of them because I'm always working. Is the work I'm doing making a difference? Sure, I love TJ's...but is that really the most I can do with my love-people spirit? My ache to help people to have a better life?

So first thing Monday morning I got online and went to my favorite non-profit job searching site (opportunityknocks.org) and put in my parameters and this job showed up:

Associate Director of Recruitment & Marketing

Join Hands On Atlanta, one of Atlanta’s most highly respected and recognized nonprofit organizations. As a member of Hands On Atlanta’s Communications Department you will play a vital role in strengthening our community; bringing Atlantans together to address our city’s most critical issues.

The Associate Director of Recruitment & Marketing is responsible for managing the organization’s volunteer recruitment, recognition and retention initiatives.

Responsibilities
Recruitment: The goal includes recruiting 9,500 new members. The Associate Director of Recruitment & Marketing is responsible for creating long-term recruitment strategies and introducing innovative best practices into the organization’s recruitment and marketing initiatives.

Management: The Associate Director of Recruitment & Marketing is responsible for managing a team of staff members and interns who lead community outreach and recruitment, school-based recruitment for the Reading Adds Up program, National Service Recruitment (School-Based AmeriCorps, Community Action AmeriCorps, and VISTA), and volunteer relations, recognition and placement initiatives.

New Member Orientations: The Associate Director of Recruitment & Marketing is responsible for organizing all the new member orientations. Responsibilities include scheduling and managing all on- and off-site orientations, training staff and volunteers who participate in the orientation corps, and developing content and materials for orientation sessions.

Community Partnerships: The Associate Director of Recruitment & Marketing is responsible for developing long-term partnerships and recruitment plans with community organizations – collegiate, civic, faith-based groups, etc. Recruitment plan should also include strategies to increase participation from diverse populations, including ethnically and racially diverse groups, people with disabilities, seniors, families and youth.

Agency Special Events and Initiatives: The Associate Director of Recruitment & Marketing is involved in the development of all recruitment strategies for the organization’s special events and initiatives. This includes leading the organization to recruit volunteers for all major annual events such as 15,000+ volunteers for the annual Hands On Atlanta Day and 2000+ participants in the Martin Luther King, Jr. Service Summit.

Technology: The ability to manipulate computer software, especially database software and reporting functions in order to manage the organization’s volunteer database, accounts and project information.

Qualifications
Bachelor’s degree
At least 4 – 5 years demonstrated experience in nonprofit or corporate recruitment
A proven track record demonstrating excellent volunteer management, communication skills- both written and verbal and time management skills
Excellent computer skills- proficient with Microsoft Word, Microsoft Excel and Access is necessary.
A commitment to community service is necessary

Now, I don't fit every single qualification (I don't have 4-5 years of demonstrated experience in nonprofit or corporate recruitment)--but I do have an unmatchable passion for life, and if I do say so myself, an infectious spirit (now whether that's a malignant infection is up to you to decide). I brushed off my resume yesterday.

And I wrote this cover letter:

I’ve recently had an epiphany.

I’ve always felt the driving force from inside of me telling me that I just need to help people. I’m the kind of person that wants to make sure people are happy and that I can always find ways to make them laugh and feel appreciated. My current employment, the “day job”, is just a job I got right out of college. Sure, I get to interact with our clients that have accounts nationally, but at the end of the day, I work for the publishing company that publishes the Apartment Guide. We’re a free publication that is displayed at movie rental places and grocery stores. I admittedly now know more about tray ceilings, Jacuzzis®, lighted tennis courts and state-of-the-art fitness centers than I ever thought possible. I now know where Inland Empire and the Tidewater region are, all thanks to the Apartment Guide. But is my job of coordinating national accounts and advertising campaigns really making a difference? I realize that personal comportment and day-to-day interaction are a large part of making an imprint and living a legacy, but I want to take pride in knowing that I’m a small part of a whole that is making a difference, especially in the city in which I’ve grown up.

My “night job” just started out as a simple part-time job just to pass away some idle weekend time and have a little spending money. But my year and a half at Trader Joe’s has been life changing! I’ve learned a lot about myself and about where my strengths lie. I love the company and really admire their business practices, one of my favorites being that their number one corporate core value is integrity. It’s nice to be surrounded by people that believe in the work they do, believe in the product their selling, and they always “do the right thing.” This work environment is refreshing in a world of corporate step-or-be-stepped-upon ladder climbing. I never knew that selling groceries could be so fun and something I could so closely identify with. Trader Joe’s prides itself on being a part of the community, so I’ve really enjoyed going to local fairs, high school marching band competitions, and teacher appreciation days bearing donations. Lately, however, I’ve found myself wondering if selling groceries is really where I’m supposed to be. Sure, I do a good job there and am well-liked, but am I making the biggest impact possible by suggesting the sweet basil pesto chicken sausage goes really well in a cold pasta salad? I don’t know.

Here is where my epiphany lies and here is what I know: I am meant to help people. I love to talk to strangers, I laugh and smile with ease, and I take pride in knowing that my actions are improving the situations of those around me. I was sitting at church this past Sunday night and we were reading a story where a landowner kept a poor man outside of his property with a gate. The landowner knew the poor man’s name, yet refused to help him; he would just step over him to get onto his property. And I thought to myself, how many people am I stepping over instead of helping just because I’m too busy with my two jobs and social calendar? My church is in the heart of downtown Atlanta and service is the buzzword. Every Tuesday there is a meal prepared for Safe House or the Hospitality House. Every Saturday morning is Mission Morning where the members walk the streets with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches just talking to people and caring for immediate needs. I’m never able to help because I work so much and that saddens me. Community service has always what has brought my heart the most joy and now I’m too busy with my “adult” jobs to help others. That’s where the epiphany comes in: I need to be working somewhere where my mission-minded heart can join hands with employment that supplies me with a means to live.

I logged onto OpportunityKnocks.org Monday morning and immediately saw the Hands On Atlanta posting for the Associate Director of Recruitment and Marketing. I immediately knew of the organization because my youth group in high school participated in quite a few of your events (I’ve painted a few school lunchrooms in my day, that’s for sure!).

I told a friend of the posting and how I wanted to apply, and she sent me an article this morning out of the AJC that was describing summer law interns and how they’re working through Hands On Atlanta as a part of their firm-courting process (pardon the pun).

I don’t believe in coincidences, so here I am writing this letter. I think I have the passion for people and hospitality needed to work with volunteers. I believe in volunteer work. I believe people serving others, regardless of personal faith or background, is the foundation on which a purpose-filled life and a life that matters is built. I was taught early on that I’m no better than anyone and that if I am able, I am to help those that are less fortunate just to show them a smiling face and perhaps a hope in tomorrow.

I’ve lived in Atlanta my whole life and have a lot of friends. I have friend-connections in all kinds fields—from faith-based groups, to lawyers, to stay-at-home mothers, to collegiate coaches and athletes. I’m active in the local music scene as well and could get really excited if my friendships meant aid for Hands On Atlanta to help this city that we all love to thrive.

I know my way around a computer (both Mac and PC), I am highly organized in an office setting (just don’t look in my garage!), and I have the kind of personality that makes people want to be involved in whatever I am doing.

I appreciate your time. I realize this is longer than an average cover letter, but community service and just helping people in general is something I am quite passionate about. I look forward to hearing from you and hopefully joining up with Hands On Atlanta!

Sincerely,
Anna [L.]

So I just want your prayers that perhaps between us and God we'll figure out how to make my passions into my job.

We're destined for great things, friends!

Love you all!

Not suitable for work or those who are faint of heart...

2008-06-25T16:06:00.002-04:00

I've got some things to say. And they may trouble you: I believe in gay marriage. I believe in gay adoptions. Period. I believe that I am to love my neighbor as myself and let God sort it out. And I still love Jesus with all of my heart. Chew on that one, James Dobson.

Dan Savage writes this totally INAPPROPRIATE sex-advice column in Seattle. He also blogs daily for his paper, The Stranger.

And here is what he has to say (yesterday) and (today):

Tonight's 30 Days

posted by Dan Savage on June 24 at 3:20 PM

The third season of Morgan Spurlock's FX series 30 Days ~~kicks off~~ continues tonight with Spurlock dropping an opponent of gay adoption into a household headed by a same-sex couple in Michigan.

I happen to know the gay couple featured, Tom and Dennis Patrick, and their four boys. Every summer my family attends Gay Family Week in Saugatuck (not just me and the boyfriend and the kid, but my whole extended family), as do the Patricks. Tom and Dennis are great, mellow, thoughtful guys who've adopted four boys out of foster care. The state of Michigan, which should be pinning a medal on these guys, has instead threatened to take away their health-care benefits in the wake of an anti-gay marriage amendment to Michigan's state constitution. But that's not the point of this post...

Yesterday GLAAD—the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation—sent out a mass email urging "community members" to contact FX Networks to protest statements made by an anti-gay activist Spurlock interviews during the show. GLAAD, which once gave an award to 30 Days, says...

Regrettably, the episode also features a defamatory statement by Peter Sprigg of the Family Research Council, an anti-gay activist organization, who claims: "Homosexuality is associated with higher rates of sexual promiscuity, sexually transmitted diseases, mental illness, substance abuse, domestic violence, and child sexual abuse, and those are all reasons for us to be concerned about placing children into that kind of setting." While there is no credible scientific research that backs Sprigg’s claim—and much that disputes it—the episode presents his assertion as if it were fact and offers no credible social science experts or child health authorities to challenge Sprigg’s assertion. Indeed, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Psychological Association, the Child Welfare League of America, and many other child health and social services authorities who support parenting by qualified lesbian and gay parents dispute Sprigg’s claim.

GLAAD asked FX Networks last week to either edit Sprigg's comments out of the show or bring in one of those "credible social science" experts to respond to Sprigg's comments. FX refused.

I just watched the episode on a preview copy that FX overnighted to me—in hopes, no doubt, that I would disagree with GLAAD and defend FX and Spurlock's decision to air the show as-is.

Uh... sorry, FX, sorry, Morgan, but GLAAD is 100% right.

Sprigg's comments come early in the program and linger like mustard gas over every scene that comes after. A casual viewer may watch Tom and Dennis with their kids and think, "Okay, these guys are decent parents, and maybe their boys are going to be fine... but other kids adopted by other gays might not be so lucky. Other kids might wind up adopted by those gays that abuse kids, and rape them, and worse."

And GLAAD didn't even mention the interview that comes immediately after Sprigg's: Right after handing the mic to Sprigg Spurlock talks to Dawn Stefanowicz, a woman that wrote a book about living with a gay parent—her biological father—after he came out of the closet in the 1970s. This woman's father talked to her about bathhouse sex "at the kitchen table," and dragged her to a "downtown sex shop." She holds her father up—with Spurlock's help, and tinkly so-sad music playing in the background—not as an example of a lousy parent, gay or straight, but as an example of why no gay people should be allowed to parent. "Based on your personal experience do you believe children are at risk if they’re raised in homosexual households?" Spurlock asks this woman. "Children need a married mother and father," she replies. "I know that there are so many situations that are not ideal, but we still need to hold to an ideal that is best for children."

And, as with the interview with Sprigg, Spurlock doesn't challenge this woman's assertions or bring in anyone to address them. Instead Spurlock moves on to this: Hey, you can make piles of money providing sperm to lesbians that want to be moms—you know, those non-ideal parents that aren't best for children!

So basically Spurlock didn't just talk to Sprigg, and let him lie and lie and lie some more, he brought in someone to second Sprigg—someone using right-wing religious code—and allows her to assert that it would be better for Tom and Dennis's kids if they hadn't been adopted at all. And, again, the casual viewer is left to conclude that it would probably be for the best if Tom and Dennis hadn't been able to adopt those boys because, hey, God only knows what Tom and Dennis are talking about at the kitchen table when there aren't any cameras (or clueless Mormon bigots) in the house.

GLAAD wants you to contact the folks listed below to complain about Sprigg and Spurlock and 30 Days—and so do I.

20th Century Fox Television, Inc. Jeffrey Glaser Senior Vice President, Current Programming (310) 369-0211 jeffrey.glaser@fox.com
FX Networks:
Nick Grad
Executive Vice President of Original Programming
(310) 369-0949
ngrad@fxnetworks.com

Chuck Saftler
Executive Vice President of Programming
(310) 369-0949
csaftler@fxnetworks.com

Scott Seomin
Vice President of Public Relations
(310) 369-0938
scott.seomin@fxnetwork.com

30 Days Reactions From Around the Gay Interwebs

posted by Dan Savage on June 25 at 11:25 AM

It looks like GLAAD and I weren't the only folks offended by this interview night's 30 Days:

Americablog:

FX says gays abuse kids, are mentally ill
Yep. The FX network thought it would be cute, or funny, or something to put on TV an anti-gay bigot and let him spout all the tired old lies from decades ago—and THEN, not have anyone there to say "uh, those are all lies." So, FX's viewers were left with the message that gays abuse kids, are mentally ill, beat their partners, and more. Lovely. Maybe FX can get Heinz as a sponsor.... This is outrageous. It's bad enough for FX to let these bigots broadcast their tired old libel against gays, but then to not have someone there to point out that the "facts" are actually lies. Incredible.

Towleroad:

The episode also airs a disgusting statement from Peter Sprigg of the Family Research Council.... I've posted about Sprigg before. You may remember that back in March, Sprigg talked about immigration to the Medill Reports, saying, "I would much prefer to export homosexuals from the United States than to import them into the United States because we believe homosexuality is destructive to society."

Good As You

So first, just as we had been warned, they introduce Peter Sprigg and let him present his baseless "facts" in an unchallenged fashion. Even though the episode featured several pro-gay speakers, it is 100% irresponsible to let Sprigg, sitting in the "expert" chair, rail off this list of supposed gay ills as if they are the gospel. That simply would not be accepted with any other group of people! And it's unfair to just trust that the American public is going to realize that Sprigg's words are the product of his own one-sided views, and not credible information.
But that being said, this portion of the program gets almost worse after the Sprigg clip, when the show proceeds to present the conversation with Dawn Stefanowicz in a way that makes it sound as if she is merely a child of gay parents who has written a book about her experiences. Only problem with that? Dawn is not just someone who they found through an advertisement of casting call. Dawn is an anti-gay activist who has taken a situation that is unique to herself, filtered that through a faith in Jesus, and began a new career of using her own past paint to fight against equal rights for gays and lesbians (attracting the attention of rabidly anti-gay extremists like the American Family Association in the process). She is telling the story of her family, from only her own personal perspective, even admitting that "it was not until [her] father, his sexual partners and [her] mother had died, was [she] free to speak publicly about [her] experiences." And she's taking that one-sided story, with nobody alive to challenge it, and sweepingly misapplying it to gay parenting as a whole. It's patently unfair, both Dawn's misuse of personal trauma, and her inclusion on this program in this casual, unfleshed out way!

Complaints should be directed to...

20th Century Fox Television, Inc. Jeffrey Glaser Senior Vice President, Current Programming (310) 369-0211 jeffrey.glaser@fox.com
FX Networks:
Nick Grad
Executive Vice President of Original Programming
(310) 369-0949
ngrad@fxnetworks.com

Chuck Saftler
Executive Vice President of Programming
(310) 369-0949
csaftler@fxnetworks.com

Scott Seomin
Vice President of Public Relations
(310) 369-0938
scott.seomin@fxnetwork.com

Video via JoeMyGod.

tired

2008-06-25T09:29:00.003-04:00

Wow...as a far-off coworker wrote in her blog this morning, "Seems like this week’s been a strand of endless days and rather brief nights." I couldn't agree more!

I worked a shift for someone on Sunday at TJ's and I shouldn't have done it! I need my days off--especially Sunday as that's my day off from both jobs. So, my night off from TJ's was last Wednesday (when I met with Jessie at the Varsity!) and I've been working straight through and I'm TIRED!

I even found myself last night UN-amused by Paulo and his need to be the manliest man around (and that generally makes me laugh), and I was plagued with thoughts of "I gotta get out of here" in the sense of I need to make life changes that provide me with different opportunities for employment. I love TJ's, I do. I just wonder if it's the life for me. Let's continue to pray on that one.

But, I do have Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday off from both jobs for Joe's wedding. I'm pretty excited about that.

I got a postcard from The Bikers yesterday...it's a picture of Jen and Jonathan showing off some pretty great tan lines (I love tan lines!).

Oh, and my friend (and Rebuilt artist) Paul Reeves and his wife Katie had a little girl yesterday, Peyton Bellair Reeves. Congrats!

Corndogorama

2008-06-24T08:11:00.003-04:00

Man oh man, why does Joe have to be getting married THIS weekend?

This weekend is CORDOGORAMA weekend here in Atlanta. I missed it last year because of previous plans and vowed to go this year! Enjoy the Paste Magazine article HERE.

Man oh man that makes me sad.

I also started to run this morning and just couldn't summon the energy to go very far--I barely broke a sweat. Maybe tomorrow.

Ever just wish you could walk out of the office, go back home, get in bed, and read or sleep for hours and not have to explain it to anyone? This is one such morning for me. Man it'd be nice to just leave...

Billings, Montana!

2008-06-23T16:18:00.003-04:00

My packages to The Bikers made it to Billings, Montana. Hopefully they'll make it to the "general delivery" location before Wednesday. Who doesn't love the package tracking technology? I seriously do love the US Post Office. Well, most of the time.

My friend Greg finished his 300-mile, mountainous terrain, week-long, self-sufficient (carried all his gear on his bike) trip and apparently was humbled by God during the experience and this is what he has to say: "But here is what I can tell you......I am feeling very humbled, fragile and weak. I see clearly how imperfect I am. I see clearly how my energy is no match for the power and energy of God's creation. I see clearly the goodness of people much less "out there" in the limelight than myself. All in all, I finish this ride with a feeling of I did nothing worthy of note, and all that was done was done so because of God's provision. It really was all His glory......not FOR His glory.......His glory."

My biking-across-the-US friends have officially hit their 1000 mile mark--1/4 of their trip! Hip hip hooray!

I got up yesterday morning and decided that I wanted to run to my friend/coworker's neighborhood that's 1.5 miles away from my apartment. So I did. That means I ran 3 miles yesterday--and I didn't get started until about 920 am...it starts to get real hot in GA by then. And man, it was humid! But I feel great--I ran most of that again this morning, but my weekday mornings are under more of a time crunch since I do have to get to work. Maybe I'll get up earlier. Or maybe not. Maybe I'll just continue on as I have been.

I've found I really enjoy running outside (as opposed to the treadmill). It forces you once you've gotten somewhere to have to turn around and make it back home. You can't just hit the stop button and hop off. I've been trying to pray during my runs--and I actually thanked God this morning for my iPod. Ridiculous, I know. But I love that little darn machine. My mom is apparently really inspired by my running (this is week number three!), and she wants us to run the Peachtree Road Race next July 4th (as in 2009). I don't know. It's pretty hot in July, mid-day, with 50,000 runners. We'll see. At first I wanted to loose X amount of pounds by my 28th birthday (October 2009), but now I just want to be healthier. I want to have more energy and just be able to feel good about myself. I had a friend comment that I was the most confident person she knew--and I really gnawed upon that for a while. I don't see myself as being that confident, but I guess I am. I came to terms with my weight long ago and I'm tired of it holding me back. I go after the things I want (except for boys and that's only because God told me to stop!), I talk to strangers, I don't have the mindset that I'm not going to succeed.

I've been inspired by how much Bep reads, so I'm trying to read more. I got a book that's Christian, fiction, and written from a fat-girl protagonist's perspective. Sure, it's not a "classic," but I gotta start with small steps.

I went to church last night. It was good. There were several new people there, and several people came for the second or third time--it was nice to see this ministry we all believe it start to grow. My friend Adam, the lead singer/guitarist/my friend from high school is having a hard time with his son's mother (with whom he is no longer in a relationship)--so please pray for him. My friend Keith has been homeless the past three weeks (an argument with his landlord about air conditioning resulted in him having to move out...A/C is serious here in the south!) and he's been living in the gym where he works (I haven't had the guts to ask him if his gym boss knows...let the man have a little bit of dignity)--but anyway, he's an author. I plan on buying his book and you should too! He wrote it while he was in prison (I also don't know that story). Anyway, he comes to church faithfully, is extremely well-read, has a passion for Jesus, and is a really nice guy (and sometimes he flexes his arms for me--he's a personal trainer!). Anyway, this Thursday he's moving into a boarding-house type place downtown and we're really excited for him. So just pray for Keith's life and apparently he's writing another book for women (his first one is geared toward men) and he's really excited about getting into his new place so he can write again--and get a good night's sleep. I'm excited for him!

Also at church: PB, after exiting the stage, came and sat in front of me (I was on the inner part of the second pew, he on the first) and as he sat down he smiled straight into my eyes. I had to pray extra hard to hear the message that was preached last night (Parable of the Talents). I will refrain from typing more because I'm trying to show some restraint, but let us continue to pray that doors will be opened through which I need to go, and others will be shut if I need to turn around.

So when I went to City Stages I parked my car in a friend's driveway. On Sunday morning she accidentally backed into my car with her Xterra. She was frantic, but since it's not totaled, I'm not that worried. She filed a claim with her insurance and I went to get my car appraised today during lunch. My rear driver's side door is going to have to be replaced. Oh, and when I walked into the body shop the appraiser met me at, I was greeted at the door by a giant fridge of a man. Naturally I chose that body shop to complete the work on my car.

So, friends--sorry for this merely informative and not so humorous blog...I guess I just have a case of the Mondays. But please pray with me for a few things: PB and some discernment; how I'm investing the talents that God has entrusted to me (this is HIS life that he just let me borrow, after all); a home that we just stumbled upon this weekend that could be an answer to our prayers of looking for somewhere to live come September when our lease is up; and the biggest prayer request of this week: the only man I've ever loved is getting married this weekend. To someone else. And I'm ecstatically happy for him, I really and truly am. I'm going up Thursday to join him for family stuff (I'm referred to as 'sis' now) and I'm excited--but it's still awkward. And no matter how confident I am, I have a penchant to get emotional and morose at such events. The ole "this should have been me" kind of scenarios. So let's pray for their life together, let's pray for the rest of his time in seminary as he'll now be married, let's pray for my friend Beth who is his ex-fianceé, and lastly: let's pray for me to survive on hope for what I can't yet see!

Ok, gotta head to TJ's...I'll leave you with a photo of me and the happy couple.

lunch!

2008-06-19T14:02:00.002-04:00

So I got my goodies for my biking friends and decided to head back to the office for my free lunch of a burger, beans, and potato salad. I've been eating pretty healthy these days and so it wasn't a bad treat.

I had to walk amongst the spectacle to get to the food. There was bad karoke to Carrie Underwood songs and I heard, "It's 5 o'clock Somewhere" being belted out. The dressed up Elvis, SpiderMan and Iron Man were just walking around--I'm not really sure what they were doing.

But I DO know there were four "tents" that had very long lines. I couldn't tell what people were in line for. And then I figured it out.

At my company picnic there were four tents with TAROT CARD READERS reading people's cards. Seriously. I kid you not.

Well, I came inside and downloaded some videos from La Blogotheque--it's this French filmmaker (hence the site being in French), Vincent Moon, and he films bands performing on the streets of Paris, in parks, in people's homes, on the subway, etc. He calls them Les Concerts a Emporter (The Take Away Shows). I love them and the whole concept. Today I downloaded Bon Iver's six videos, the ones from REM that were filmed in Athens, GA and they are pretty cool--I also watched some older videos from Jose Gonzalez, A Silver Mount Zion and Tralala Band, Okkervil River (love!), and rewatched the videos from Architecture in Helsinki.

Have a lovely afternoon, my friends.

From Stasi Eldredge in she and her husband's book Captivating:

I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it--something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.
...
Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us--whether from a driven culture or a driven church--is try harder.

So, my friends--here is my prayer for ourselves, the women around us, our friends and family and those men who love us: let us let the Lord work through what we feel to the core of ourselves. We were born this complicated mess of feelings and passions and we can't always figure out what's going on--but the heart of a woman is deep and is something to be treasured. We were made in the image of God and who am I to say my image is wrong? He created it for a reason, so let us revel in it!

anticlimactic

2008-06-19T11:32:00.002-04:00

the new CEO came. And went. I never saw him. I've worked here 3.5 years and have never been introduced to anyone "important." Oh well.

Today is the company picnic. There is a tent set up outside. I saw Iron Man and Spider Man entering the men's restroom. It'll be a spectacle, that's for sure.

And in quiet protest I'm leaving. I need to go shopping to send stuff to my bikers. They have arranged for packages to be held for them when they get to Brockway, Montana. I gotta send some love to my biking-across-the-US buddies!

But I've handed my camera over to a coworker to take pictures. Updates later!

in a moment of panic, there is clarity.

2008-06-19T09:06:00.002-04:00

So, I was about a centimeter away from making my blog private this morning.

Not that I'm ashamed of one letter I have written, not one word--for I'm being real, and honest, and exceptionally girly---but I realized just how OPEN my blog is, how anyone in the world can access it. And anyone includes PB's sister.

So, if you've figured out that you are indeed PB's sister, welcome to my blog.

I don't really know you very well, especially not since I've been an "adult." I know your husband quite well and I thank God for him. He's a true friend. He described himself to me as being an-older-but-not-your-parent-adult friend and he sure has kept his end of this friendship alive and well.

And I like your brother. There. I said it. From what I know of him he's a great guy, he's humble and talented and funny. I would like to get to know him better--if nothing else, then to make a great friend. So if you feel the need to discuss it with him, then by all means.

Hey, PB, if you're reading this, well, you're welcome too. I don't mean to write with such a passion as to scare people off...that's just who I am. I'm passionate and everything I do is big and I get caught up in things. It's what I do and it's fun. I used to apologize for being "too much," but as I've been learning through a lot of praying and reading lately--that's what makes me the woman I am. I am "too much." I have all of this passion for a reason, and I'm not going to tell God he's ill-equipped me and then not use what I've been given. So if you're freaked out by my voracity for life, then I guess you're not the one (the one, the one, the one) for me. And if you find it endearing, well, then, let's get this show on the road!

So there, now that I've got that off my chest, let's discuss what's going on at my day job today: we were called into a meeting on Monday where we were told our new CEO (age: 35) is coming down to our floor between 10:30 and 11:30 a.m. on Thursday (today). He's apparently going to be going around to ask us "what we do." Seriously. We were told what we could and could not wear (as today is our corporate picnic and such days are generally casual...but this year's poster said it's conservative casual, whatever that means) and we're not to be wearing any t-shirts, and if we're wearing shorts they have to come to our knees and must be hemmed properly and no flip-flops and our desk must be clean, but still have papers on it to look like we're busy and we have to have answers prepared just in case he asks us personally what we do. Umm, pardon me? I need to have a prepared statement explaining what I do? I think I know what I do without having to look at an index card.

Why do we have to pretend? Everything down here is not hunky-dorry. It's not. People are not happy, we can't tell our supervisors and managers anything in confidence, we get stepped on if someone else needs to advance and we often get thrown under the bus for someone else's glory. There are even tattle-tales about the dumbest of things. But it's a job and it's a job I'm good at. So I'm not leaving, I just don't want to have to pretend that it's a dream land. It's a corporate job. And I enjoy being employed.

Oh, and it was suggested that maybe I should wear some makeup today. Seriously. That phrase was uttered by someone higher up in the chain. I looked at the person and said, "That is so inappropriate I can't even comprehend. I think I'll just forget you said anything." She had the decency to blush and apologize and then leave the situation. And we left it at that.

But at least it's Thursday! Hip Hip Hooray!

Oh, and my friends Jen, Jonathan, and Carrie are biking across the country for charity (with their awesome van driver Autumn) and they have a blog with some pictures. If you have time, check it out and support them with your prayers and maybe a little cash.

I also have a friend named Greg. He plays drums at my church--but anyway, he's in the middle of a week-long ride across the north Georgia mountains. He's riding a bike with all his gear attached. It's a pretty amazing feat and journey he's on, and he's got a blog too.

So, enjoy. And I welcome all the readers that I don't know are there.

city stages music festival

2008-06-17T14:22:00.002-04:00

I have lots to say and it's long. Sit back and grab something to drink and let's go!

Well kids, I wrote a recap of my City Stages festival experience for Rebuilt Records and you can find it at the link above, or I'll copy/paste it here!

A little City Stages recap, courtesy of Anna Leary:

I met Jason and Jana at exit 61 on I-85, we handed off their lovely daughter to a waiting Gram and we headed to Birmingham. The drive wasn’t bad and the company was glorious. We hit quite a few sun-still-shining-brightly-yet-it’s-raining-harder-than-thought-possible storms, but Jason weathered them like a champ (pun obviously intended).

We arrived at the wonderful month-old home of our sole Rebuilt Lady (that’s what I’m calling her from now on), Natalie Moon and her goofy-and-loveable husband Seth. I’m still confused on the time zones, so I’m no sure what time we arrived—but Natalie welcomed us with open arms (I’ve only met her once, perhaps twice, yet we hugged like old friends. We’re MySpace friends, so that counts right?) and we all quickly fell into easy conversation. Regardless of us all being hungry, we were strangely entranced with one of the Terminator movies—I don’t know which one because I’ve never seen any of them before Friday night. This one had the morphing clean-cut cop in it, and S. Epatha Merkerson from Law and Order, and it was strangely good. We then went out to eat and saw a man walking down the street with an ice cream cart. But back to what you came here for: City Stages 2008!

We woke up to a storm Saturday morning and that is generally not what you want to hear when you know you’re spending the day at an outdoor music festival. It’s especially not what you want to hear when you have friends playing in said music festival. So we hit the snooze and when we woke up again it was sunny and bright! We got ourselves together and headed to downtown Birmingham.

Now, I’ll be honest, I expected a festival of Music Midtown (the now defunct huge music festival that was held in downtown Atlanta) proportions. I, however, was greeted with the fact that this is City Stages’ 20th year and things were a little less structured and a lot more laid back. We finally got in touch with the rock star that is Jon Black and through his frantic last-minute “I gotta get through this, I gotta get through this” mantra (Jon frequently channels Daniel Bedingfield lyrics when he’s getting ready for shows) we were able to meet his lovely wife Lauren near the artist entrance at the back of the main stage. Jason and Jana got their “Artist” passes and Natalie and I headed to the nearest gate to buy our tickets. This is an aside, but you generally expect the people that have Event Staff on their shirt to know things like: How do we get back to the Main Stage? With this stamp you just put on my hand will I be able to leave and then come back in? Where is the Merch tent? However, City Stages is so laid back, they don’t get worried and mired down in the details—but we were very generously handed a map. So Natalie and I headed in the direction we felt we should, went down a street that had no gate and eventually got into the festival through an open chain-link fence. We paid our admission fee, so we feel no shame for entering through an unauthorized portal. We were left with no choice. Surely you understand.

The afternoon was warming up and we finally found our way back to Jason, Jana, Lauren and Jon’s parents. Two p.m. is pretty early in non-camping music festival environments, but a crowd was steadily growing. The stage directly next to the Main Stage was apparently the “Death Metal And I Want To Kill My Dad” section of the festival and we got treated to some lovely and inspiring screams and sweet electric guitar shreds while Jon and the band set up. And even though there was some confusion on who was supposed to change out the name plate sign at the front of the stage announcing what band was currently playing, Jason took his Artist pass, went back stage and took care of some things, and the show began.

And, my friends, you may know the Jon Black that is a singer/songwriter with his acoustic guitar. I, however, got to witness Jon Black, Rock Star Extraordinaire. He looked the part (his signature hat, his beard, sunglasses, jeans, cowboy boots, and of course a plain gray t-shirt) and he sounded even better than he looked. Brad Lyons played a mean electric, while Jon’s regulars of Chesley Smith on bass and Robert Harris on drums kept the energy high. And this is the part where recap readers generally want a run-down of the set list and that’s where I will fail you. I have a horrible memory and I only took still photos. But Jason has it all captured on video and I’m sure he could help you out. Heck, Jon loves his fans—he could probably help out too. I do know he rocked with some new tunes (from his upcoming album Goodbye Golden Age being released Fall 2008 by Rebuilt Records and will be available on RebuiltStore.com says the shameless plug machine) and some of the shining moments there for me were "Mr. Tornado" and "Run With All You Got" (a true foot-stompin’, turn the volume all the way up, take another shot of whiskey and hoot and holler kind of tune). If you haven’t seen him live lately, you need to. End of story. His album October Sky is still terrific, but I think you’re really going to like the path he’s taken. It’s the kind of Southern rock your soul longs for.

The crowd certainly had grown to several hundred after Jon had been playing for a little while, and they especially got into it once he started playing Neil Young’s “Rockin’ In The Free World.” I saw dancing, I saw head banging, and I saw people capturing parts of his performance either with their camera or with their cell phones. It was nice to see him being appreciated as the great artist and performer we here at Rebuilt have always known he was destined to be. So, congrats on a great show Jon!

After his set, Jason, Jana, Natalie and myself got some lunch and wandered around until Landon Pigg played on the main stage. I realize I’m the only one of our group that had heard of him, but his sweet falsetto and syrupy sweet love songs won everyone over and we were glad to see that even though Landon had a later set time, the crowd at Jon’s show was bigger and more into it!

We then headed over to a side stage where we set up our picnic blanket and settled in for a night full of amazement. First we saw Griffin House, it started to rain, and we wondered what the rest of the evening held for us. But shortly it stopped raining and the stage was then set up for my friends and yours, The Guys With Guitars: Eliot Morris, Ryan Horne, and Rebuilt’s own Micah Dalton and Jon Black. They played a great set, and they had a really impressive crowd. Eliot had quite the high school girl fan base, there was a lot of dancing and jiggling going on and I think people really enjoyed themselves. I even saw people that I didn’t know singing along and that’s a nice feeling—that there are legions of people out there getting our boys’ music and seeking them out at a music festival.

Again I’m bad with remembering set lists, but the boys all played together a terrific cover of the Jayhawks’ “Save It For A Rainy Day” (which Jon has uploaded to YouTube). Ryan played two of my favorite songs of his, “Favorite Dance” and “War For Me” while Micah really got into his groove with the gritty (and I use that with the highest of praise) “The Autobiography of Milton Burroughs.” Jon brought on another new song, “Broken Places,” and the crowd was in a hushed awe. I know because I turned around to see why no one was talking and they were all just looking at the stage and I could tell they were into it. They complemented each other vocally and acoustic guitar-ally and I really think everyone had a great time. Let’s hope some new people got to experience these guys for the first time and either they headed to the Merch tent (if they could find it) or at least remembered their names and headed to Facebook, Virb, Myspace, Blogger, Rebuilt Records or wherever to hear and learn more.

I learned something this weekend: if I was not totally comfortable with the crowd and heat at City Stages in Birmingham, I certainly wouldn’t do well at Bonnaroo. We all decided that the only reason we’d be found at Bonnaroo is if one of our Rebuilt peeps made it there. So here’s to hoping our boys (and girl!) find their way to Bonnaroo and I’ll shave my head (ok, probably not) and grab my tent and be content to be muddy and hot and crammed for days just to support them! That’s how loyal I am, kids. I will be sweaty, muddy, and crazily crammed just for your art. I should get some kind of medal or something. At least a trophy. Maybe a cookie.

Someone make me some cookies.

And then the stage was set for Ingrid Michaelson. She’s a favorite of the youngest Rebuilt supporter, Molly Harwell, so I thought I’d at least give her a listen. She was good and I was intrigued. But then she played for an entire two hours and I quickly went from “Oh, I like this girl” to “Oh, I can’t really feel my legs,” and “Man, I sure am sweaty,” and “I wonder when she’ll stop playing so I can get up to find something to drink.”

Our group then split and some went to see Ben Harper and the Innocent Crimnals (which I hear was a pretty great set), some went to join the uber-crowd to see Al Green and I stayed put for Andrew Bird. There were some really terrific acts at City Stages this year and these are the people that I wished I could have seen: Blind Melon (I have this fascination on how the band can go on and release another album after Shannon Hoon’s death), Citizen Cope, Old Crow Medicine Show, Marc Broussard, Robert Earl Keen, Jon McLaughlin (whom Micah has some summer tour dates with! Check it out!), and of course: The Flaming Lips. I looked for some Flaming Lips footage on YouTube and since video cameras were outlawed, all I got was some kid telling me how great it was with confetti, light sticks and Wayne Coyne singing from inside a bubble.

But back to what I really did experience: I do love me some Mr. Bird and he was a perfect ending to a terrific day. I’m proud of Jon, Chesley, Bobbo, Brad, Elliot, Ryan, and Micah and what they’re doing musically and what they’re doing for Rebuilt and independent musicians.

Let us all do our part in continuing to tell everyone we know about these musicians we love and let’s be a part of making them known.

Thanks for letting me tag-along to Birmingham my dear Harwell’s and hopefully I’ll see you all around sometime soon.

--Anna, Rebuilt Records’ Team Mom and Obsessive Picture Taker—a Documentarian if you will (thanks goes to Jana for that one)

___________________________________________
I also used Jason's laptop after everyone went to bed when we got home from the concerts on Saturday. I used this time to write an email to Piano Boy. Here is that email (and I was totally exhausted when I wrote this--there are a lot of spelling errors and other typos, but I felt like the experience needed to be recorded right then and there):

So, I'm sitting here in my new friends' house. And it's 12:45 am central time, as we're in birmingham, but it's really 1:45 am in my head, but that's neither here nor there.

I'm at the house of the only girl on the label I work with, Natalie, and her husband Seth. They very lovingly opened their house to Jason (the guy that started the label and my friend from college), his wife, and I. And we just got back from a very full day at City Stages. Both of the sets my friends played in went very well and were very well received. It was certainly a hot and sweltering day out here...and it rained a little and then it was just sticky humid.........but I'm sure you know all about that as at least I was on asphalt and could escape if I needed to. I also had a pass around my neck that said Artist so that was nice (officially I'm listed as one of the guy's "tour manager" so I can get all-access to take photos, etc.

I write all of this not to flood your inbox with inane messages from myself--I mean, inane is my game, but right now this one is serious:

I just experienced a life-altering music sensation. I've been an Andrew Bird fan for years. I once saw him, early in my college years, playing over at The Echo Lounge in East Atlanta. I also saw him once as an opening act somewhere where I can't remember...but tonight I made an effort to make sure I got to see him play live. Our boys played in this in-the-round thing they entitled Guys With Guitars (original, I know) and they toured with it in the SE this spring and were invited to play as such at City Stages. Anyway, on that same stage immediately after them was Ingrid Michaelson. She was pretty good--I'm not the biggest fan of female singers (I don't know why, but it's like I literally hate Sheryl Crow. Vehemently in fact.), and Ingrid really was good...but she played for nearly two hours! What indie act plays for 2 hours? Anyway, after her, Andrew Bird got set up on stage. But bonus, I had already laid out our blanket hours beforehand knowing that he was playing last night. the crowd was split down the middle by baracades--one side was for standing and the other was for lawn chairs and blankets. We set out a blanket right up front. So while everyone was smushed in watching him play, I was gingerly reclining and relaxing watching him with no obstructions and I got some of the best photos I've ever gotten at a show.

I say all of this to say (it's late, bear with me): I had a spiritual experience listening to him tonight. He plays the violin, guitar, whistles, plays the glockenspiel, and loops it all with varying rhythms and it really is mindblowing. He'd be rushing from one side of his space to the other to make sure he got the right loop at the right time at the right tempo and everything. And it was one of those experiences where my mouth was open and I just stared in utter awe. And I distinctly felt God's hand upon me as I was sitting there listening to one of my favorite musicians play an amazing show and He whispered to me, "I do all of this and I do it for you." I got chills and there was a tear in my eye. God plays all of these instruments and creates these amazing orchestrations just to catch our attention and woo us. He does it because He loves us. And we sit there with our mouths agape at His wonder.

I hope your Bonnaroo experience was and is amazing. Have the time of your life, take a few pictures, and I can't wait to hear all about it.

{Insert silly details of my trip back and who all I need to see, etc. I promise, you're not missing anything.}

It's going to be a full weekend, but that's what I love.

Hope I didn't bore you...but I thought that you, being as musically inclined as you are, would certainly appreciate a God moment surrounded by music. It happens to me quite a lot, I must admit.

Have a terrific Sunday, have a terrific Bonnaroo, and I'll talk to you later.

--anna

Also, there are photos!

City Stages 2008

They don't have captions yet--but the first set is Jon Black on the Main Stage. Then Landon Pigg. I love Landon Pigg. Then Griffin House. Then Guys with Guitars. Then Ingrid Michaelson and then my favorite of all (other than my Rebuilt boys and girl, of course) Andrew Bird.

Enjoy!

oh retail...

2008-06-12T11:48:00.002-04:00

I'm currently blogging from the inside of my local lovely Apple store.

I have to buy a new iPod. Gotta love living in a huge city that allows me to be able to access like 5 apple stores on my lunch break.

So, I think I'm getting the 160 GB one. Might as well. My iTunes library can only go up from here. And my iTunes credit card is paid off...might as well get some iTunes points, right?

So friends, enjoy your lunch breaks and thoughts of sesame seed oil shots...I'll need all afternoon just to upload all my crap on a new 'pod.

Remember, they're all dogs

2008-06-12T10:15:00.002-04:00

I just got an email from my friend Lori, who works with Piano Boy weekly, and I told her of my growing fondness.

This is her response:

That’s quite a back story. I work with the guy every week putting this service together and I had no idea all the details of his performing schedule, etc. I’m thrilled that the 2 of you are growing closer…and I’ll pray for your discernment so you don’t wake up one morning and decide “what happened….he’s turned out to be just another guy”. I love him, but remember….they’re all dogs. (My preacher told me that!)

Looking forward to reading chapter 2 J!!!!

Love you,

Lori

I can totally hear our preacher saying that too! Ha!

I, of course, do not subscribe to the "they're all dogs" doctrine and I'm supposed to be this pristine alabaster ceramic figure that will save his dog-like soul...but it is funny none the less.

widespread panic, really?

2008-06-12T08:51:00.002-04:00

So, my friend Kevin left today (I'm assuming it is today) to head to Bonnaroo. Now, he's not like Paulo who's just going up for one night (the Pearl Jam and Metallica night, obviously--more on this in a moment).

Kevin is headed to Bonnaroo to play with some serious acts. Not little-de-dittle local bands. He's about to play piano/keyboards/organ for Derek Trucks (blues guitar prodigy, the nephew of Butch Trucks--the drummer and co-founder of the Allman Brothers Band. Being two years older than me, he has already been ranked #81 in Rolling Stones' 100 Greatest Guitarists of All Time. That's no small feat. He's touring with Santana now. Also in Feb. 2008 he was on the cover of Rolling Stone (with John Mayer--GROSS) as a New Guitar God. Anyway, I'm not trying to be this guy's PR lady--I'm just trying to shed some light on what a serious gig this is for Kevin. Thanks Wikipedia.)

Oh, the second act he's playing with is this little-known band out of Athens, GA. You may have never heard of them, their name is Widespread Panic. No seriously. Widespread Panic. Kevin is about to play with Widespread Panic at one of the biggest music festivals that jam bands could dream of. Wow. I haven't known Kevin long, but I am seriously proud of him. I'm proud of him for being a musician that these people want to play with them when they tour.

Oh, and did I mention he loves Jesus? Just a sidenote.

My whole point of this blog is this: I decided this morning (before I dropped my iPod in a glass of water...I'm trying to see if it'll dry out right now) that in my head I hate Widespread Panic. In my head I hate jam bands. But I don't really know their music. So I hopped on over to the Widespread website this morning, I launched the music player, and listened to the 8-minute track they have posted. And it doesn't suck. Am I going to go buy their albums? Probably not. But I will give them a little more credit. They are indeed amazing musicians...I just feel like since I don't drink and I don't smoke pot (or even grow it for that matter) I'm not getting the full experience. Any band that has to put this on their website:

The sale of nitrous oxide is strictly prohibited. N2O cuts off the flow of oxygen to your brain. Countless medical emergencies occur from it, including death. If you purchase N2O you are likely supporting people who care nothing about the Panic community. While state to state the laws covering Nitrous Oxide vary, there are clear mandates by the Food & Drug Administration under the Health & Cosmetics act that address distribution and they will be enforced on our tours.

Is maybe not the best band for me. But I'll give them a shot. And they've been around for as long as I've been alive, they must be doing something right.

My iPod is officially dead. I'm trying to get it to dry out because my friend who works for Apple said if it dries out I might be able to get a new one as mine is still under warranty. This is not looking likely--so I guess I'm going to have to go buy a new one! My iPod has become an essential part of my life--and just like you'd get your car fixed if it broke down, I must get a new music-making device. And that's just the truth.

So, Paulo. Paulo told me last night that he's headed to Bonnaroo for just one night (Saturday) so he can see Pearl Jam. I was thinking he was a huge Pearl Jam fan because it'll take some serious dedication to get to Manchester, TN from Atlanta and then just getting into the muddy, tent-covered fields of the festival site is going to be a challenge. He then said he's not even that big a fan of Pearl Jam. He just really likes Eddie Vedder's work on the Into the Wild soundtrack. I am not even kidding. He's trekking all the way out of town just hoping that Vedder will play one single solitary song that was in a movie soundtrack. Good luck with that Paulo.

Paulo had me proofread some notes he had written last night. They were GHASTLY. I really do think he's dyslexic. Lots of inverted letters and use of the word "then" when he means "than" and other such craziness. He even admitted that he's so bad at writing that he hopes that maybe he can get through the next promotion (he'd be a First Mate...sounds exciting, doesn't it?) without anyone noticing. Poor guy. That's got to be a terrible burden to know that you have so many thoughts in your head and you can state them--but the moment you have to write them (or in this case type them in COMIC SANS, I kid you not. I gagged several times.) everything just gets garbled up. I tried to be positive and not dwell on how bad it was. He really is a nice guy and I truly do want to be a friend he can count on. Oh! I meant to write this yesterday: Paulo, on Tuesday night, was wearing elastic-waisted pants. I kid you not. The kind of khaki shorts that old men that play shuffleboard would wear. I just glimpsed it and I told my friend Maggie (my 2nd mom at work) and she didn't believe me so as he was reaching for something a little later she got right behind him, bent over, and peered up his shirt at his waistband! She's a small lady, so she wasn't that obvious, but I burst out laughing (migraine or not, that was funny). She declared, "I've consulted Snopes.com and they have confirmed it!" Then the rest of the night was laughter on K-Mart and Blue Light Specials (as we can imagine you would find such pants at such retailers such as K-Mart).

Ugh, since I'll be out of work tomorrow (here we come Birmingham and the lesser-known music festival this weekend, City Stages, and our boys Jon and Micah that are playing!), I should get the stack of work on my desk done.

There might be a new blog coming soon...it'll be all about me and my quest to lose 120 pounds in 16 months. More later!

high school

2008-06-11T09:13:00.002-04:00

What is it that is so formative about high school? Seriously. I'm 26 now. I have a college degree, a nice life, a promising future, amazing friends...and yet when I went through Facebook this morning looking at profiles of all the people I graduated high school with I felt like I was back to being on the fringe of being cool and the "cool" people still intimidate me.

Weird. It's not that I was friends with those people then and I don't want to be now...but still, it's an odd feeling.

What's not an odd feeling, however, is that Bon Jovi's Runaway just came on my iTunes. I love the shuffle feature, you just never know what you're going to get.

So I worked with Paulo last night and I had this migraine (could be that I've been trying to, oh, I don't know, be a tad bit healthier and one such change is no more diet coke...until you have a headache that turns into a migraine for 5+ hours...then you chug a coke zero like it's your JOB) and my eyes were all swollen from summer allergies (fun!). So, I know I looked like I was high as a kite when I entered the building and later he asked if I had had a little too much fun on Monday night and I just stared at him, my head cocked to the side, and before I could answer he responded, "Oh yeah. You have another job. You're responsible." Ha. I thought that was funny. And I reminded him that I don't drink anymore (who knew, right?) and he said he probably shouldn't either...then he stood behind me and started massaging my head hoping my headache would go away! How cute.

I found out last night that he doesn't have cable. That strikes me as odd knowing him like I do. (That last phrase sounded pompous...I'm just saying that he seems like the kind of guy that enjoys a beer and some ESPN.) Anyway, apparently he doesn't have cable because "I want to get out there and make friends" cause that's so easy when you work crazy hours and at LEAST 50 hours a week...but I soon found the real reason, as he even admitted, he's cheap. Ugh. He makes DOUBLE what I make in a year and I'm working two full-time jobs...and yet he's too cheap for cable. Wow. I can understand people that don't have cable because they're being frugal or are on a budget. I can understand people that don't have cable because they really just don't like television. But not to have cable when you make close to 6 figures just because you're cheap is another story all together. I, of course, am not making light of the damaging effects and the tragedy that is divorce, but seriously--I wouldn't want to be married to a man that makes as much as he does, who never takes vacation time, who is never home, and yet still doesn't want to pay for cable. Ridiculous. What's she supposed to do while he's always at work? I guess she could paint. Or knit. Or grow hydroponic pot.

Oooh, it's 938 am already. Wow. Maybe today will go ok.

lumberjack musician, part 2.

2008-06-10T16:59:00.002-04:00

He posted this as his new photo today.

I mean, "Love, _____" emails aside (I didn't hear anything back today by the way), this John Pringle is just adorable.

And he's nice. Maybe I'll go Rock Stalk him soon.

might I go ahead and say:

2008-06-09T15:02:00.002-04:00

boys that sign their emails "Love, _____" need to be careful.

They're just asking for my affection at that point.

Work is crazy busy so I don't have much time---so I just thought I'd write that I feel really good in the holding pattern the Lord has placed upon me. TJ's is going well, church is going really well, and I got a chance to have a really long phone conversation with my dear friend Jason last week and that has done my soul a whole lotta good.

Oh, and Jason and his lovely wife Jana and I are headed to City Stages (a music festival) in Birmingham this upcoming weekend. Rebuilt labelmates Jon Black and Micah Dalton are both playing and we're going to be there to support.

This is a big deal, so well done fellas and I also can't wait to get to see Andrew Bird out of the deal! I just love him.

Two things

2008-06-05T12:28:00.006-04:00

Ok, so first off: Paulo was in a grumpy mood last night--but I guess it's understandable; he came straight from the airport to work. We got a chance to chat and all...but as predicted, my love* for him has waned considerably. I'm sorry for those that have grown attached to Paulo. There will be someone new, I'm sure. There's always Piano Boy (whom I could actually get excited about) and then you never know who God might throw into the mix.

And secondly, one of the online dating sites I use allows you to see who's viewed your profile. And I just had to take a screenshot of the latest guy to view my profile. Wow. I won't click on his link so I can read the whole thing b/c then it'll show up on his end that I've viewed HIS profile and I don't want to encourage him. Oh, note to online daters: Post a photo. I don't care if you're hideous or not, it's better that I know up front.

He's 55. I'm 26. And he enjoys quite dinners. I'm not quite in any sense of the word. He enjoys soft music. Like what? Christopher Cross and other Dentist Office Rock? And apparently for a 55-year-old faceless bachelor he has lots of private dates at his house where he cooks. Ummm, no thanks. Eww and gross. I'm sure he's a quite (or is that quiet now?) a nice guy and all that, but, umm, I try not to date people 30 years my senior and who want to lure me into their private domain to cook for me. Creeeepppppyyyyyy.

Stupid online dating.

*Love, lust, tomato, tomahto.

I get it, OK?

2008-06-04T10:49:00.002-04:00

I get it. Men need respect. I get it. Their ego and pride are on the line all the time. I get it.

I do NOT get, however, why I can't simply DO MY JOB and ask someone to DO THEIRS without their panties getting into a wad! Good Lord!

Someone did something incorrectly this morning. I had to fix it and take it back to them. Instead of a thank you or an I'm sorry for royally screwing that up--I got a defensive, "Well, it shouldn't have taken THAT long to fix it." No, you're right, your screw up was an easy fix. However, I've had to alter this one document NINE times in 24 hours because each time you make a small mistake. Grrr.

Maybe I should send HIM an email that only says: GRRRRRRRRRRR.

It's only 1052 am. We're in trouble.

it's going to be one of THOSE days I see

2008-06-04T09:40:00.002-04:00

1. I almost committed vehicular homicide this morning. Three quite overweight (like, way bigger than me--yeah, I know) African American ladies decided to waddle their way across a 4-lane highway this morning where the speed limit is 55 and it's full of morning traffic. No seriously. I don't care where you come from ladies or that you're going to be late for work, but there is CLEARLY no median on the road and you had to cross through a gully of grass as the median. So don't look at me like I just raped your mother when I honk like crazy as I have to swerve in front of other traffic and go into the opposite gully just to avoid hitting you. I appreciate that the bus stop is on the opposite side of the road from where you need to be. However, crossing the highway is NOT the answer, you loons.

2. As I was exiting my car already frazzled at my almost-murders this morning I dropped my Diet Coke and got it all over my cream-colored pants. And since I cleaned out my car this weekend because I knew Missy would be riding with me, I had nothing to sop it all up with except for my work shirt that I had for tonight. Now I have to go back home at some point today to get another shirt.

3. My cohort in crime here at work got transfered--as in he and I are still working together, but he had to move desks. And now he and I have different supervisors. How that's going to work, I just don't know. But he (and since I share his email address, I did as well) got an email this morning where our client totally GROWLED at us. GROWLED. From her corporate email address. The woman wants am/pm added to her office hours. That's against our corporate formats. He told her that. And she responded with an email that just said "GRRRRRRRRRR." Awesome. This is also the lady that shrieked at him over the phone that the office hours were wrong. Sorry, as she wrote in her email they are WRONG. Yet, he scanned HER handwritten paper that had given us the apparently WRONG office hours on, she backed down. What is it with this company that makes them rude and feel like the are superior to everyone they encounter?

4. I have a friend (if you're reading this, well, I'm sorry, this is how I feel) that's dating someone she swore was horrible for her, he doesn't share her same beliefs, he treats her rather poorly, and the last time she and I really got to talk about this (sadly, this was at new year's) we examined how damaging this relationship was and how she was much better to be out of it. I found out they were dating again via Facebook (as I've found out about many life-changing things in the lives on my friends). I messaged her and I just feel bad. She's a GORGEOUS girl. Like, seriously. HOT model type, you know? And yet, her self worth is in the ground. She'd rather be in a relationship that isn't amazing just so she isn't alone. And that makes me so sad...because I love her so very much and I want the absolute best for her!

Today just needs to be a day of persistent prayers.

Paulo is back from his vacation today. I work with him tonight. I don't know how I feel about that. He really put me into a bind while he was gone. Grace and forgiveness, Anna. Grace and forgiveness. I don't know if he'll realize it as grace and forgiveness. I think he'll just realize it as him not having to answer to his failed responsibilities. But his bosses know of his dropped balls (ha!) and so I guess it's not my place to harp on him about them regardless. Oh, I found out last night from another full timer that he was indeed married and is now divorced. Paulo apparently never takes time off work. He's accumulated $13,000 worth of AR (absence reserve--you get a certainly percentage of hours worked toward paid time off each pay period). I know how much Paulo roughly makes in a year and through some calculations that means he could take near 7 weeks off fully paid. Wow. As Paulo said to this other guy, "No wonder I got divorced." Yeah. Girls don't like boys that are never home. And work super crazy weird hours and don't have holidays off.

Happy birthday Jen!

Happy anniversary Bep and Chad!

no seriously

2008-06-03T11:34:00.003-04:00

Why can't John Pringle just go ahead and love Jesus, pray for a wife, and then he'd propose to me? He totally lives nearby. He gives me hugs (not drugs) when we see each other out.

Seriously now. He's a lumberjack musician. I can't help myself.

He's wearing a Gemma Hayes t-shirt. I hung out with her while I was in Ireland. She's terrific. He's terrific.

Hrrrrmmmmmmmpppphhh.

ponders and panders

2008-06-03T10:29:00.003-04:00

I guess I have a lot I want to say but don't necessarily have it all lumped together. I think bullets are the best way to go today:

I got an email Friday afternoon from my dear friend Jason saying that he and I needed to talk. I knew what he wanted to talk about and I was all kinds of trepidatious like I was being sent to the principal's office. So I sent out an email asking for people (you know, YOU people) to pray because I feel like I'm on the cusp of something life changing and I just wanted you to pray for me hearing God's voice. Well, I got called into work on Friday night (which is cool...me flexing more of my You Can Have Confidence In Me muscles) and I didn't get a chance to call him. Then Saturday was Susan and Mathew's wedding and then I played hostess with the mostess for one of the bridesmaids Saturday afternoon (we went to the World of Coke--so touristy and cheesy and yummy and carbonated. It was terrific!) and then Sunday morning. So, I didn't get a chance to call Jason and we will all know why as I move to bullet #2.
I went to church Sunday night and heard a sermon where my pastor literally was making eye contact with me 85% of the time. He apologized for it afterward, but I appreciated it. His message was based out of Luke 18: The parable of the persistent widow:

Luke 18
The Parable of the Persistent Widow
1Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. 2He said: "In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared about men. 3And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, 'Grant me justice against my adversary.'
4"For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, 'Even though I don't fear God or care about men, 5yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won't eventually wear me out with her coming!' "
6And the Lord said, "Listen to what the unjust judge says. 7And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? 8I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?"

Right. So, I ended up talking to Jason for well over an hour yesterday and this is what I told him: I don't want to be a nag. I don't do it in real life and I certainly don't do it in my prayer life. I pray for something once or twice or every once and a while and I don't want to "bother" God again. Well, my mind has been changed. As Jimmy (my pastor) stated: Persistent prayer changes things. It couldn't be MUCH clearer: "Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up." Not all of the parables have a key to tell us exactly what Jesus means. This one, however, he steps up to the plate and tells us exactly what he means. We are to always pray persistently and never give up. So, to answer all the career related questions: I've been give the red light. And that's not bad. It's a red light telling me to wait. I know things are in the works and I just need to pray persistently, never giving up and my request will be answered in His right time and His right way. Rebuilt is going to great places and I just need to wait. TJ's is going to great places and I just need to wait. So for right now I'm continuing in my holding pattern. God is good (all the time) and all the time (God is good).

So, we're all honest friends here: I want to be married. It's true. Not to just anyone. I want to marry a Voddie-approved man (if you don't know Voddie, you let me know right this instant and I'll put the CDs of the sermon that changed my life in the mail right now!). I want a man that fits all of the requirements of a Godly husband and I'm not willing to compromise (hence me politely declining the "ride" I was offered at the gas station the other night...gross!). So I've decided to persistently pray about that too. And so I got this match this morning on one of my online dating sites. His name is Tim. He lives about 10 miles from me. He's 31. He's 5'9" (an inch taller than me). He drinks socially (I used to and may again). He doesn't smoke (gross, me either). He's got a post graduate education. He's self employed and his occupation is listed as Artistic/Musical/Writer. He likes voluptuous women (see Bep, I knew I'd find a Squishy admirer!). Never married. Doesn't have kids. Lives alone. He's a Christian and goes to church more than once a week. He likes the things I like. And here's the kicker of them all where I here God saying, "Finally. You've got the idea. Ask and you shall receive. But you've got to really ASK." Here's what he's written about himself:

Hi, my name is Tim, and I am looking for a wife.I am looking for marriage, not just a date. I can't wait to share my heart, my love, with my wife. To express to her my love and affection--to her and her alone. I am searching for a woman who belongs firstly to Jesus. I’m looking for someone who is committed and sold out to Christ and who understands that she can love Him only because He loved us first, who truly believes that her salvation is dependent completely on what Christ did on the cross, and that the grace to live a life pleasing to Him can happen only through His power. I’m looking for someone who has a truly Biblical worldview, and a solid understanding of the Gospel and grace. When you are deeply in touch and in love with Christ, you can deeply love and be in tune with your mate because God's love is flowing through you.

I am looking for a woman who wants to be attentive to the Holy Spirit in her life, who sees walking with God as a lot like dancing, where we need to trust that we will feel His gentle lead if we just remain in His arms and look to His face. I’m looking for someone who would go together with me into the Lord’s presence every night in prayer. I’m looking for someone who draws her strength from the Lord. I look forward to a relationship that is focused on God.

Now, I'm not saying he's The One (the one, the one, the one)...I'm just saying that God speaks, friends! He says, "You ask and I provide what you need. I will reveal myself to you when you are ready." There are some of you out there that could totally be freaked out by his online profile and I get that. But I'm not. I admire his honesty because I also am not looking for games or hookups. I'm serious (for once) and God just makes me smile sometimes.

Paulo is in the doghouse. He going to have some major kissing up to do once he gets back from his vacation (tomorrow). He left three things undone that he said he was going to take care of (I don't like it when boys break their word) and so I had to deal with the fall-out of each of them. He's only been gone since Saturday--but things in the grocery business go really quickly and one day makes a huge difference. Oh, and apparently he's super touchy about his bad handwriting. And I understand that. I do not, however, understand why he gets super touchy when I'm just being honest and telling him I can't read what he's written. Maybe this vacation was good for him. And he found Jesus. And is ready to sweep me off my feet. We'll see. Anything's possible, right?

Piano Boy was at church Sunday. And he played Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus whilst singing for the offertory. It was gorgeous. I love that song! I came into the sanctuary after he was already on stage b/c I was running a little bit behind. But afterward he came right over and gave me a big hug and was quite effusive with how glad he was to see me and I was all aflutter. We had dessert after the service and then we were talking outside (a group of us) and I casually asked if he got my email. He said yes, but he's a horrible corresponder. A group from church usually goes out after church (to a bar, DUH!) and I got invited to go--so I decided to. He had to bail that night, but you could tell he was reluctant to go home when he knew I was going to their hangout spot too...but he promised "Definitely next week." So I wrote him another email yesterday entitled: "Well now that I know you don't write back...I won't feel so bad." And I just said that, well, here's the whole thing:

Anyway, we missed you last week and it was lovely to see you again last night!

And thanks for playing Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus...it's one of my favorites.

I think everything gelled last night and I agree with Greg--it feels like we're a family. A wonderful and warm family.

Oh, and you were totally missed at the [the bar]. No seriously, it was a little bit ridiculous. One of Adam's friends had just gotten into a bar fight when we got there and so I (being the caretaker I am) got my first aid kit out of the car and Melissa had to try to help him with this huge gash (caused by a boot no less) on his forehead. Anyway, it was an interesting time of bar fights and Mitch trying to convince me of some interesting theology and it would have been nice to have you there too.

Well, our servers have been down all morning but they're back up now, so I guess I should get some work done. Silly corporate job...

Have a wonderful Monday and I'll catch you next week I suppose.

Peace, Anna

His response:

It's not that I don't write back, it's just that I'm a tad forgetgul, sometimes. Great to see you as well. I agree, there is something really cool going on at that church. I can't remember being as comfortable in my own skin as I am down there amonst such caring and loving folks such as yourself.

Shame I missed the craziness, that sounds like it was kind of fun in a weird sort of way. It would have been awesome it if broke out into a straight up western saloon brawl, with beards and hats and chairs hitting people over the backs and bottles breaking and stuff. It' s crazy to me that we are all down at A1, in this loving warm environment, and within minutes, we can be in a place where it's every man/woman for him/herself. Anywho, glad you could be of assistance.

Hope your monday has been fantastic so far, and I will look forward to seeing you soon.

Cheers!!!
[Piano Boy]

Points I like: he says Cheers, which is fun. He said Anywho and that makes me laugh. He thinks I'm caring and loving (that leads to loving the fact that I'm "squishy" right?). He wants to see me soon. And he likes to exaggerate--the part about the saloon brawl made me laugh out loud. If you don't know how I like to spin a yarn, go back to the letter I wrote Paulo about him killing his girlfriend and wearing her skin around the house.

I think that's all I have to say right now. Oh, and I'm totally praying for Kate to be pregnant (only nine more days until we can know!) and for Jen, Jonathan, and Carrie that are biking across the US for charity and their driver Autumn, and for the team selection meeting I'm having for my Chrysalis weekend this Thursday night. And I'm praying for my friend Greg that has hurt the people he loves the most and he's just looking for some forgiveness. And I'm praying for Rebuilt and Small House and what the future looks like and where I am in that picture.

OH! I almost forgot: Apparently the man I loved for six years and who is getting married in less than a month to someone other than myself (praise the Lord! He is indeed good!) assumed I'd be staying at his place for a couple of days before the wedding with the rest of "the guys". Wow. The rest of the guys. I guess some things just never change.

handwriting and hula hooping...

2008-05-30T10:11:00.003-04:00

Ok, so, I finally have proof of how bad Paulo's handwriting is. He wrote me a note last night because I needed to call a lady and give her an update on something.

Here is the writing of a 31-year-old male that has two finance degrees:

And LR (Loyal Reader) sent me this link earlier today. It's brilliant.

Absolutely brilliant. The music. The hair. The costumes. The hula hoops. Terrific. I love me some Hero. Bep, do you remember our good Hero memories?

honesty

2008-05-28T10:52:00.003-04:00

As you know, I crave honesty, warts and all.

This is a pretty new thing for me--I know, you may be surprised, but I used to be quite reserved about things that just shouldn't be talked about. I still am. I was at church a couple of weeks ago and was in a circle of people and they were talking about a church employee and how he's always so cranky and they all got a good laugh likening his moodiness to women's menstrual cycles. I didn't laugh. I barely smiled. I don't enjoy those jokes. I find them crass. Sue me.

However, I do enjoy people being honest about their real feelings about their real everyday goings on. My friend Kate has been gracious enough to let me read her invitation-only blog and she writes about the struggle of trying to have a baby while her husband's deployed and she's living back with her parents again.

I support a group called XXX Church. Yeah, their tagline: #1 Christian Porn Site. They are Christians being real and helping people with porn addictions and helping them be accountable. They don't cast stones or judgments, they just provide hope for people that are slowly being devoured and destroyed. I watched a video of theirs yesterday about a guy finally coming to terms with his addiction and he burned all his porn. That's courage. That's honesty. Also honest: I totally find the guy introducing the video adorable and attractive. He's got baggage? Sure. Me too.

And then a former coworker turned blogger extraordinaire wrote something this morning (in a totally different arena from infertility and porn) that made me appreciate him even more and laugh out loud all at the same time. Let's be real, people, and take the shiny coating off things. Let's tell people what's really going on and I think we'll find a lot less shame in this world, a whole lot more compassion, and people bringing what is in the dark out into the Light and finding peace and redemption.

Here is his blog (copied totally without his permission):
One of many title options, #1 Creepy Old Fart, #2 Sick and Illegal, #3 Shouldn’t Even Think About It…
…let alone WRITE about it. But this is my blog and what the hell?

When did I go from being the young, healthy buck with a “drive” (that’s what I’m using to describe me as a horny kid back in the day) to creepy old bastard that is trying not to stare at the 17 year old babysitter, let alone clear my head of the thoughts that can only get me in trouble.

Why am I even writing about this?

I don’t know where the age break is when I started to say…”SHE is 17? She looks 27!” That’s what I’d be telling the officer. I never used to say that line. I never thought twice about age. I just thought…”hot!” no matter her age…17 or 35. At some point I started marvelling at their age.

I guess it’s just me getting older, being married, having a kid and then my wife tutoring kids that often don’t look like kids.

I know I COULD write more on this topic, but the authorities will probably show up at the door. Instead the thoughts stay locked away in the dark chamber that is my twisted head.

I should delete this.

And here's my comment:
hey, it’s ok–I find myself being wildly attracted to a newly 18-year-old at my second job. seriously. high school senior.

I generally just have to walk away and shake my head at myself.

and it’s the hormones in the milk, I tell ya…makes these kids look 30 before they hit 18! ;)

I had a dream...

2008-05-28T09:15:00.003-04:00

...that I left less-than-appropriate voicemails on Paulo's phone until I filled his inbox.

I woke up a little spooked, so I superstitiously checked my phone to just make sure nothing funny had happened.

And no, I didn't make any outgoing calls while I was asleep...but I promise you this: Paulo's phone number is totally in my phone now. I am not even kidding.

His full name and a number are there.

I'm totally creeped out.

too much to ask?

2008-05-27T12:40:00.003-04:00

As always, I have more things I'd like to write about, but this just happens to be the shortest thing on my mind:

I have a question. I'm actually asking here...no sarcasm/rhetorical question present:
Am I asking too much or expecting too much for me to want the possible beaus who email me to use correct grammar and spelling? I try not to pass judgment, I really do--but I just can't seem to get over it. No matter how cute he is (as we all judge THAT book by the cover) I can't seem to get excited about him because of the way he writes. Example 1: a guy's profile online. He's cute, but this is his "intro" paragraph. I can't get past the weather/whether debacle, or using "to" instead of "too." Oh, and his intellectual comment was the total and final turn off.

I am moving back to Atlanta this July to attend grad school. I lived in Atlanta until five years ago when I moved to Savannah where I currently live. I love living here near the ocean. Going swimming, fishing, lying out under the sun, or just walking down the beach are all things I love to do. That said I couldn’t turn down the opportunity to go to grad school. It is one of those goals I have for myself. Fortunately, I do like Atlanta, other than the traffic that is.
As for me, my passion is art and has been for a long time. I can be blunt at times, perhaps a bit to honest, and I definitely have a sarcastic sense of humor. I enjoy the outdoors weather it be the beach or the mountains. I enjoy traveling and have been to a few places in Europe, but there is so much more that I want to see. I am not much for the stereotypical bar scene. I do enjoy going out with friends and shooting some pool.
As for what I am looking for in a woman, it is fairly simple. Intelligence, because I want her to be as smart as I am (I am smart, but no brain surgeon), a good conversationalist, and a great sense of humor (hopefully you can take the sarcastic comments and give as good as you get). If you want to know more, just email me.

Ugh. And I know it's not fair--but seriously, "I am smart" doesn't really get reflected through your grammar woes, I'll tell you that much.

I think about Paulo and his abysmal handwriting, his spelling and grammar probably aren't up to my holier-than-thou standards, but he's a totally nice and great guy (more on working with him last night until like 1:30 am later...probably tomorrow--too much work to do today!) and he doesn't deserve to be judged on his handwriting alone.

I won't give the afore-quoted guy a chance because the tone of the thing is really where I'm turned off. I don't like his vibe. The search continues, I suppose.

you're better than that

2008-05-22T14:58:00.003-04:00

I'm not really in an epic mood this afternoon, but there are a couple of things I would like to share.

There is this one fellow crew member at TJ's that seemingly hates me. And I'm not really sure why. I mean, there are people all over that probably hate me, but I can generally pinpoint why (I say things that are hurtful and worth hating, that's for sure). This guy, though, I don't know. I know he has a problem with women in authority (not that I exactly am, I'm just training...maybe that's the problem), and he especially doesn't like white women. He's from a very traditional country and I get that and I really do try to respect it. In the same vein, though, we're in the US where women are allowed to hold whatever position they see fit and can accomplish any job they so choose.

So, I've had a few run-ins with him and they tear my stomach up. I HATE confrontation. I will defuse any situation...but get me really hopping mad and then I get emotional, then I lash out--verbally of course. Well, I told one of the higher ups (the guy right below our store's captain) and he suggested that I start to document any incidences between me and this other employee. So I did and the captain and I spoke of it--and this guy can totally be nice and charming, it just seems like I bring out the worst in him, so my captain was totally supportive, but she admitted she's never seen that side of him. But she concluded before I did, aloud at least, that that's probably because she's the boss and controls whether or not he stays employed.

Anyway, back to the point. I was in the office last night with Paulo and he was talking to another full timer as she just got back in town and needed to be updated on some things. So, the offending employee (OE) came to the saloon doors of the office and was waiting. I had keys and I could get him his register drawer if he needed it, so I offered him his drawer. He responded with, "I'm here to talk to him." Fine. Paulo ended his conversation and helped out OE. I was just so pissed that I had to start out the night with that kind of comment (I could have helped him with what he needed, but he wanted to take yet another chance to put me in my place) that I just shut down. When I get super pissed, I become eerily quiet. That's my mother in me. I respond to questions in short, clipped, hushed tones and they are generally monosyllabic, "Fine," "Ok," or my favorite: "I don't actually care." I say all of these in a very no-eye-contact, reserved sort of way. I have my battle walls up and am ready for attack. OE walked away and Paulo asked me a question about something silly (probably about the cookie that some old man made me and brought in on a paper plate with plastic wrap over it and my name written in black marker on the wrap and Paulo ate my cookie! But, feeling bad, he replaced it with a not-so-homemade cookie that we sell in the store, but I digress) and I just looked down at my notebook and didn't respond. My second mother Maggie walked in and she spoke to us, I didn't respond, so Paulo nudged me and was like, "Let's ignore her together," loud enough for her to hear. She walked away and he was like, "Hey, what's wrong? I noticed the total mood shift." Now, let me say here: I have a lot of male friends. I've had more than one love interest, and not many are really that plugged in to changes in the female mood and if they do notice, they don't know how to respond.

Ok, so he said, "What's up with you and OE?" I said, strained voice, "I don't know. I've never done anything to him and yet he's just so rude. It makes it hard for me to do my job." He asked what has happened (our captain had given him a heads up seeing that as he's the third in command at our store) and that's when I just got snotty--"Like the other night when I asked him to open up register 5 and he responded with F- that. And then later I had to ask him to help close up the front end of the store and he acted like he didn't hear me. And then a couple of weeks ago he was in the front office with another coworker (she happens to be young, good looking, not in a position of any authority, and his same ethnicity) and I asked if he needed anything--as he shouldn't be hanging out in the office--but of course I didn't say that, and he responded, "I wasn't talking to you." He's just so rude and I'm tired of being the only one that gives a damn and says anything. I just hate (cue me walking away) that he gets to be an asshole and no one cares."

Paulo responded, "You're better than that."

And I muttered, "I know." So I continued where I was heading and thought about it. Paulo's totally right, I am better than that. I'm better than whining and complaining and calling someone names and getting nasty. Yes, I was right to tell the people that needed to know what was going on. But I need to trust them to do their jobs too, and they have rules and things they have to follow for this sort of thing. And I'm better than this. I've been taught to turn the other cheek and just continue to be Christ's example regardless of what I think of the other person. And temper tantrums are not attractive, they aren't professional, and they aren't effective either. And they certainly aren't the greatest quality this company would be looking for in a future manager. So I put on my Fake It Till You Make It smile (I wore that one many a' time during evening activities during camp) and then later on I apologized to Paulo. I apologized for losing my cool and he grabbed my hand and said in all seriousness, "If that's you losing your cool, then you don't have anything to worry about in life." So that was nice to hear. It's just nice to be around people that believe in me (especially really cute hunky ones! Oh, I found out: He's Czech. So, if you were wanting a better mental picture of complexion/nose composition, there ya go.) He was very supportive and was pretty much telling me to shake it off, and again: I'm better than letting some chauvinistic jerk get to me.

I have a job to do and I'm going to do it. And as the other full-timer of the night (who has also been uber supportive as of late) said on the same subject, "You're here to do a job and you're doing a good one. It's not your job to make sure everyone likes you. It's your job to complete your tasks, do them well, and make sure the customer gets the best experience possible. If one little person doesn't like you, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Sure, don't treat him poorly. But just realize that there's only so much you can do, you can't be friends with everyone, and move on."

I really feel like I've carved myself into a niche there at TJ's and I feel almost invaluable. That's a nice feeling. It's a nice feeling to know that I can keep that job and enjoy it while pursuing other interests. It's a nice feeling to know that I'm pretty good at this job.

Enough about all of that.

I just got a very important email pertaining to my Chrysalis weekend...so I need to go read that and respond! Oh, and I totally found another total cutie online! Hooray!

(PS: still no word from Piano Boy :( )

(PPS: this turned epic, sorry. I can't help it!)

no seriously, one of the coolest things ever

2008-05-22T09:35:00.002-04:00

so most of you know (or you should!) that I can't live or breath without music. the purchase of my iPod was one of the best decisions I've ever made. When I get the chance, I'm out enjoying live music. I purchase WAY too much music through iTunes. I have my iPod connected in my car, in my house, everywhere. I don't go anywhere without turning some kind of music on (and sometimes NPR)--I need the sound. I don't like just sitting quietly. I want to hear something.

Ok, so with that said, there's this show on NPR called All Songs Considered. I find a lot of the new and upcoming music I listen to from this show. Well, the show's creators (Bob Boilen (host) and Robin Hilton) have this blog I subscribe to. And yesterday's blog blew me out of the water.

There's this application you can download for your iTunes. It's a concert visualizer, iConcertCal.

It takes all of the artists in your iTunes and tells you when any of them are in concert anywhere near your city. No seriously. The coolest thing I've experienced in a long time.

Part of the blog Robin Hilton talks about not knowing out Highway to the Dangerzone by Kenny Loggins got in his iTunes and is pretty much mortified that it's there. And he's even more disturbed that Kenny Loggins is in concert soon near DC.

So I scrolled through my own iConcertCal and was pretty pleased (this week in Atlanta: Abigail Washburn, Kate Walsh, She Wants Revenge, James Taylor, Amy Lavere, Nada Surf (I think I might try to make that show), Mary Gauthier and The Packway Handle Band).

And then Sunday, July 13 rolled around and I cringed. LeAnn Rimes is apparently playing at Turner Field. And then the worst thought is, "Why is LeAnn Rimes in my iTunes?" And then I remembered: I have the Coyote Ugly soundtrack. It's true. And I actually like it. And her contribution to it isn't that bad, so I take that cringe back. I, however, will not be going to that particular Braves game where it'll be LeAnn Rimes, Brooks and Dunn, Kenny Chesney, all with, get this, SAMMY HAGAR (you know, of Van Halen fame). Apparently they're all doing this show together after the Braves game that Sunday. That's disturbing.

Ok, enough about that. Paulo and I had a lovely, lovely, lovely night but I don't have time to write about it now because I was late to work and a little behind. More later!

Literary tricks and what two subjects to never put in the same sentence

2008-05-21T10:55:00.000-04:00

Last night started out on a rocky foot...the first 30 minutes or so I was in the store were very awkward between Paulo and I. He greeted me as soon as I walked in, but then was randomly standoffish. I think it's just the fact that he's a boy. Seriously. But later on he said how much my letter made his day--especially the part about the girl's skin. He liked how I brought it up again later at the end--"that must be a literary trick or something." HA! It apparently made him laugh until he was out of breath. Which is nice, because he's a self-admitted under-laugher. He said he generally chuckles, but doesn't have a belly-deep laugh but maybe once a month. How sad!

So, I think Paulo and I are on a different plane now (I'm sorry to dash your Paulo-loving hopes!). He's just a fun guy that shaves his head, yet misses some so there's a patch of slightly-longer-than-bald hair behind his right ear and a guy that during our TORNADO last night goes out into the storm to pull this lady's car up to the front door so she could easily get her three small kids to the car with her groceries without having to face too much of the storm. No seriously. How cute. He was soaked...and I may or may not have seen him changing out of his soaked shirts into a sweatshirt...and he may or may not be hairy (and I'm totally ok with that. I'm more than ok with that, actually.)

Anyway, I think he'll just be a terrific friend--maybe soon we can all go to that Braves game as planned and without a romantic agenda, hopefully we can have fun. As my second mother at work, Margaret, and I discussed last night (she knows the whole saga)--sometimes you've just got to be a friend to someone to show them Jesus. Preach, sister! And Paulo maybe catching a glimpse of Christ is WAY more important than me and him making little Paulos. Wait. I'm pretty sure I shouldn't mention illicit sex and Jesus in the same sentence. Paragraph even. Shoot!

I was in charge of the front office again last night (I'm getting GOOD) and he sent the new full timer home (the guy just transferred to our store and just looked slap worn out)--so we closed down the books again and it was fun. There are some papers we have to initial, and I automatically initial anything ABL--so he asked about the B. I told him and he remembered he asked me the same thing last week...and without me asking he volunteered that his middle name is Reed. Too cute cause that's an adorable name for his future child...but I'm not talking about babies anymore, ok?

Ok, gotta head to a meeting.

a very weird experience indeed...

2008-05-20T15:15:00.002-04:00

There's this guy that works at my day job. He's a loud and close talker. He smells funny, but I attribute that to his being from a different country.

I've never had a non-work-related conversation with him. His laugh scares me.

And I saw a post on one of our databases and he was going to be out of the office for a couple of weeks as his wife (that I learned was arranged to marry him, they had never met before the wedding) was about to have a baby.

So I thought it weird that I heard his voice several cubes over. Then he walked in my cube as I had my headphones on and had just posted my last blog. I looked up at him strangely and he thrust a photo album at me. And stood there as I was forced to look at infant pictures.

That's weird, right? It's not just me? You shouldn't go up to someone you don't really know and force them to ooh and ahh over your newborn, right?

I'm not an oooher nor an ahhher, so I was forced to look. Forced to comment on how pretty she is and say congratulations. He then moved the cube over from me and started the whole ritual again. I can now hear him the next little section over and I can tell he's doing it to those people who certainly don't know him either.

Well, I guess it's good that he's a proud papa. But I'm still weirded out. Maybe some tortilla chips will help...

p.s. I love you

2008-05-20T15:07:00.000-04:00

No seriously, best film I've seen in a long time. I mean, I saw Baby Mama (I'm sorry Jana! I was with Jay Dempsey and with his gay charm he made me see it with him even though I said I'd go with you!) last week, but that's different.

I rented this movie because I am a hopeless romantic. I love romantic comedies. For a long time I hid that part of myself. I hid under the pretenses that I only enjoyed weird, avant garde films. Artsy films. Indie films. And I would shun blockbusters. Well, I do still shun blockbusters, but only because I'm just not into them. I've never seen one Indiana Jones movie and don't plan on seeing the new one. I've only seen two Star Wars movies, under the supervision of others, and I can't name them. I enjoyed them, sure. I appreciate what they mean for so many--they're just not my cup of tea. I will watch any movie, sure. Bo once convinced me I needed to see Jackass and I really enjoyed it (so dumb!). He also turned me on to The Transporter--I've found I really enjoy dumb action films (come on, XXX with Vin Diesel is a work of art--art, you know, like the kind that elephant that can paint makes). Anyway. I do like an occasional documentary, will watch avant garde and indie films if I get the chance, but if you ever catch me at the movie rental store, you will most likely find me renting something sappy. Now, it may be in a foreign language and be an indie release, but still--there is some sort of love story. I just enjoy them.

So I rented p.s. I Love You Saturday night. I saw an ad for it and I like, nay, LOVE Jeffrey Dean Morgan (you know him--he was Denny on Grey's Anatomy!)--talk about ultimate Fridge candidate! I'm a sucker for beards. Man oh man.

Well, so, I won't ruin the movie for anyone--but good Lord I haven't cried that much in a movie in a long long time. Now, I was pretty darn tired and groggy when I watched it--but still, what a cute and poignant film! I really liked Hilary Swank and thought she portrayed the emotion she was supposed to portray with a reality that is rarely seen in films. Oh, and Lisa Kudrow is hilarious as is Harry Connick, Jr. although I don't think he's supposed to be. So, ladies, either ditch your various boys and alternative lifestyle lovers, and watch this one on your own--or drag him (or her, whatever) through it too--but it's the ultimate chick flick. And boys: rent this one. It'll gain you some points. And you just might enjoy yourself.

I also rented Lars and The Real Girl. Ryan Gosling (yeah, THAT Ryan Gosling) plays Lars...a guy that has a hard time with reality and falls in love with a life-size doll. The creators of the film did their job...I was so damn connected to that doll that when she "dies" I was so sad!

But back to the point...back to what you sick people come here for:

Right, to the Block Party. Here are some photos:

Neighborhood Block Party

My church is in the very heart of downtown Atlanta and the neighborhood is pretty rough--and we're there to show even the lowest of the low that there is hope. It was a great afternoon. The music was terrific, the hotdogs and popcorn were totally appropriate and I met a lot of excellent people.

Speaking of excellent people, I shall highlight two boys. (Jessie, thanks for coming! You and Nicki were definitely a joy to be around...I'm not trying to downplay your importance...but my public must know about these boys!)

First highlighted boy: Officer Aaron Z. We had hired two police officers to just be present during our party--they ate and drank lemonade with us--you know, when people see cops acting like normal people in a peaceful setting, it kind of helps the perception of having them in the neighborhood. Well, when Aaron walked up, his partner had yet to arrive. And he's got these adorable puppy dog blue eyes and so I introduced myself and welcomed him to our party. We just chatted and then that was that. Half-way into the bands playing, I went back over to he and his partner just to thank them again for their time and just to chat. Anyway, they tell me cop stories of the neighborhood and then Aaron tells me about his apartment he has to live in because he can't live in his house. Apparently when he bought his house the basement was covered in black mold, but the seller didn't disclose it. So, after living there for a year his dog (I know! boys and dog stories get me every time) got really sick--and that's when they found the mold. He had to send his dog back home to Michigan (wait, Paulo's from Michigan...weird.). So, he was really into this salsa band that was playing (the keyboard/trumbone player of said band is Featured Boy #2) and went and got their info once the evening was done. Apparently his house is almost ready to be lived in again and he wants to have a luau, with the salsa band (Grogus). And he turned to me, with his very official police man business card and said, "Hey, why don't you come to my luau too?" So, I think after one night, I've been invited to this man's home for salsa music and hopefully a pig on a spit. I like my dinner being cooked over open flame. It's just more fun that way. And no, I haven't called him yet. I just don't think he's what I'm looking for--although we were in mid-story when the band started playing Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) and he stopped mid-sentence and turned away from us and toward the stage and said over his shoulder, "Now that's a good song." I don't think he has Jesus residing in his heart--but I think he's open to it. Maybe I can be his grandma too.

That's actually an excellent idea.

Boy #2 is a lot more of a sticky situation. I just realized that Boy #2 (might as well name him his real name, Kevin) is the brother-in-law of the guy that I'm friends with at church--the guy that plays the drums and the guy that is leading the boys' Chrysalis weekend the week before mine in September. Greg reads my blog from time to time. So, Greg, I have to be honest: I really had a hard time deciding on whether or not to write any of this at all. And then I decided: it's my blog (and I can cry if I want to, cry if I want to). I don't mean to put people in weird situations or write about things that alienate my friends. But this blog is somewhere where I can vent and tell people exactly what's going on in my head. So, here goes.

Greg, I think your brother-in-law is a super swell guy. He's quiet, kind of shy, a super-de-duper talented musician, and he's a diehard Braves fan. I think it says a lot about a man's character that loves a team that consistently lets him down. He and I actually "officially" met earlier in the day, and chatted a couple of times throughout the afternoon--but the real conversation started when the stage was being deconstructed. I mentioned how I was planning on going to the Braves game the night previous (man! I should have bought tickets for Paulo and I...) and how I was almost stuck with some tickets--and the leader of the praise band (Adam, with whom I went to high school) had told me of Kevin's love and dedication to the Braves--and I was going to call him up just so they wouldn't go to waste. Kevin's eyes certainly lit up at that--"Oh, you should have! If I ever don't have a gig and I'm in town, I'm at the stadium. I've been to six games already this season." That's when he gave me HIS card. And told me let him know the next time I wanted to go to a game. So, really, I didn't get these guys cards along with a promise that they want to love me forever...as I told Jessie, it's just because guys feel comfortable around me. I'm a friendly person and non-threatening. But Kevin and I spoke of his love of Athens (a town in Georgia where the University of Georgia is...and it has a huge music scene: REM, Of Montreal, the B-52's, Matthew Sweet, Widespread Panic, Neutral Milk Hotel, Drive-by Truckers, etc.), I told him about Rebuilt (also in Athens) and how he can't decide if he wants to move there because that's where he went to school and he has lots of friends and fans there (he's a very accomplished musician...you wouldn't know it talking to him, I just know if from the other guys in the band and Greg--he's been on tour with Widespread Panic, about to go on another national tour) or if he should live somewhere that might be a challenge (in my head: I've always wanted to be with a musician, I like the way they see the world and I certainly love Athens, but I digress)--anyway, we have this music thing in common, and the biggest: this Jesus thing in common, and he's nerdy and I like that. He's into praise music. I like Fridge, but I have a soft spot for Nerd too (I'll attach a picture of my senior prom date who is an excellent friend...and I may or may not have had a crush on him senior year (this is us Dec 2006))--he's the guy in the hat, not the Latino waiter:
So, there are several pictures of this Kevin individual in my Block Party photo album...so as it stands we're just baseball and church friends...but since my heart's been transformed into being not so much a love interest, but a life interest in Paulo...well, I'm on the fence as to whether I want to weather having a real interest in this guy. It's a precarious fence that I could be tipped off of at any point...but as of right now, all I want to do is pray and not get my heart mangled any more than it is the Lord's will for it to be.

I'm optimistic. I have a hope that is indefatigable. I'm resilient. And I know that the Lord guides my every step and one of these days my uncontainable passion that I expend on boys will be spent on the right boy and it'll all be worth it.

But until then, I appreciate everyone's prayers and support...And in two hours I'll be face to face with my grandson Paulo.

Should be a very interesting night indeed.

fantasia on american idol

2008-05-19T16:58:00.002-04:00

I hate American Idol.

But since Dave White reviews it, I sometimes will read his articles and watch just to know what he's talking about.

And he just posted this clip:

That is definitely the coolest thing I've ever seen on American Idol and might be the coolest thing I've seen on YouTube in a long time.

If you go to that particular youtube site, you can get the lyrics, which I will copy here.

Have a nice evening! More to come in the morning!

Fantasia Barrino makes an appearance on AMerican Idol Season 7 (results night) to sing her song "Bore Me (yawn)" from her latest CD.
14 May 2008.

Lyrics:

[Verse 1]

You Gon Trippin in 6 in the Morning
Like ain't nobody s'pose to know.
Say You Been Workin but Get in Bed
Smelling just like fresh bar of soap. (soap)

Ask You About it, you just turn ya back
And get mad and just fall asleep, (sleep)
Got alot on ya mind and a arguement
Is the last Thing you need.

[Hook]

Baby you trippin'
It don't go that way
This ain't a movie
Or a tyler perry play
If you really wanted to mess around
That's all you had to say
But it ain't gonna be itty bitty silly me
So don't waste ya energy.

[Chorus]

Expect me to listen
When all I keep hearin'
Is You spittin nothing but game
Expect me to stay
When all u can say
Everything is gonna change
Don't wanna leave , wanna believe
Dat you won't do me wrong
But it's starting to
Bore Me , Bore Me, Bore Me (hmm. yawn)

[Verse 2]

I ain't yelling , I'm Telling
You nothing but how i heard you gettin down (down)
In the theatre with sister girl
Over on the other side of town. (hey.hey.hey.)
Ain't got no picture but ya'll might as well
Have been walking right into me.
Ain't no way in the hell immuh let it ride
But you do it to me....

[Hook]

Baby you trippin'
It don't go that way
This ain't a movie
Or a tyler perry play
If you really wanted to mess around
That's all you had to say
But it ain't gonna be itty bitty silly me
So don't waste ya energy.

[Chorus]

Expect me to listen
When all I keep hearin'
Is You spittin nothing but game
Expect me to stay
When all u can say
Everything is gonna change
Don't wanna leave , wanna believe
Dat you won't do me wrong
But it's starting to
Bore Me , Bore Me, Bore Me.....

[Bridge]

I'm tellin you
That i refuse to let it go
Down like this
Baby girl,
You must've bumped ya head
Everytime you go assumeing
You know you make a fool out of you
Got them other girls out of my world
And your the only one

I'm tryna make this clear
Hope you feel me my dear....(ooh)

Fantasia: How You Gonna expect me

[Chorus 2x]

Expect me to listen
When all I keep hearin' Fantasia:
Is You spittin nothing but game (you spittin nothing but game)
Expect me to stay Fantasia:
When all u can say (Why You Be In my Mind, Got Me Tellin lies)
Everything is gonna change
Don't wanna leave, wanna believe
Dat you won't do me wrong
But it's starting to Fantasia: (But You starting To Bore Me)
Bore Me, Bore Me, Bore Me (hmm. yawn

a husband about his wife

2008-05-19T16:13:00.002-04:00

So years ago I worked with Natalie at Chop Point--she was one of the counselors. She has since gotten married to Joe and had two children. They are leaving for South Africa this summer...and plan on being there long term.

I subscribe to their blog and Joe wrote this in his most recent post:

-My wife is my backbone. The last two weeks before I’ve shared, Natalie is right next to me. We put together a video with some facts and figures about South Africa, and while that video played, I just felt peace as I rested my arm on her shoulder. Can’t stand without her.

and I want that. It's what I crave, what I was made to want and I don't feel badly for it and I won't compromise.

Epicness of Epic Proportions

2008-05-19T14:00:00.002-04:00

Take a deep breath, here we go!

First off: I worked with Paulo Saturday morning. It was nice. Lovely even. Scrumtrulescent actually.

Our captain Elizabeth was unloading some flowers (all of our deliveries come either at 6:30 am or somewhere around 4 pm...except for the flowers. They come at like 11 am which is right when we're getting busy...) and I remarked on a specific bunch of 14 long-stem roses and how pretty they were. They are the prettiest flowers we sell, in my humble opinion, and Paulo chimed in that he wished we'd sell only 12 instead of 14 and then drop the price from what they are now, $10.99 to below $10. Then he dropped this adorable bomb: "As a recently single guy, I know how to buy enough for like 68 roses and only spend like 50 bucks. And it's like an armload," he then illustrated what an armload looked like--like he was hugging a 50-gallon barrel. The captain and I looked at each other in pretty much disbelief and she said, "I've gotten flowers before--but never so many." My response: "I've been looking for the wrong boys apparently."

Ok, so, we know he likes to give flowers (Check Plus Plus Plus Plus--especially since I've never received flowers in a romantic sense--I mean, I got carnations at Chop Point--but those were generally because the boys felt I was like a mother to them and boys should give their mothers flowers, and I got a corsage before prom, but sorry Andy, that just doesn't count. Especially since you're currently living with your girlfriend in Tacoma, Washington.). I had heard earlier in the day that he was possibly recently divorced...but that claim has yet to be confirmed. And in case you don't know, the man I loved, an unrequited love, for six years was recently divorced when I met him. That doesn't automatically mean Paulo's out, it just means there's a caution flag. Divorces are never pretty, emotional scars develop, and there has to be a REASON people get divorced. Either it's his fault, or he'll never trust another woman again on whatever front that it was her fault.

But I have to tell you, I'm a sucker for the hurt ones. The ones that I feel like I can remedy. The ones that just need a hug and lots of positive, loving language. Now, I don't think I can fix anyone. Not at all. We all know that doesn't work and only through Christ true healing can come. But I want to be someone's last grasp on humanity...the reason he fights on, you know? I'm such a sap. An unrealistic, head-in-the-clouds sap. And I love most every minute of it!

So, the day went on without a whole lot of excitement--I was super tired (leaving the store at 1 am just to be back at 7 am does not leave a fresh, rejuvenated Anna--not even the thought of being with Paulo knocked me out of exhaustion) and we had a lot of work to do. But it's nice when I can tell he feels like I'm an anchor on our crew and can count on me for anything. He asks my opinion. He speaks to me with respect. And he laughs at my jokes. Did I mention that?

So I clocked out and the next five minutes were magical: he was writing the milk order and I went over just to say goodbye to him (obviously) and since I needed to get a few things for my mom, I had taken off my TJ's shirt and was wearing my oftentimes undershirt--" 'Tis My Duty To Cruise Dat Hoopty." And it's an old "hoopty" on the front. It's from Jason (Harwell)'s collection of funny songs he calls Flavors. Anyway, that gained a chuckle from Paulo as he stated that if there were ever a shirt he didn't expect me to own, anything referencing a hoopty is it. Then he asked if I had to work tomorrow (Sunday) and I told him no, that I take Sundays off. He then asked, "Oh, are you religious?" I stated that indeed I was. That wasn't the reason I take Sundays off, but I do go to church on Sunday nights. So, he lost a few points with that question. Yes, he seemed cool with it, but yet it didn't seem to be a part of his life. Which is cool (this in part leads to what happened around midnight that night...but I'm getting ahead of myself), but it doesn't make my heart sing, you know? I then described how I needed a day off between my jobs. And then discussed if I could make enough at TJ's I could quit my day job, blah blah blah, I love TJ's, wouldn't mind it as a career (not that I'm for one second forsaking Rebuilt...but TJ's is something I enjoy while I'm trying to figure out how Rebuilt's gonna work). He then did my favorite thing he does when we speak: compliment me (hey, I'm not shallow, but compliments from men I find attractive makes the day go by just a little bit easier, ok?). He stated that clearly, I'm his favorite crew member and that when the full-timers got together, I'm at the top of the list of part-timers in training for full-time--which is nice. Very nice, actually. And last week when I ran the front office, all on my own, without much assistance was apparently the latest topic of conversation. He said everyone was really impressed--and now that he knows I'm serious about going full time, he's going to be my champion, my cheerleader for getting me promoted! Hooray! I have a champion. A sexy, chiseled champion!

Oh yeah, and earlier in the day he had left for his lunch break and came back in the store--I was in the office probably goofing off (I got tired of actually working) and he had a drink carrier that had a Gatorade for the guy that was closing books that night and a diet coke. For me. He brought me a diet coke from the gas station across the street. He was finishing off a slushie, which made me smile. I deconstructed the drink carrier and was about to put it in the trash when he said in a voice I've heard from frustrated little boys, "It took me five tries before I figured out how to assemble that thing. I had to throw them away each time in front of the clerk like an idiot." I apologized for destroying his masterpiece and asked if he wanted it put back together--but he stuck out his bottom lip and just shook his head.

Boys need to be careful when they act like adorable little boys and stick out their lips--I can't be held responsible for what happens to those lips. I just can't, ok?

Fast forward to right around midnight. I was sitting in bed (the exhaustion from earlier in the day had been abated by a two-hour nap) and had a moment of epiphany--I need to encourage this man. I need to be like his unrelenting Hosea (without the fact that his name isn't Gomer or that he's a prostitute or that I've been told to marry him). Just someone to bring a little hope and Jesus to him from a place without ulterior motives. And yes, my feelings for Paulo have changed since midnight Saturday night...I see him as someone who needs my love--but not necessarily eros (romantic) love, more of a philos (brotherly) love that leads to some agape (God) love.

I need to be this guy's unshakable grandmother.

And I decided I needed to write him a letter. I went into it with a little trepidation. See, I wrote a letter once. A letter that was so well written that I couldn't believe I had written it. A letter that declared my six-year-long love and a letter that kind of demanded a response from its recipient. And he didn't confess his love when he got it. Actually, he got defensive and said maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore. But somehow things have righted themselves and we're still friends (with my heart finally disentangled from any romantic lingerings having to do with him, thanks be to Jesus!). So, with that letter being so eloquently written, yet not received in the way that I had hoped, I wasn't SO fond of writing to Paulo. But I did. And I think it turned out well. I took camera-phone pictures of each page so I could transcribe each of them for you here. So here's the letter I wrote to Paulo:

Saturday May 17 2008
11:12 pm
Paulo--

First things first: no matter how much I scrub, I still have corn gunk underneath my nails and I just wanted to thank you for that (I shucked quite a few cases of corn before we opened Saturday...and put them on a display that he called "the most artistic corn display he'd ever encountered").

My cat Ginger is here, she says hi--well, by "hi" I mean she head butts my arm, attacks the end of the pen and is kneading my quilt in attempts to gain attention, but that's neither here nor there.

I've had a bit of an epiphanal (I have no idea if that's a word and if I truly truly cared I'd go to the other side of the room to get a dictionary--but I enjoy it even if it's a non-word, so I"m keeping it regardless.) day. So I told you earlier that I go to church--and it's true. But it's more than that, my relationship with Christ means more to me than anything, even Coke Zero--and that's a lot.

But I'm not here to preach or make you uncomfortable. I'm here to tell you that God often nudges me to new horizons, often awkward ones, to make me grow as a person.

And I feel like I'm at one such precipice now (I would have written precipices but again, I don't know if that's a word and I actually care about this one---so instead of looking like an idiot, I switched the sentence around to make it work for the word I DO know--score one for my liberal arts B.A.!).

I don't write this to make you feel awkward, but I just feel prompted that there are some things you need to hear, so might as well hear them from me.

I feel like we've built a nice rapport over the past several weeks. I think you're hilarious and I'm flattered that you laugh at my inane and often nonsensical jokes. It makes more that much more enjoyable when I know there are people there that I appreciate and who appreciate me.

Elizabeth and I spoke later about our (well, your) discussion/passion over the roses and we mused that it's sad that you revealed you're recently single.

I don't know your life, nor should I, and I certainly am not trying to get into your business--so I'll just invite you to see me as a lot of my friends do--as their grandmother. I'm an 87-year-old woman with 32 grandchildren stuck in a 26-year-old single woman's body. I just have this passion inside of me to nurture and take care of people--to encourage and to know that people are happy. Here lies my point--I have a Grandmother message for you, Mr. (insert correctly spelled last name here) (see? I spelled it right!) <--yes, that last parenthetical statement was included in the letter. I write non of this for any ulterior motive except for one: to make you smile: You, sir, are fantastic. Your "chiseled" grin is infectious. You, too, have a gift of encouragement and it is certainly a lifting of the morale for our entire crew. I have heard nothing but positive things about you since you came to our store. You are valued. Not just for being good at your job, but for being a swell guy. I can tell you are a sensitive (in the most manly way possible, of course) man and it's heartwarming. You speak of your car in loving terms and you were worried to tell your bear story for fear that people wouldn't believe you and that's just straight, unadulterated adoreableness (too bad there's no speel check in handwritten letters, eh?) I'm sorry to hear that you're recently single. No matter the circumstances, it's got to suck. Since I don't know the other side/person to your relationship, I will wholeheartedly take your side. Unless of course you killed her and wear her skin around your house. Then that'd just be weird. I mean, I'll still be your friend, but only in crowded and well-lit public places. But I digress, my point this evening is to bring you cheer: I find you amusing (in the laugh with you, not at you sense), I like the way you do business, I think your sense of integrity is inspiring, I like to listen to what you have to say, I like working alongside of you and find you utterly respectable and an all-around stand up chap.

Being away from your family and working the crazy amount of hours that you do, I don't know if you get to hear these things often or at all--so today was the day.

Today is the day for you to hear that you're worthy, you matter and that people think you're terrific--even if you wear some dead girl's skin around the house and shopping on the weekends.

I was telling a friend earlier this evening of my intention to write this and a caution flag was thrown--too often my urge to encourage and nurture gets crossed over into the romantic realm and I appreciate her caution for I often jump without thinking and end up somewhere I never intended on being. But this letter is written with one intent and it's for the betterment of your being. So there. Hope your well being has been bettermented! (ha!)

And I realize that grandmas are supposed to bake cookies and all that--but it's after midnight now and I'm not sure I've ever made cookies from scratch before (hey! my mom was/is a good cook/baker and I never needed to bake my own when I could just ask her. I'm a spoiled mama's girl. I get it. You can stop judging me now.) and I have no idea if I even have all I would need here. And, as I've mentioned, it's ater 12 am and nothing good is coming from these worn out and tired motor skills. So, I will abstain from getting out the mixer and turning on the oven. I'll think of something to accompany this letter, as you'll need some kind of sugary sustainence to to wade through my extreme verbiosity (there goes that need for a dictionary again).

Sometimes people just need to hear that they are whole, worthy, and loved.

So today is your day. Sorry you're having to work on your day off. I'll see you later this week I suppose. Hopefully you'll get to reschedule your rib eye boys night and we'll all get to go see some baseball.

Peace out, homeslice.
Anna

And I forgot to give him a sugary snack along with the letter. Oops. So that's where I currently stand with Paulo. I'll give you an update once there is one!

So I'll have to write more about the movie that I watched before I wrote the letter plus what happened at the Block Party at my church later--it's taken me entirely more than my lunch hour to just write thus far.

Enjoy!

My Top Ten Albums of 2007

2008-05-19T09:16:00.002-04:00

So I just realized I didn't ever post this--it's a top ten list I wrote at the beginning of '08 as to the top ten albums, for me, in 2007. They are in alphabetical by album name, not ranked, order.

Armchair Apocrypha (Andrew Bird)
Because of the Times (Kings of Leon)
the.broken.headphones EP (Jason Harwell)
The Ghost of Fashion (Clem Snide)
I'm Like a Virgin Losing a Child (Manchester Orchestra)
In Our Nature (Jose Gonzalez)
Nothing Is Okay (the everybodyfields)
Sandwiches & Cats (Michael Showalter--comedy)
The Shepherd's Dog (Iron and Wine)
The Stage Names (Okkervil River)

I've included the links (mostly Amazon) so you'll give some of it a listen...if you'd like to go to their websites, well, just google their name and voila! there they are.

I love them all for different reasons--and they are all solid songs lyrically (except for Kings of Leon...but they rock so hard it doesn't matter) and that's what I fall for every time.

I write this hoping it will tide you over until I can get a chance to write, epically of course, about my EPIC weekend including: a letter to Paulo, a block party in downtown ATL at my church, watching the movie P.S. I Love You, and, of course, me getting the number of two different (and cute!) single, eligible men--one being a cop! Ah ha!

An Open Letter To The Girl That Sits Three Cubes Away From Me

2008-05-16T16:47:00.002-04:00

To the girl that sits three cubes away from me:

This is a work place. NOT a sorority. Please stop giggling, cackling, laughing and whispering with Girl Who Sits Two Cubes Away From Me like you're back in high school.

You are not cute when you talk like a baby. You are not funny. You are not spreading joy to the world with your laugh. You're spreading venom and hatred and I wouldn't mind if you got a bacterial infection in your throat and therefore could only use sign language for the rest of your miserable perpetually irresponsible stuck in college days.

Thanks for your time. I need to get back to work.

Anna

viral videos are fun...

2008-05-16T15:13:00.000-04:00

this one's long...but utterly fascinating:

MUTO a wall-painted animation by BLU from blu on Vimeo.

captivating

2008-05-16T14:26:00.002-04:00

so my dear friend Jen recommended this book to me a while ago (it's like the woman's version of Wild At Heart).

I used to be OBSESSED with this particular genre of Christian literature. I had them all. ALL. And then one day I stopped. I stopped believing what they were peddling. I stopped believing that they were even based in the faith that I believe so much in. I gave all my Christian relationship books away and haven't regretted it since. I just felt like they were putting false ideals in my head. They all had this mentality that I wasn't good enough now. I needed to get X, Y, and Z in order before 1, 2, and 3 could happen. But I wanted to believe that if I followed the formula perfectly, I would then be worthy of finding my Knight in Shining Armor. Then I heard this 4-part sermon series by Voddie Baucham and my life has been changed in a real and tangible way. If you're reading this and I haven't sent you his sermon Love and Marriage, I will gladly do so.

Well, I gave Captivating a chance. I really enjoyed and was inspired by what I read. I, however, didn't read all of it because I haven't read all of anything in a very, very long time. I think working 80+ hours a week makes me crave mindless activity. I get home from work and watch The Daily Show. I have a night off from work and I watch anything on Bravo, or the creepy WE series High School Confidential. I crave time where my brain can just be quiet. I don't read novels anymore. I don't read for fun anymore. I don't read for spiritual enlightenment or challenge anymore. This all makes me sad. I generally leave my glasses at work.

But I do read blogs. A lot of them. I guess that's because it's easy to do while I'm at work. Oh, and I'm nosy. I like to read into the lives of other people. So, I went to the 268 Blog today (268 Generation: Passion movement: Louie Giglio: I used to go to his singles Bible study, 722, every Tuesday night---it's an amazing movement, read up on it at 268generation.com) and Louie, Chris Tomlin, David Crowder, and Charlie Hall (all on the record label Louie started: six step records) along with a whole slue of people that are amazing headed to Kyiv to start a world tour. I subscribe to Louie's blog. And I saw a comment on there from a girl. I clicked on her link because I'm nosy. I read one of her latest posts and it spoke to me powerfully.

Our God is a mighty God. He hears our groans when we do not know what to pray. I've prayed for all of you by name today. Thanks for being with me! He knows that sometimes we'll only hear Him through some random girls' blogs and he obliges.

Here's the girl's blog, Greener Grass and her entry entitled Captivating:

Sunday, April 20, 2008

captivating.

so yesterday i was going through my books seeing what i could get rid of - surely there was something. i came across a book i read a few years back and, remembering that it didnt blow me away the first time i read it, figured it was a good one to get rid of. i had made some notes while reading it before, so grabbed my eraser to clean it up. i'm quite a believer that books can mean something completely different to you if you read them at different points in your life. not surprisingly, then, as i was going back through this book, it seemed like something i should be reading now and so last night and this morning i've spent some time out on my patio in this great weather reading. and so, in typical fashion, a few passages or quotes that have stood out to me so far.

"A woman's struggle with her sense of self worth points to something glorious she was designed to be."

"In the depths of my soul, I longed to be part of something large and good; something that required all of me; something dangerous and worth dying for."

"We do not want to the adventure merely for adventure's sake but for what it requires of us for others. We don't want to be alone in it; we want to be in it with others."

"I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty ehough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.

After all, if we were better women - whatever that means - life wouldn't be so hard. Right? We wouldn't have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts. Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them? Why do our days seem so unimportant, filled not with romance and adventure but with duties and demands? We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We fell unsought - that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain - uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.

Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us - whether from a driven culture or a driven church - is try harder."

For so long I believed I had to "get my act together" before I could be in a meaningful relationship. That I always had something in the way of my Grand Perfection. But I'm a sinner and imperfect and I will ALWAYS have something falling together regarding to my act. And I'm ok with that. And I'm ok with waiting and praying and if I'm meant to be with someone, then it will be ordained by God. Because I am not willing to waste my life, my heart, my energy on a relationship that I choose just because I WANT it and then I'm stuck with the fall out of my way clashing with His way. It a'int worth it, friends.

Have a nice weekend. I'll see you guys Monday.

I have to work 8 hours with Paulo tomorrow. Hopefully they are wonderful hours. Even if he's not a love match, he's totally a long-term friend match.

And Jen has convinced me that you guys need a picture of Paulo...I have got the ball rolling and I'll report back once I get some results.

Deflated balloon

2008-05-16T10:22:00.003-04:00

I called TJ's this morning to tell Paulo that our group was just down to he and I...I asked if he still wanted to go.

"Let's wait until we have more people."

My bottom lip is poking out right now. I am sad.

But I'll get over it. Why do I have to be so bad at reading boys' signals? I wish I had the cohones to just say something. But I don't. So, there.

update

2008-05-15T16:48:00.001-04:00

Peter just called and left a message: something's come up and he and Michelle can't make it to the game.

Uhhh, so, do I go ahead and buy tickets for two? Do I just let Paulo decide if he still wants to go?

Let me think about this a little bit. No matter how giddy I am, I don't want to ruin a good working relationship.

I'll keep you posted.

Watch out what you ask for...

2008-05-15T14:04:00.004-04:00

Ok, so I have an amazing amount of work to complete by 5 pm EST and it's now 2:05 pm.

But, this couldn't be ignored, so I'll give it to you, my Royal Readers (bep!) in bullet form:

My thirty minutes with Paulo last night was wonderful. Lots of jokes. He also had ALL of the front-end prep work done for me already. Like, all of it. I was really blown over by this because that was a lot of extra work on his part. His response to my gratitude, "I just wanted to make sure you had a good night." TOO CUTE!
I went in to TJ's today to write my order because I don't work tonight. Thought I would go in during my lunch break (because 1. I want to be able to go straight home at 5 pm to be like a normal person, and the REAL reason 2. Paulo works until 2 pm b/c he had to come in at 5 am.)
I look hot today. A nice black jersey dress, some summer sandals with a little heel, and my grandmother's super great gold rope necklace that I've worn now twice in my life. Hair: good. It was raining when I went in, but still, the curl was good. Hitting on all cylinders.
I get compliments from all of my coworkers. Paulo was absent for the first wave of compliments, but I was up front in the office when he did walk in. He looked me up from head to toe (I know, as a woman, I should be offended by being objectified like that. But I'm not. At all. I liked it. A lot.) and told me I looked very nice today. Check plus.
He had a note from our boss that a crew member wanted to be trained back in demo (sample lady)--well, since that's what I did the first six months I worked for TJ's, I volunteered to him today with our boss present. He smiled and said he was going to ask me to do it anyway. We had a moment.
I asked the male of the couple that we're going to the Braves game with about if he wanted me to go ahead and buy tickets today. He looked confused and said, "I've already got tickets." I'm tired of referencing him like that, so let's call him Peter. So I cocked my head to the side, confused, "You got tickets for all of us?" His response (I love it!), "No, just for me and Michelle (his girlfriend, not her real name)." I laughed. "Umm, didn't we all want to sit together?" "Oh. Yeah. Ooops." Me: "Where are your seats then? I'll try to get Paulo and I's close to there then." "Oh. Somewhere in left field. Wait, maybe it's right field. Somewhere under the pavilion." The pavilion, is located on both sides. Awesome. Looks like it's just going to be me and Paulo. Together. Alone. Awkward.
Awkward, you may ask. Yes, awkward. Awkward because I have these crushes and I'm used to them being secret and never actually ACTING on them. Awkward.

Ok, so, well, let's pray about that. Jen. the girls did VERY well today. Their performance should be applauded. You've been right all along. I'm sending you a picture right now...I will email anyone who so desires said picture...but I'm a lady, I wouldn't want to post it on this here internets where anyone can see!

Also, on a serious note: I totally lost my cool at work this morning--I was getting blamed for something that I had very little to do with. I, however, am the lowest man on the totem pole and we all know what flows downhill. I apologized to the people I needed to apologize to...but I just can't think it's a good thing to be in the one place in my life that makes me act like this.

Have a great Thursday!

PS: I was asked to post a photo of my necklace. Here it is.

my friends: Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin

2008-05-15T11:38:00.003-04:00

So, my friends in the band Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin are on the Carson Daly show tonight...

Here's their music video for the song that made me fall in love with them, pangea:

I probably won't be up that late seeing that as I don't have to work tonight...but I will definitely DVR it.

I'm so very happy for them! if you're so inclined, watch them on TV.

If not, I guess that's cool too.

SUPPORT LOCAL AND INDIE MUSIC!

And hopefully this will make you smile as much as it did me:

Jason's journey to Australia

2008-05-15T09:49:00.004-04:00

here's the blog he posted last night (well, it was last night EST...I have no idea what time it was in Auckland, New Zealand):

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Down Under, Part One

I'll be in Australia for a couple of weeks, hanging out with my friends from Small House Records. I'll also be doing my best to post a few blogs about the experience in the hopes you that, valued reader, will find these adventures interesting. I flew from Atlanta to LAX to Auckland, New Zealand, to Melbourne, Australia.

Here Are A Few Thoughts About My First Trans-Pacific Flight:

1. It's never a good sign when the captain comes on over the public address while you're still boarding and says incredulously, "Folks, we're expecting moderate turbulence for the first four hours of the flight." My heart sinks deeper at that point when realizing that period of time is only a third of my total flying time.

2. Sleeping is a luxury. I have come prepared for this one, with an inflatable neck pillow, eye mask, ear phones, ear plugs, a blanket, comfy shoes, and some over the counter meds that should put me to sleep. I have also downed a glass of the worst wine I've ever put in my mouth, at which point I remembered the wine was free and it all makes sense. But despite these efforts, it's really hard to sleep in an airplane chair; comfort really isn't the design aesthetic here; we're talking function, baby. But seriously, could we not get the folks from Herman Miller to design an airline chair that doesn't cause blood clots in your legs?

I did manage to snooze a bit here and there, but mostly I watched movies on my little television. The selection was pretty amazing, actually, and after scrolling through my options, I nearly screamed with glee as I noticed "Beverly Hills Cop" on there. And "Rattle & Hum." And since I was flying Air New Zealand, all three Lord of the Rings movies were available, which I seriously considered, but that was a kind of investment I was not prepared for. It would have covered most of my flight, though. But I did watch a few episodes of Flight of the Concords, you know, in honor of New Zealand. I also watched "Dan In Real Life" with Steve Carrell (good) and "Bee Movie" with Jerry Seinfeld (absolutely horrible).

3. Speaking of NZ, the airport looks a lot like ours accept it's cleaner and the people talk with cool accents. But rest assured Americans; I'm currently typing this at a table between a coffee shop and a Burger King, and NASCAR is playing on the television behind me. This is a picture of me having a mochaccino in the Auckland airport after my flight. Notice the slightly bewildered look in my eyes...

4. I'm kind of having a hard time typing this. I'm catching my final flight to Melbourne here in a few minutes, and while my mind is running at probably 85%, my motor skills are sucking pretty badly right now. I attribute this to the small amount of sleep I got on that last flight. It may also have something to do with the fact that I also played a ton of Tetris, which was also available to play on my little in-flight monitor. Dang, it took me a long time to type "in-flight monitor." Both times.

5. Finally, I can safely say now that time has stopped. I have no idea what time it is, what time it feels like, or what meal I should be looking forward to. I felt somewhere during the eleventh hour of the flight this Zen-like freedom from the bondage of times, dates, and calendars. I felt like I might fly forever. At some point, the boredom, crampiness, and endless selections of in-flight (dang!) entertainment safely removes all of your sensory perception, like that psychological experiment in which the subject puts half of a golf ball over each eye, forming little white domes to look into, robbing the subject of their visual perception. What happens then, you ask?

You get some Burger King in Auckland, NZ for breakfast while screaming at others to please observe a moment of silence "For Dale" with your three fingers hoisted high.

And then you get back on the plane. 6:14 PM

an anthropological study...

2008-05-14T12:04:00.002-04:00

Last night, my second mother at TJ's, Maggie (whom I love dearly!) commented how I look happy and at peace whenever I'm working/around Paulo.

The guy who corrected Paulo about my name asked why I was in such a good mood.

I was writing the previous blog this morning and my coworker Mike walked by and asked why I had such a big goofy grin on my face.

Maybe I need to be nice all the time, regardless of this man or that and stop being a crab!

It's definitely something to ponder upon.

Taunting a bear

2008-05-14T09:06:00.004-04:00

Last night's blow-by-blow:

So, Paulo's in charge of unloading the truck (we get two trucks a day, one in the morning with perishables and one in the afternoon of the dry stuff--shelf stable stuff and then also frozen). I was in charge of running the front end--the cash drawers, giving refunds, employee discounts, answering phones, inputting the orders into the computer, etc.

So I tried SO hard to have everything perfect so I would look good to him, look like I had my act together. But then the thought occured, perhaps I shouldn't have my act together and be the damsel in distress. Then I snapped back into reality! That's a game, girl, and homie don't play games. I am who I am and I'm not going to act otherwise. If I'm good at my job, then I won't act poorly--I'll just hope he likes self-sufficient girls instead of snivelers. There are plenty of things I need a knight-in-shining-armor for--I don't need to waste it on answering phones and counting cash.

I did this all very well until around 10 pm when I should have had everything done--I couldn't account for $214. That, my friends, is not good. The night before I could only not find $7.42 (that's pretty normal, generally the next day we bounce back). So, I had to swallow my disappointment and call him back up to the front...he whispered, "how much?" because that is the only reason he would get called back up front after having already doubled my count for the cash and check deposit (which I did perfectly! the paperwork, the counting of things in the safe, everything!). I told him the amount and he was totally unfazed. He sat down on the floor in front of the safe, legs crossed, ready to count every penny if needed, and started to take the bundles out that I had just made and gingerly counted and recounted until he found $185 that I had miscounted. That left us with a normal (anything right at $30 short is ok) and I apologized again (stupid! 20 $5s go in a bundle, not 25!) and just the way he handled it was perfect. He's so damn calm. And he was very complimentary of the work I completed correctly. And he said that I "rocked the house" (excellent turn of phrase) with everything else. That I'm still pretty new to the game and it all becomes second nature after a while. It made me feel nice. He even complimented me in front of the whole crew during our nightly huddle--the job I'm doing all week is a full-timers job and it's pretty stressful--trying to keep all the money straight while also trying to keep the front end, the "grand finale," for the customers running smoothly.

We keep many, many, many, many closed cases of wine at the front of our store. It's just our thing. He had brought a pallet of wine up to the front and was unloading it and was like, "Did I tell you I went camping this weekend?" No. He didn't tell me. But I just LOVE intimate personal details--because I'm a hopeless romantic dork that wants to know all about the crush o' the moment. He went camping in north Georgia (Atlanta, by the way, is pretty north in the state) at Amicalola Falls. It's ok if you can't pronounce it--I've lived here my whole entire life and I still have problems with it. The last time I went to Amicalola Falls was with Joe. And his parents. And his mom, at the time, had an obsession with Noxema face cream as a hand lotion (she has some mental difficulties). An outing with his parents? Yeah, no wonder I thought there was more going on there than there actually was. But hey, that's in the WAY past. He's getting married in June. And I couldn't be happier. Seriously. I'm glad to be out from under that six-year heart debacle. But that's neither here nor there.

Back to Paulo. So, I asked if he went alone (duh! always have to put the "is there a girlfriend?" feelers out there) and he said he was planning on it, but a friend that's leaving town ended up joining him. And then he described how amazing his toasted coconut marshmallow was. It was the most decadent, sensual description ever and for a moment I was envious of a marshmallow. Yes, a marshmallow. I should probably seek professional help. And we talked about the walk to the top of the falls (a couple thousand stairs) and he said, "Yeah, that was a bit excessive." That, my friends, is also another favorite phrase of mine. He's right at the top of my Lexicon Love game. And then, he tells a story that had tears in my eyes:

So, they toasted marshmallows ("probably the best thing I've ever eaten. They were kosher too! and big!") and apparently didn't fully put out their embers (naughty campers! I felt all my Chop Point training come bouncing back) and so at 3 am, Paulo was in his tent closest to the fire and his friend was a few feet away in his. Paulo is awakened by someone rooting around in the coals--he thought it was maybe a park ranger or something. So, being upset that he was awakened, he rather growled, commenting on the noise, "That's a bit excessive, isn't it?" (my favorite phrase again!). No response. He yells, "HEY!" No response. He unzips the cover to his mesh window just in time to see a huge claw pawing at him. Oh yes, my friends. A bear. A good ole Georgia brown bear. Apparently the bear was the size of a, "you know, the size of a bear." Awesome. Compare the thing you're trying to explain to someone to itself. Triple bonus score. So then Paulo did something that made me gasp and shake my head in disbelief--he got out of his tent. "I didn't want him to eat me in my tent." Oh, so making yourself even more accessible--when obviously he's hungry is a great idea. I, however, kept that piece of information to myself because I tend to be too sarcastic and attack men for the sake of a joke and then realize that I really cut too deep. Remember: women look at life through the lenses of love, men, respect. So maybe I don't always need to come off as knowing better and pointing out his flaws. I've kept this in action for about 3 years or so now and my relationships with all kinds of men have vastly improved. In turn, I get treated with more gentleness and consideration. So, I don't have to "be one of the boys" to be accepted. I can just be a girl hanging out with boys and it's ok.

He gets out of his tent and shoos (wow, I don't think I realized that was a real word) the bear away. The bear, thankfully, runs away--and Paulo's friend apparently exited his tent right as the bear was running away. He then said something that makes him endearing to me: "I'm glad he saw the bear or else I wouldn't tell the story because no one would believe me!" How cute. And vulnerable. I'm so damn sappy.

(And this sidenote has nothing to do with anything: Mike and I (my coworker) had to deal with a picky client on Monday regarding an ad that went to press yesterday, Tuesday. She told us that the olive (color) needed to be changed to blue. So, there was green on the ad, so we replaced it with blue. We sent the ad to press. We sent her a proof of it after it was sent to the press. Mike just got an irate phone call, "Why did you change the green?! I asked you to change the brown!" He responds, "No, you asked me to change the olive. So we did." "Olive, Mike, isn't GREEN, it's BROWN." I heard her say this. He had placed her on speaker phone. Brilliant. I had to muffle my laughter. He then said, in the nicest way possible because he's WAY nicer than me, "Oh, so sorry! Olive in our world means green." I love it. I love that he just said that.)

Back to Paulo. He then investigated their cooler. That they just left out willy nilly. At this point I just shook my head--because seriously, who goes camping and just leaves food out? Oh right, a chiseled man that drives a tiny sports car, that's who. He was all miffed, "I just bought that cooler Friday and now it has claw and bite marks in it!" I personally would be very proud of that cooler.

Cute point #157: during our nightly crew huddle he referenced me several times as Anne-uh. You know, the conventional pronunciation of the spelling of my name. I get it. I'm not offended (except for the part of me hoping that he thinks of me outside of work, but whatever). Now, for most of you reading this, yes, I expect you to say my name correctly. I have known most of you longer than a month (oh geez, it's only been a month. What a dope I am!) So, another crew member got offended, on my behalf (this phenomenon has been going on since school days--other kids getting mad because someone says my name wrong) and said "Do you want to yell at him or should I?" I, in my most polite, pleasant, demure, feminine way say, "Shh. It doesn't matter. Don't worry about it." This crew member decides to interrupt what Paulo is saying to correct him regardless of my direction. Paulo is obviously embarrassed. He apologizes like twelve times, then says "I owe you one." One what? I could get very interested in cashing that "one" in. So later he came over and gave me a side hug and sheepishly apologized again. He apparently had, a couple of weeks ago, gone around chanting how to say my name correctly so he wouldn't screw it up. How cute! I told him that if I saw my name repeatedly on a name tag, I would pronounce it incorrectly too. There's no reason for him to feel bad. But he did. And I'm ok with that.

Oh oh oh. I almost forgot. My coworker from my day job, Lauren, came by TJ's last night. She was going to come last week, but I told her if she wanted to see Paulo, he and I would be working together on Tuesday. She came under the guise that she needed to get some gnocchi and meatballs for dinner (she and her husband are hooked and I can't blame them...mmmmm!). So, she saw Paulo and told me she liked that recipe and I better tell her every single ingredient! Ha!

I won't work with him again (he leaves at 6 tonight and I get there at 530) for the rest of the week (he has the 5 am to 3 pm shifts--gross!) until Saturday, I work at 7 am. A whole day together. Glorious. I didn't mention baseball last night...I didn't want to be the eager beaver or anything. Maybe tonight. In passing.

Ok. Mike just made me mad. I gotta go. Happy Wednesday, friends!

moments with God

2008-05-13T14:45:00.003-04:00

Written Monday, 5/12:
I've been prompted to write about some moments I've had with God lately.

I'll start with the most recent. I had a truly LOVELY conversation with my friend Jen last night and we were able to talk about Paulo, people moving to Maine, a little about her and her husband's impending trip across the US via bicycle as they raise money for the American Lung Association and various other things girls talk about on the phone.

And I was able to verbalize this with her: I hear God's voice, I'm getting the signals, I know that above all else I'm supposed to help people through music and to provide a face for Christian missions...but I don't know what to DO about all of this. Where do I go from here? Where do you go once you hear His voice and feel His guiding hand? Where am I going to live in September? And practically speaking, how are my bills going to get paid if I do indeed make this leap into the unknown? I KNOW that God is above all of this, I am fully aware. I, however, don't want to make the wrong decision. I want to be practical. You can't really give a face to Jesus if you don't have anywhere to live, your car gets repossessed, and your bills go unpaid. Well, I guess you can. But is that really what He wants from me? I am also sole "caretaker" (that's a horrible choice for she is 200% capable of her own care) for my mom. She's just had such a crappy life, and I'm the only person ever that hasn't let her down--so I'm committed to helping her into retirement with someone by her side. I'm her only friend and I can't abandon her like everyone else has. That certainly plays into my future--how do I make such a leap while still so implanted in the world? So, if you have any insights, please, by all means, share them, for I am in the dark as to what to do. I want to make a difference. I want to help Rebuilt be all that it can be. I want to stay with TJ's. I want to get married. I want to help distribute food to those that don't have any. But I don't know HOW.

God moment from last week's church service: I go to the contemporary worship service at a very stately and established church in downtown Atlanta. The pastor I had from the age of 13 until 23 or so is the senior pastor there now. The guy who leads worship, I went to high school with him. The guy who plays drums, we're friends from the aforementioned church and he and I are connected through the 3-day retreat (Chrysalis) that I'm leading for teenage girls in September (he's leading the one for the boys the weekend prior to mine). I almost feel at home there and for that I am very grateful. For over a year I didn't go to church anywhere because of conflicting work schedules. And even now, no matter how much at home I feel at this new church, I still feel like an outsider because I can only make it down on Sunday nights. I can't make it during the week when they are feeding the homeless and downtrodden. I can't make it when they are walking the streets spreading hope. And so I feel this disconnect that I don't know how to remedy. The remedy I suppose is that I figure out how God is leading me concerning my life and career and if I get that worked out, I hopefully won't be working as much and will have more time to actually DO something that means something. For I don't believe sitting in this cube, working on ads that sell apartments is actually glorifying the name of Jesus.

An aside about corporate work: I was talking yesterday morning at TJ's to the guy that comes by and picks up all the food we can no longer sell; his name is Mike. Mike and I have become buddies over the past year and a half since our store's been open and he's been picking up our "spoils." He takes our food, he takes the food from lots of other places and he distributes it to over 53 different charitable organizations across the state to feed those who are hungry. How amazing! I want to be involved...but right now: no time. He said something that really opened my eyes a little bit wider: he has a corporate IT job. He said he knows without a doubt that he's supposed to have that job because he's supposed to bring the Gospel of Jesus into work every day. He's supposed to change the lives of those around him through that job. I, however, don't feel like I've been much of a Jesus for those around me. I lose my cool, I talk about people behind their backs, I gripe, I complain, I mutter, I'm not efficient with my time (a la blogging right now when I could be working on something useful for work) and I just don't know what my purpose of being right here right now is.

Right, back to last week. So, my pastor for so many years doesn't preach on Sunday nights. There's this younger guy who is "hip and with it" I suppose. He preaches with one of those mics that is supposed to be "flesh" colored and it is supposed to just sit upon your cheek and not be noticeable. Now, when I went to 722 all during college Louie Giglio wore one of those. And it was fine because there were 3000 of us in attendance every Tuesday night and instead of watching him on stage, I was generally watching him on the jumbotron. But this new guy, David, is all but six feet away from me and the flesh-colored mic causes me to stare at his cheek sometimes more than hear that his mouth is saying. (and David, I know I'm sending this to you too...so don't feel hurt--it's just how I tick.)

Anyway, he's been preaching on Romans 8. You know, life in the Spirit. The "if God is for me, who can be against me?" piece of the Bible. v.30: "...those whom he called he also justified; and those whom he justified he also glorified." Pretty powerful stuff. And as David said last night, Romans 8 pretty much sums up our lives as Christians. v. 32 "He who did not withhold his own Son, but gave him up for all of us, will he not with him also give us everything else?...who indeed intercedes for us." He intercedes on our behalf. That's powerful. Someone is stepping in on our behalves--our broken, sinful, selfish, dirty behalves just because he loves us. That'll preach.

Finished Tuesday, 5/13:

I went on my Chrysalis weekend in January 1997. Chrysalis is a three-day spiritual journey for teenagers--it's a 72-hour reflection on the soul. There are talks given by clergy, youth and just regular lay people (adults). My Chrysalis weekend is the single turning point in my faith. I was 15 and I already had some serious burdens. A couple of years previous (yes, at the age of 12 and 13) I had entered into a sexual relationship with a guy that was 23. I think about it now and my heart breaks for that little girl I was and would never be again. He told me I was pretty, that I was desirable and I had never heard that from anyone outside of my family (or so I believed. I'm sure I had, but it just means more to get male validation at that point in life. Maybe sometimes even now.) So for about a year he and I were "dating" (and yes, I laugh about this now...how naive!)--but the point of my entire story: my dad knew about it. He was letting this guy live in his attic for a while (there were crazy amounts of drugs involved, it's a long story--thankfully I always said "no") and he was the kind of dad that is a hippie at heart: as long as you're doing it under my roof, under my supervision, it's ok--at least you're not out on the streets! I thought he was the coolest dad ever. He was letting me follow my heart. I LOVED this guy! Anyway, a year passes. I am no longer involved in any of this stuff. I was 13, I had faced a pregnancy scare, I had seen more about the drug culture than most adults can say now, and I knew there was no going back to being a little girl. I was so ANGRY at God. I was angry that my dad had led me into all of this mess. I was angry that they guy really didn't think I was delightful--he had gone back to his ex (thankfully an actual adult). My Chrysalis weekend opened up my heart: my life is more than botched attempts to find love (from my dad, from this guy). My life has meaning and I can find redemption. So I first heard the message of Let Go and Let God in January of 1997. I love the idea of Let Go and Let God. It just sounds so EASY. Let it all go and things will work out.

I've always had an issue with it though. It just doesn't feel practical. I've learned the hard way: you've got to learn things the hard way. You can't just lay things down and not wrestle with them and expect to come out of the experience victoriously.

Fast forward to 5.04.08. David speaks on Let Go and Let God being bad theology. If I were a little less shy about speaking up in church during quiet moments, I would have yelled AMEN.

Romans 8.26: Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words.

The Spirit HELPS us in our weakness. We're to carry on and the Spirit shall come alongside of us and share the load. Probably even take most if not all of the load. But we're still expected to walk. To tread along. To be side-by-side with our God and realize that on our journey we aren't alone. Our load isn't all on us. We still have to journey, and we still have things to carry with us--but they aren't to be burdens, they are to be loads we carry with joy--for I gladly carry my baggage (for lack of a better term) because I wouldn't have such a rich relationship with God without it. If I hadn't hit rock bottom at age 13, I wouldn't have cried out to God for help. I would have continued to live my charmed lifestyle in a ritzy suburb of Atlanta without a qualm. But I found a church, I found a movement, and it is with both of these institutions I found a Family. There are people I have known since then that I know, without one doubt, I could call right this moment saying I need help and they would act. The senior pastor at this church in Atlanta is one of those people.

But I digress: Let Go and Let God. I left for Ireland in the fall of 2002. I saw my dad once before I left. We had a spotty relationship throughout high school and college. I no longer thought he was cool. I thought he was a horrible person and I couldn't forgive him for standing idly by while my childhood went down the drain. I was still very angry at him. While I was in Ireland my one and only grandmother passed away. She was my dad's mom. I couldn't come home for the funeral and I came home at Christmas instead. I found out from my
aunt, my dad's sister, that my dad was missing. She never liked him much (oh, did I mention my dad's gay? No? Well, he is. My parents got married for whatever reason they each had and made it work for 13 years. I'm, obviously, very thankful for that.) My aunt has always hated him for that. She sat me down with my grandmother's inheritance check and handed over my dad's will saying that he was probably dead or in jail (because of the drugs). And she didn't seem to care. So from that winter day in 2002 until June 2006 I thought my dad was dead. I searched the jails and nothing. I searched phone books and nothing. And then I got a call in late June of 2006. From my dad. And he just wanted to chat like nothing had happened. For four years. He had disappeared and he now just wanted to chit chat. I was a basket case--my dad had come back from the dead and all the feelings that I had let die with him were now alive and well, and I was also starting to deal with the disintegration of the closest friendship I had ever known (unrelated to my dad's reappearance).

And I decided the week after I met up with him for the first time since I left for Ireland that I didn't want to be angry anymore. I had finally come to terms that I didn't actually initiate a sexual relationship when I was 13--I was taken advantage of, I was a victim of sexual abuse and I could be a whole person in spite of it. I didn't want to hate my own father anymore. He was just doing what he thought was the best for me and I was 24, I had a job, an apartment, a car and a life of my own. It was time to find some healing. So I truly Let Go of that anger and I Let God. And it worked. I had been tightly holding onto this anger and hurt and cloak of victimization because it was what I had grown so used to, so comfortable with.

So, I still believe that we are charged with carrying on, with not just giving up, but trudging on, through the muck and the rain because there are better days ahead. We are to carry our burdens for God knows that's how we'll grown. But sometimes He can just take those burdens completely away. And that's what happened to me that day. My anger was gone. In its place was sympathy, empathy, and just a twinge of sadness for all those years I wasted.

And I just realized something. I like to write in my Bible. I generally date my notes and the sermon title because I like seeing them later on. And I had heard a sermon on Romans 8 on March 26, 2006 entitled "Retro." By my friend Louie Giglio at 722. And he said something that I wrote in the margin in reference to verse 30: "He'll weave the ugly past to glorify Himself for better days." If only I could have seen how true that was going to be for me. Three months after I heard that message, I was faced with my ugly past. And He showed me how he could weave it to glorify Himself for better days. For I am now a living testament of those better days. I can now tell others what God has done in my life. I can see His hand molding His glory out of my abuse, my self-hatred, my anger, my best friendship that is now no longer.

I now talk to my dad once a week and try to see him every Sunday before church. He goes with me sometimes, but he's a pretty busy retiree. He doesn't do drugs anymore. He has a roof over his head and food in his stomach--and just a few short months ago he had neither. And through it all, if he can glorify God with tears in his eyes, then I surely can.

So, maybe Let Go and Let God needs a little tweaking. Yes, we are to carry on. We are to walk alongside and not give up. But maybe sometimes on our walk, the bag gets lighter and eventually evaporates. Not by our own doing, but because God blesses us and deems it so.

There are better days, friends. I sit here saying that with conviction. I have no idea what tomorrow brings. I don't even know what the rest of today brings (well, except for work. With Paulo ;). I have no idea where I'm going to live when my lease is up, I have no idea if I can even qualify for a loan to buy a house, I don't know how my bills are going to get paid if indeed I'm supposed to make Rebuilt my job. I don't know.

But I do know that my God has brought me this far and He won't drop me now.

in my prayers today:

my boss here at work had to leave early because her mother-in-law was rushed to the hospital this afternoon

Jen, Jonathan, Carrie and Autumn as they are a couple of weeks away from driving to Oregon from Boston just to ride their bikes all the way back to raise money for the American Lung Association in honor and memory of Jonathan's dad who died of emphysema

the Chrysalis weekend that I'm leading in the fall, yet have yet to hear back from anyone about it--so no plans have been made

and my dear friend Jason as he's headed to Australia--he's probably in the air right now. He flew out of Atlanta yesterday morning, flew to LA, had an eight-hour lay over and then was flying from there to Auckland, NZ and then heading to Melbourne. A 36-hour trip. Essentially he won't know today existed. And he's terrified to fly--so my prayers are certainly his!

and in fun news: I'm running the front office of TJ's all this week (we had a full-timer get transfered to another store and the guy that's coming in his place is on vacation this week so I have to fill in. hooray!) and so it's just me and Paulo running the ship tonight. I made sure to ask all of the questions I had last night to another full timer so I could appear to be perfect tonight when Paulo has to double-check my counting and work and whatnot. Hey, I want to look the best I can (not just physically--you know, like I want to impress him with being good at my job). And as LR pointed out this morning, I have yet to figure out if Paulo loves Jesus. I realized I'm putting a lot of my eggs in one basket. But that's how I roll. I'm passionate. I'm impulsive. And I have undying optimism and that's something I love about myself.

(ps: my mom doesn't know about the sex/drugs/rock and roll/baby making incidences. and it's been 13, almost 14, years now. no need to bring it up, k thnx!)

Death Cab For Cutie: Narrow Stairs

2008-05-13T10:33:00.005-04:00

I'm totally swamped at work (happy birthday LR!) but I wanted to let you all know:

I'm only on track 2 of the new Death Cab album, narrow stairs, and I'm blown away thus far.

I Will Possess Your Heart is clocking in at 8:35 and I love it. An eight-minute song you say? Yes. An eight-minute song. I grew up on them (I still listen to Floyd's Shine on You Crazy Diamond (Parts 1-7) very often and it clocks in at 17:32). I preordered the deluxe edition on iTunes and I got the music video in high def. Gorgeous. The girl in it totally looks like Sara Beam (of Iron and Wine) and that makes me happy.

So, if you're a Death Cab fan, check it out. If you're not, broaden your horizons.

More later if things calm down (ooooh, it's only 1037--I thought it was closer to noon. maybe today will be ok after all).

I've read some good things today--check out my links to the right and see about Jen and Jonathan's in-store ride, Bob Boilen's suffering for Radiohead and other such lovelies.

I LOVE creepy "love" songs that I totally would have written in high school (I'm creepy and have stalker tendencies, I'm sorry. I can't help it.)

Here are the lyrics to I Will Possess Your Heart:

How I wish you could see the potential of you and me
It’s like a book elegantly bound but in a language that you can’t read just yet

You gotta spend some time with me and I know that you’ll find love
I will possess your heart

There are days when outside your window I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective when we’ll be lovers, lovers at last

You gotta spend some time with me and I know that you’ll find love
I will possess your heart

You reject my advances and desperate pleas
I won’t let you let me down so easily

You gotta spend some time with me and
I know that you'll find love
I will possess your heart

____
My all-time favorite just might be from this guy that goes by Bleu and it's entitled Watchin' You Sleep. The song just sounds so PRETTY that you want it to be a sweet love song. Love it.

The streetlight whines through my cheap venetian blinds
The hip-hop beats will not go to sleep
So I slip outside and go stalkin' in the night
'Cause I don't know what to do about my life

So I'm watchin' you sleep
Right outside your window
Inches away from sleepin' with you
And you don't even know it
Watchin' you sleep all night

All day long I've been sleepin' like a log
I dream your face through the window at your place
I guess it's wrong, but I've been lonely for so long
And I don't know what to do about my life

So I'm watchin' you sleep
Right outside your window
Inches away from sleepin' with you
Dreamin' in the deep end
Watchin' you sleep all night

I confess, I looked up your work address
It wasn't fate that bumped into you that day
But it's still me who holds your hand when you're asleep
'Cause you don't know what to do about your life

So I'm watchin' you sleep
Right outside your window
Inches away from sleepin' with you
And you don't even know it
Watchin' you sleep all night

____
LR just emailed me this literary gem from Queensrÿche, Gonna Get Close to You. I, by the way, LOVE Queensrÿche and in high school I had a psyeudonym and it was Chris DeGarmo (the lead singer of said band and the writer of some of my favorite lyrics of all time, they make me cry every time, Bridge).

I like to look at shadows sweating on the wall
I get excited when I hear footsteps in the hall
Outside your balcony I have a room with a view
And I'm watching you

I dial your telephone each and every afternoon
I wait by your door till you're asleep at night
And when you're alone I know when you
Turn out the light

I'm gonna get close to you
Oh-Oh so close to you
I'm gonna get close to you
I'm gonna get close

You fumble for your keys
I'm six or seven steps behind you
I'm so close to you
Are you terrified of me? What do I know about you
How did I find out?
You think I'm a fool or maybe some kind of lunatic
Say I'm wasting my time but I know what to do with it
It's as plain as black and white

I'm gonna get close to you
Oh-Oh so close to you
I'm gonna get close to you
Oh so close

If you knew my infinite charm
There'd be no reason to be so alarmed
Maybe I'm wrong maybe I'm right
Maybe I'm some kind of lunatic
You say I'm wasting all of my time
But I know what to do with it
It is plain as black and white

I'm gonna get close to you
Oh-Oh so close to you
I'm gonna get close to you
I'm like a hungry Criminal
and your protection is minimal
So minimal

I really SHOULD be "working"

2008-05-08T15:34:00.002-04:00

but our top client just made me super angry by coming back and wanting changes to ads she had already given the final approval on. And our contact over there got fired. Today. And she has to leave. Today. Very weird. We'd be excited about it (because she's truly one of the worst people experiences I've ever had to endure) if we didn't know that her assistant is now "in charge" over there and she's worse than her predecessor ever THOUGHT of being!

So I promised not to be a tease: Tree Sound Studios, the public library, affirming phone calls and emails, and finding CDs that I forgot I owned.

1. Tree Sound Studios is a world-famous recording studio and I happen to live down the street from them. I randomly emailed their office manager asking some questions the other day and she responded back saying she's really glad I got in touch with her. I will keep you abreast of fun things there.

2. The public library. I went to one of those Tuesday night to pick up a book I had reserved. Public libraries are the new sideshow circus acts in town. Seriously. Kids running around. People on phones. A woman weeping for no apparent reason. Kids watching wrestling on YouTube that I could tell what it was even though their screen was covered with one of those privacy black-out screen things that are the new rage in the federal government. It's one of those self-serve libraries, you have to check out your own books, find your own book reservations, you can't find a damn thing, if there's a card catalog I couldn't find it, there wasn't a "find what you're looking for in our library" computer apparent, and no one around to ask where I could find some modern classics like On the Road by Kerouac (I've never read it, I know, shocking) and I wanted to check out some Jane Austen. I've never even touched a Jane Austen tome. I was prompted to by the Harwell's babysitter/friend a couple of weeks ago. Now, I know you can reserve all of these books online and they will be held at the local branch of your choice. But there's no fun in that and there's definitely a time delay of at least a couple of days. I wandered around between the teen girls eating fruit roll-ups and talking and laughing loudly, the kids that needed their diapers changed, people not speaking English debating over something, audio books, self-help books, reference books you can't check out, cookbooks and then bodice-ripping romance novels. Where are the Austen's? The James Joyce's? The anything relevant to a literate adult's life's? I was disillusioned. I even sat at the computer to use their internet to blog about it. Then my phone rang (that's why I couldn't call you back Jason!) and the caller and I seriously needed to talk, so I left the circus and don't think I'll be going back any time soon.

3. Affirming phone calls and emails: I have gladly received them this week. I am the Lay Director of a girls' spiritual retreat this fall and I got a really nice email from a lady whom I respect GREATLY this week just telling me that she knew God had special things planned just for me to bring on this weekend and other such encouragements. I'm often the encourager, so it was nice to be treated to the same this week. I also had a wonderful phone conversation with a friend whom I don't keep in close enough contact and we just had a nice time catching up and giggling and she endured listening about Paulo.

I can tell you this, kids--if Paulo is like any of my other crushes of late, this should die out in a couple of weeks. I get crushes. A lot. And they generally peter out just as quickly as they come on (a la Episcopal tattoo guy). I've only had two crushes in my entire life that didn't give out quickly. One lasted for six years and it at the end was no longer a crush, it was something altogether different and consuming and I'm glad to be out of its grip now. The other had to do with the CFA manager I mentioned yesterday and that's only because he kept popping up in unexpected places and doing things that would keep that spark of mystery there. So, hang on my friends! The light is (probably) at the end of the tunnel on this one!

4. I found an entire case (probably like 50+ discs) of CDs that I had not loaded into my iTunes. So that's what I did yesterday. I loaded them all and have enjoyed listening to music I thought was lost to me! Included in said lost greats:

The Cranberries: Wake Up And Smell The Coffee
David Gray: The EPs 92-94
Tap: ID
Elton John: One Night Only: The Greatest Hits Live (where he and Mary J. Blige sing I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues!)
The Waiting, Garbage, some old Live (the band) discs, a disc from a trio of girls I met while in Ireland and they are pretty horrible sounding--but their lyrics are STRONG and hit me square in the chest. The Wrights, Lindsay Mac, Jennifer Knapp, some OLD Shane and Shane, Ben Harper & The Blind Boys of Alabama (yes!), some old REM and Mars Volta and the best:

Jason Harwell's first solo album. Amazing. It includes some gems: Bad Student, I Miss My Dog, and The Nickel Song. You've certainly come a long way from Building a Better Me, friend!

And also Jason's college band Copper John. However in iTunes it's listed as John Copper. Which I find amusing. Either way, it's been a trip down memory lane that I've thoroughly enjoyed.

Operation: Success!

2008-05-08T10:38:00.004-04:00

WARNING: the post that follows is so girly I made myself sick. It rambles; it doesn't always get to a point; and there are WAY too many parenthetical asides and comma splices. So, if you're not in the mood to read the whole darn thing (for which I can't blame anyone--I probably wouldn't read it if I hadn't written it) here's a recap: my cheer-up present went very well. Paulo was very appreciative and seemed genuinely touched. We had a good night of laughing and joking. There was a lot of flirting and I think the other full timer was suspect to it but oh well. He's a nice guy and if nothing else hopefully we can be friends.

Mission accomplished, friends.

And might I mention, I am NOT a smooth operator. Not at all. Not in one slight bit.

First off, on the Tigers Jersey where I placed his name, how about I misspelled it! I'm an idiot. He, however, (I'm jumping the gun, I know) didn't mention it--what a nice guy. I didn't notice until a couple of hours after he left and I was looking at my work schedule for today that his last name is with an E not an A. I was sufficiently embarrassed--so I wrote him a note and put it in his box that I would submit a new one ASAP. I had to call the store this morning because I think I left my wallet there last night and he answered the phone--so I apologized for the misspelling and he just laughed and said he was glad a new one was coming--just because that was his favorite part! So, this time I let him choose what number jersey he's going to wear, so it's number 05.

But I've gotten way ahead of myself. I walked in at 530 and he was in the front office (that's where the timeclock is and my order book, etc.)--the front "office" is really just a walled-off, open air corral that has swinging doors like old-time saloons--and he was there. He asked how I was, (fine), and then just looked back down at the computer. So I have two thoughts: do I just bring it up now? And how do I get the stuff I made for him in his cubbie, that he's standing in front of, without him noticing? So, I go ahead and ask if he's ok--that he doesn't seem like himself. He was quite credulous and stated that I'd only been there like 30 seconds--I reminded him I was in earlier in the day and he responded that I'm the second person to ask him that. (My friend the cashier that he was rude to said something to him about it.) So, he responded that everything was fine, that he had fallen asleep on the couch the night before and had slept for a long time (like 10 hours) and they were poor, couch-ridden hours. And he said something about, "You know how sometimes you just wake up and don't feel yourself? You just want to be quiet? I guess that's how today is for me." I do know, Paulo, I sure do. And anytime I'm in such a mood people think I'm pissed at them too--so I get it. We started to laugh and he said he'd work on it. He certainly doesn't want people to think he's mad. And then he said something that caused me to laugh, out loud, while I was trying to get to sleep at like 2 this morning: that when you're tall, you've got a dark complexion, you're bald, "and you're built, I mean, I don't mean to sound arrogant, I mean, when you're chiseled--wait, that sounds even worse, ok, how about this? when you're not DAINTY, people just think you're pissed when indeed you're just quiet."

He used the word chiseled. Perfect. I love it. And later in the night we were joking about it and I got him so flustered that he answered the phone and he transposed one of the words in our company name with the word chiseled. LOVE IT.

Back to the beginning of the night: I made my way into the office to get my order guide, he was still in front of his cubbie--but finally he moved, so I slipped it into his box and gingerly left the office to write my order. 20 minutes later I came back to input my order into our ordering system, and THAT's when he decided to check his box. I hear him opening an envelope and I'm kind of mortified. This was not a "cheer you up while I watch" kind of present. It's a sneaky "get it while you're alone so you can ponder at how thoughtful I am (and witty, and kind, and good at my job, and funny, and charming, and the person you want to spend more time with) and you can have a moment to smile and be cheered.

Thankfully I was at the very end of my order right as he got the envelope open, I hurriedly hit save and practically sprinted out of the office. I went to the back of the store and was pretty much totally embarrassed--it was EXACTLY like the time in 7th grade when I had written Bryan Digby a love note and was passing it in class and Mrs. Duck(somethingorother) intercepted it AND READ IT OUT LOUD. TO THE CLASS. SHE THEN WROTE IT ON THE OVERHEAD PROJECTOR. AND INVITED EVERYONE TO DIAGRAM MY SENTENCES. I am NOT even exaggerating, or kidding, or using any of my comedic writing devices. I even have tears in my eyes right this moment remembering what a horrible life-altering moment that was. And now I'm laughing because I'm crying and my right-hand Mike here at work just asked over the cube wall "Are you ok?"

Right, so I was at that giddy, frenetic "oh my gosh I can't believe I did that" kind of stage--I went back to our sample counter, told the guy back there (the aforementioned cashier that had told Paulo that he was concerned at his apparent bad day) and this other sample lady whom I LOVE and think she's amazing and she already knows of the Paulo Saga. They laughed (of course) and I start stocking shelves with a passion and a madness I've never experienced before. I also told them that I don't really care how he takes it or how I look. The both of them are 50+ and they look at my antics as being very youthful and whimsical. And they're probably right--because I DO have ulterior motives. They pointed out that neither of THEM had ever gotten Cheer Up packets from me and they're right. So that's something I'm planning on working on. I need to be more generous with my whimsical love--that I don't need to hoard it for times when I think it might accomplish a specific goal. But as I told them, even if he takes it poorly, it doesn't matter. Compassion is something I want to share with others when I think they're hurting. I won't stop showing concern just because I'm intimidated about how the other person perceives me. So that felt good--I felt like I had done the right thing and I wasn't really concerned about the spirit in which he received his present.

I look over my shoulder and Paulo is headed straight for me--and then I was intercepted by a lady asking for something clear on the other side of the store. We escort our customers to whatever product they're trying to find , so I had to walk away. I then went to open a register when we got busy and he came over and gave me a hug, in front of customers waiting for me to check them out, and said thank you--that it was extremely thoughtful. My answer, of course, was something totally passive so as to mask my true intentions: "Hey, I'm just here to make sure you're ok." Instead of, "Hey, aren't I a good find?" So he definitely skipped (yes, this grown 31-year-old, 6 foot 2 inch man who is self-admittedly chiseled, skipped) away. We then had a lovely rapport the rest of the evening--talked about why I was wearing a crown (an AIDS education fundraiser where men dressed as women were presented as debutantes and the one that raised the most money was crowned queen and that was last year's queen's crown)--and bonus he didn't just blow off the crossdressing event (as most straight men that I've encountered do)--he said that's awesome that all that money was raised for such a good cause. Maybe I can get him to join me at this year's ball! Of course I'm sure he'll pay the premium ticket to wear a tux instead of a dress...but who knows? I could have him pegged completely wrong. ;)

I also kept the Elton John CD a mystery because I just labeled the CD "A Visionary Before His Time: Greatest Hits LIVE"--so he was looking forward to listening to it on the way home. It was just an all-around good time had by all. He was very curious how I got his name on the back of a Tigers jersey. First off, I didn't tell the whole truth. LR is the one that actually did it because I was so busy getting everything else together before 5 pm. And then I realized this morning, you can totally personalize any MLB jersey and preview it on MLB.com. So that's what I did this morning to spell his name correctly (which I'm just impressed that he didn't say anything about: gentleman. And I like that (this is to be said in your, well, my best Southern accent a là Gone With The Wind).) I, OF COURSE, shall not be divulging this little secret to him today when I take him the new jersey printout. It's our little secret ok?

Observations: I was at my register and I caught him staring. Several times. He laughed at jokes I made with customers, not him. He found reasons to need to be in the aisle that I was working on. After the store closed he stocked my cereal (what a innuendo-filled phrase if I've ever heard one ;) and then complimented me several times on writing such a tight order (I don't have a lot of back stock--I order just what I need and it generally goes straight from the truck to the shelf--which is good.). I however had mis-ordered a children's cereal--I needed the OTHER one with honey and accidentally ordered one that had a completely full shelf. He was placing it back on his hand cart right as I walked by, and as I hate "go backs"--what we in the grocery biz call things that can't fit on the shelf and need to go back to the back room, I wailed "OOHHHH NOOOO!" and he laughed and stated that I'm the most passionate person he's ever encountered regarding cereal--and the way he said, "This does not look like an Anna order" when talking about having to take something to the back warmed my heart. I like being recognized for a job well done and having someone (it doesn't matter that it was Paulo or not) be proud of the work I do was a nice feeling.

Cut to 10:15 pm. The store had been closed for over an hour and Paulo should have been leaving soon. Well, we had some big-wig (whig?) visitors from "corporate" coming into the store today--so I volunteered to clean the break room and bathrooms because I don't mind cleaning and I do a pretty decent job. The other full-timer had put the satellite Muzak on some weird "experimental" music station, so I had gotten out my iPod and fired it up as I was cleaning and washing dishes. I barely heard my name being shouted down the hallway...then Paulo came in, looking like he was ready to go, but he just came by to say thank you again and then (get ready for it)--we hugged. Like, a real hug. Like, the kind of hugs I have grown to love and expect from the Lumberjacks that I love. Like, for an extended period of time. I had wet, soapy hands and one earbud still in my ear with loud music coming out of it...

It was a nice moment.

I just went over to TJ's during my lunch hour. (after I got a call from my apartment complex saying they hadn't gotten my rent check--that I turned in on Monday! But the lady was super-de-duper nice about it, believed me when I said I had turned it in in the right place, etc and she just let me come right over to get her another check. I had to do a stop payment with my bank just in case the original check was stolen...drama I've never experienced before!) As I was waiting at the stop light to get into the shopping center, Paulo's little blue sports car flashed in front of me--he was heading back to the store from his lunch break. I pulled into the parking lot and he was sitting in his car, just eating some Wendy's chili (why on such a hot afternoon, I'll never know). I pulled up next to him and handed him his new jersey printout. He was quite appreciative and more than a little impressed. And then for me to actually hear him, I got out of my car and had to stoop down to actually peer into his rolled down passenger window...which poses an interesting dilemma: I have on this cute dress that's REALLY low cut--so I wear a camisole and it looks fine AND decent. Well, when you're bending over, it doesn't matter if I'm wearing a camisole or not. So there I am with my hand pressed against the opening of my dress trying to not flash him (I know I'm brazen with my words, but I'm a really modest prude when it comes to real life interactions) and so we chat. He asks what I'm up to today--umm, work? He got really excited "Here?" I told him I'd be there tonight--I have to finish the day at my day job. "Oh. What time?" I told him 5:30. "Oh. I'll be gone by then. I get off at 5. Maybe I'll stick around so we can say hi." He's having dinner with a coworker of ours from another store tonight (it should be just friend to friend as the girl he's going to meet is engaged to yet another TJ's employee at another store). And how he wants to spend some time outside before we have a storm. I totally see him as the throwing the frisbee around the park with his collie on a breezy afternoon kind of guy. "Yeah, maybe I'll stick around this afternoon and I'll see you. And then I'll see you tomorrow, right?" "No, I don't come in until 530 again and you're off early right?" "Yeah." He was genuinely sad.

NOW I'm getting uncomfortable. Please don't be another "you're like a maternal figure in my life" Dan Kane-alike. Please. I don't need any more of those. State your intentions! Wait. Maybe that speech should be directed at me...let me ponder that a moment.

Either way, it's totally sweet and his schedule has changed and he let me know, "We don't get our Saturday nights anymore." Oh, and he called me sweetheart. I think. He may have been using that word to describe me--or he may have called me that, I'm not sure. Either way, it was nice. It's nice to be appreciated and admired. And even though we only worked 3 of them, he remembered "our Saturday nights." And he remembered that I had lost my wallet and even asked about it. Attention to detail: check. I actually found it in my car--but he seemed genuinely relieved and told me so, and "now I can stop worrying. I'll call off the dogs." Cute. It was cute. He is cute. He gets an A+ on all facets so far (and no, I don't know if he loves Jesus. And I know that should be top priority. But right now, I'm just basking in being appreciated and admired. By a very good looking man. In a blue sports car. Who I may or may not be flashing with my low cut dress, bent over into his super tiny and low to the ground car.)

So we are here: my intentions are clear (to me, at least)...so I think I shall now sit back and see. I don't want to come across as an eager puppy dog, or worse yet a clingy Creepy Girl. I don't want to be introduced in his conversations as friends, "You'll never believe what Creepy Girl did at work today..." I think my jets shall be cooled until next Saturday and see what the Braves game leaves us with. Yes, terrific idea.